why sheridan wy?

What am I doing in Sheridan this weekend? Good question.

Which I will answer by cheating and pasting something I sent to my friend G in an email a few weeks ago:

I have a friend, Dave, who lives in Missoula (lots of my people, not the jews, the other people related to where I used to work, go there for some reason - my one visit there I found it to be a mud pit with no redeeming qualities but that was back in 1998 when I went to visit Dave and his wife, well, really, I just wanted to eat a raw steak and not be judged). Yesterday I had sent him a picture of myself in a cowboy hat for reasons not worth going into here other than to say he was feeding me shit for not learning how to fly fish even though I live in Colorado and I responded with a joke about taking up rodeo, thus the cowboy hat.

Anyway, he was laughing at my email (normal people, not like you and I, find my writing to be funny because they think it's outrageous - but seriously, is use of the word vagina really that outrageous in these times?) and his friend J, whom he happened to be having a drink with, was like "what's so funny?" so my friend showed him my email, which had my cowboy picture attached at the bottom.

And this is where shit gets WEIRD.

J looked at my picture and said "oh my god, that's the angel!" Dave (my Missoula friend) then sent me an email telling me how J wants to meet me because he almost drown rafting on a river and while almost drowning he saw an angel and it was me and she, the angel that he thinks is me, well, didn't save him, but, okay, I don't know what the fuck she did, but apparently she made quite an impression on him and got him to the surface so he didn't die.

In any case, I sent Dave an email back like "haha, go fuck yourself you piece of shit" and he sent me a link to a story J wrote about his near drowning experience where he mentions the angel.

So I have been emailing J shit like 20 bizarre questions that he has to answer and he's complying (example question I sent him: "Write a 200 word essay on anchovies"). And you know how people look for "connections" that may or may not be there?  I correctly guessed his profession and some other shit about him and while I thought I was being random with the anchovy question it turns out that's his favorite thing to eat. 

Now he wants to meet me for dinner and to teach me to fly fish... Missoula is a long ways away from here. And he has three kids age 19 - 22 (the troubled-rehab-failing out of college years). And Dave said he's 5'8'. I'm 5'8". And guys always lie about their height so he's probably 5'6" (he looks like Al Pacino, who is also short). What's with the short dudes...

Anyway, I've been bored so I thought why not meet J in person. We agreed to meet in Sheridan which is exactly between Missoula and Denver.

My friend G cautioned me about going on this date because he knew it was going to be a shit show. Frankly, I did too but I'm bored.

Some highlights of our Friday evening:

• J was rushing me to meet him at a bar that was 1.6 miles from my hotel (where he said he made a reservation, but he actually made a reservation at the nice hotel in the center of town where I wanted to stay - how fucking weird is that?). I walked there because I don't drive even if I'm only having one drink (unless the drink is beer). When I arrived he asked me what took me so long (I was at the bar 25 minutes after arriving in town and I wasted precious time trying to check into this fucking hotel and get a functioning key so I thought I did pretty good). Then he said "you could have at least put on some make up".
• He insisted we drive to a restaurant that was only 5 blocks away (even though he had been drinking, I wasn't sure how much, he had two beers after I arrived and had a plastic cup of something that he chugged shortly after I arrived). As we approached his truck I noticed it was covered, literally COVERED in bees (they have a bee / wasp problem here, not sure if it's seasonal or not). I've had two nightmares about bees this week. We walked to the restaurant.
• I ordered a salad with chicken at the restaurant. The chicken on the salad was bad. Like, disgusting. So I pushed it to the edge of the salad figuring I would just eat the veggies since I hadn't eaten all day (I don't usually eat when I drive because I get car sick sometimes). J asked why I wasn't eating the chicken and I told him it was bad. He gave me a look and I was like "you fucking taste it and tell me." So he took a bite, and, SERIOUSLY, spit it out IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FUCKING SALAD. Which I then was NOT going to eat. He ended up making a big scene about it and for those who have never been here, Sheridan has about the WORST customer service. It was like being in France. Anyway, a waitress came and took my salad and it wasn't until we were about to leave that the manager came by and asked if I wanted something else to eat. J said "no, she's fine" and when I said "thanks for deciding if I'm hungry or not" he said "you probably think you're really skinny but you aren't very skinny." ??????
• We went to a bar where he did some shots of Jim Beam blue what ever and then he realized I had to walk home because there was no fucking way I was getting into a car with him. He complained the entire 1.6 miles about having to walk me back to the hotel. I told him to shut up because walking was good for him.
• Good night kiss? Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't even give him a hug.

Today he started texting me at 630 am. I was finally like "dude, I'll see you at 1030" because we were supposed to go hiking. Instead of going to the right hiking place he turned down a gravel road that looked barely maintained and I was like "dude, this is not the way to cloud peak, this is a ranch access road" and he was like "you don't know what you're talking about, this is exactly what they described in the guide book". So of course we ended up getting stuck in an area where the road had washed out and he started to freak the fuck out so I took over driving (learned a lot about driving a truck on back roads from the fun hog) and then after I got us back to the easier to drive on section of the road he said "only a lesbian would know how to drive a truck like that."

Luckily he didn't talk on the hike at all. Because I was ready to hit a bitch.

We went back to town for lunch (I have to say lunch was really fucking good, I had an ahi tuna salad) and then he dropped the bombshell on me that he had checked out of his hotel with the thought that he could stay in my room tonight. I decided enough was enough and there was no point in trying to be polite or nice. So I told him to go home and never contact me again. Then I had a pleasant walk back to my shit hole hotel. Getting up at O dark 30 tomorrow to do another hike (the hikes out here are beautiful, who knew this area had mountains? not me) and then head home.

I've decided to stop dating for the next...forever. Anyway, I have to study to be a pilot and won't have much free time and I am going to get back to the climbing gym since I really miss climbing.

Sheridan, WY - come here for the hiking, stay at the best western, eat at Frackelton's and get the ahi tuna salad

do not stay here...this is my hotel...it sucks

guess who's making dinner

Since the maids come tomorrow and there's not a lot for them to clean I've decided every other tuesday is cooking day. And they can clean my kitchen.

Today I made fettuccine spinach carbonara.  It actually tastes good and looks like the picture.

of course, how can any food with bacon in it taste bad?

 Then I made an orzo salad. I started with a recipe and realized I didn't have half the shit I needed so I just made something up. It's good!

the recipe said "serves 4" - 4 what? professional football players???? that's a lot of orzo salad

I was at the brazilian festival on Sunday helping Jess and Edge during slam time. I got to try this brazilian treat, which is like a ball of yum. It's called coxinhas. It was amazing but I could only eat half of it.

chicken, peppers, and cream cheese in a fried...breaded...ball thing - yum

psychic

There's a guy at work that I like to fuck with because when I brought in airplane cookies for my birthday he smashed his to pieces because he's insane.

Anyway, he had been feeding me shit about doing a tarot reading on him so yesterday I did. I told him to think of a question and not to tell me and not to give any indication of whether I was on the right track or not. And guess what. My reading was accurate! For one of the cards I extemporized the meaning of the card and said "you should not do anything hasty and don't create a bad situation because in the end it will backfire." It turns out right after the reading he had been planning to tell his boss to go fuck himself. 

So as a secondary test he said he was going to think of a question and then I would answer it with a card. His question (he told me after) was should he continue stalking this woman he likes on the internet. He had viewed a video of her and her son like a billion times not realizing youtube logs the views and who's viewing the videos if they are signed in. After like the hundredth viewing the woman took all her social media stuff down. Anyway, the card said "you've made a mistake but you should learn from it and move on." Hahaha! Now he thinks I'm psychic and all these people at work are asking me to do their readings because he talks too much. And I have to be like "no bitches, I'm busy".