shot

Last night I had a dream that I was hanging out in this mansion like place somewhere in the suburbs. There was going to be a party and a male friend of mine (not sure who it was because I couldn't see his face - but he was someone I knew) was trying to help me pick out something to wear.

Then these two guys from the CIA showed up and started telling me about how they had given my male friend a shot so he would never get the flu again. They asked if I wanted a shot too and I said yes so they injected something into my back.

A few minutes later my friend came in and said "if those guys ask if you want a shot say no because they're testing a chemical that kills a person in a month". I was like oh fuck, they gave me the shot and my friend was like you're going to die.

Then the CIA guys came back and said "Oh, don't worry about the shot. It might not work. And it's easier because you'll never have to worry about catching up on your sleep again." I started trying to find a calendar in the house so I could figure out when I was going to die, but I kept traveling in time back to when I was 5 years old. I was standing in my old back yard, at the age of 5, in the rain, when I heard one of the guys say "time travel was not something we anticipated this drug could do." Then I started traveling through time so fast that I felt sick, like I was on a roller coaster. Then I felt a burning pain in my head and realized I was going to die.

Then I woke up.

that's the big city...

Well, things are as I expected in Houston. The trip started out insane when my fucking GPS gave me the worst directions ever to my customer site. Then my customer, who is furious at my company and at his sales person, started yelling (yes, yelling) at me the second I walk in the door. All I could think of is the episode on Southpark when the aliens are talking to the cows and the cows are like "but you ripped this other cow's ass out" and the aliens were like "oh, that was Carl, he's new" and the Carl alien goes "my bad!"

Anyway, I've managed to fix some problems, but my ability to fix problems is directly related to how much information the customer gives me. Which is little to none. Until today I couldn't even see what they were doing. He dumped a 40 page pile of the worst code written ever in my lap and I'm supposed to "fix it". On top of what ever other crisis happens. And my customer keeps saying "I think I'm confusing you" and I'm like "maybe if you gave me an actual example of what you're trying to do I could help". Ech. Also, he wants me to write code to fix problems in the release he's using (and yelled at me as if I personally released a version with bugs). He says he can't upgrade until he tests shit, and he won't let me do the testing, so that testing will probably happen next never. When I pointed out to him that if he had used such rigorous "testing" for the previous release he never would have installed it he promptly declared it was lunch time and left the meeting. Why introduce logic into an argument?

The office smells like farts, or maybe it's just that my cube mate farts non-stop. I've lost my rental car twice now in different parking garages. Yesterday I wandered around for over an hour before I found it (I remembered the floor and the area where I was parked, but it's a three part garage spread out over two city blocks and the garages aren't connected, so I went up one side and then had to walk down and go to the next side, etc.). Today I parked in a space I was sure would be easy to find. The problem was the door I came out was locked and I couldn't use it to go back in. I had to go to the bowels of the garage, take an elevator, and then try to re-orient myself. I was only lost for 10 minutes today.

The good news is I have a quart of blue berries and I plan on eating the whole thing for dinner. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day. I just have to keep reminding myself to be like Special Agent Dale Cooper...

Houston

Well, I'm off to spend 6 weeks in Houston. This is probably the worst time of the year to go. As a reward for my suffering I get to spend 2 weeks in Northern California.

I'm kind of over the traveling, but it's billable work. I'm getting sick of clients who cancel engagements at the last minute (one the day before work was supposed to start) and those that screw around and decide on Friday afternoon that I have to absolutely be at their place on Monday morning.

I sometimes think clients don't understand how hard it is to be a consultant. My biggest pet peeves:

• You've known for a few months that I'm coming to town, and you made ridiculous requests about the amount of work you want me to get done. But when I get to your place you have no time to spend with me. Really, I love staying up until 1 in the morning looking at your jacked up spreadsheets of data trying to figure out what the fuck to do so I don't get dinged for not finishing a deliverable.
• Oh, you didn't realize I need a desk to work at? Where the fuck do you think I'm going to put my computer? You thought I would love balancing my laptop at the end of your desk between pictures of your kids and dog? No, that doesn't work for me.
• So your office is locked down like Fort Knox. If my movements are going to be restricted tell me before I get there. Yeah, I smoke. Shoot me. I don't think it's unreasonable that I can leave your building at least once during the course of a day to have some peace and quiet. You think it's inconvenient for you to escort me? Try being me.
• If your building doesn't have a cafeteria or a close by place with food tell me before I get there. It's not so much fun to have to go the whole day without eating. 
• All that noise in the conference room is not conducive to me being able to write code. I can block out most noise. But give me a few hours of quiet to work.
• I know I'm not the typical consultant. But that doesn't mean I want to have sex with you or spend hours eating dinner with you while you drop hints about how your marriage sucks and you haven't gotten laid in years. Not my problem. I'm at your site to work. I'm not there to entertain you. I have other clients to deal with in the evening. Except on a rare occasion I don't want to eat dinner with you. Or lunch for that matter. That's an hour of time that's precious on a short engagement, and being able to work through lunch means I'm not going to have to work until 11 at night in my hotel room.
• If because of security I can't get on the internet think of a better way to get data to me than email. If we can't exchange stuff using a USB drive email me stuff while I'm at the hotel. No, I don't want to drive over to starbucks and waste 45 minutes of my day receiving emails from you because you can't get files to me any other way. And if you send me to starbucks don't freak out that the huge file you sent me takes 20 minutes to download because I'm using free (i.e. shitty) wifi.
• If you know I have to leave to catch a plane don't bring up a major issue as I'm packing up. It's always the clients that make me miss my plane that end up bitching about the $150 fee to schedule a new flight.

 That being said, I'm sure I'm going to have fun in Houston...