Who Disco Puked On My Candy?

The Mars company is messing with me and I'm not going to stand for it.

Is it not bad enough that they ruined my once favorite snack, M&Ms of course, by making some of them blue? How did this result in the ruination of one of the best sources of calcium money can buy you may ask. The answer is troubling.

To make the shell blue they had to make it thicker. Now, there is something a bit tantalizing about nibbling through a light candy coating before getting to the main reason you were there to begin with, which is to eat chocolate. But since the shell is thicker the biting sensation is not as enjoyable. Who wants to gnaw through a big old candy exoskeleton only to have the pliable chocolate taste ruined due to the unholy mixing with the sugary outline that should have already dissolved?

The reason M&Ms have shells is because, during WWII, soldiers used to get melted chocolate on their rifles and whatnot. The shell made it easier to eat, and thus was born the "melts in your mouth, not in your hands" slogan that could have been applied to many other things in life but M&Ms got there first. And it was a huge relief for soldiers to get their heads blown off knowing that they had, if not clean undies, at least a clean rifle barrel.

Speaking of WWII, remember the good old days when you would open a bag of M&Ms and there were your favorite colors, red, light brown, black, green, yellow, and orange. It was like autumn in a bag. Now, light brown is laid off, and every time you open a bag you encounter a horror show of colors to include pink, lilac, the aforementioned evil blue and the even more evil light blue, and although I have nothing against these colors I don't like them applied to my chocolate snacks.

So. Last night I had an amazing 3 hour facial, which culminated in me going to Giant in the same shopping center as my salon and buying a bag of M&Ms so big it was once thought to be the capitol of Rhode Island. I lugged my bag up the stairs and into my living room where I poured out a few to eat while reading the latest New Yorker, a situation that was truly supposed to be heaven on earth.

But wait. Something was WRONG.

I looked at my little M&Ms, looked at them because I like to arrange them into a pattern before I eat them starting with 3 at a time. If there is no discernible pattern, i.e. if they are 3 different colors, I add 2 until there is a pattern deemed edible. Five usually produces an edible pattern unless one or more shells are broken, in which case you have to keep adding to the pattern until the M&Ms are good quality. The ones with the broken shells are put into a pile which may or may not get consumed depending on how desperate I am for a sugar fix, as I've been known to eat M&Ms I found behind my headboard. But I digress.

Anyway, there were little FLECKS on them, them being the M&Ms. What the fuck I said to myself. These are MELTED. Melted M&Ms cannot be consumed at any time for any purpose no matter how desperate the eater may be. But, performing further forensic analysis, the shape of the M&Ms was not consistent with melting. And only some of the M&Ms had the strange sprinkly variation.

After worrying about this problem for a couple of minutes, I finally noticed the bag, decorated with a bunch of M&Ms in sunglasses (note: M&Ms do not have eyes) with strange shoes dancing amongst some streamers. They were so disco the song night fever began playing in my head though I fought valiantly to stop it.

It turns out these weren't just any M&Ms, they were "groovy" M&Ms, "groovy" of course being M&Ms covered in crap.

Why did Mars do this? I cant even eat my M&Ms with patterns anymore because the patterns are all fucked up due to the shell psoriasis. If I wanted to eat multi-colored M&Ms I would glue two kaleidoscopes to my eyes before consuming. And I'm contemplating a lawsuit against Giant for purposely hiding the true nature of the groovy M&Ms by placing the bag face down on the shelf where evidence of shell tampering was not easily identified.

At least I got 9 groovy points (there was a little square on the package near the bar code indicating the type and number of points). What I can do with these points I don't know. Is it enough to be 9 groovy?