speaking of "holy", my pitch letter for the holey wars

I found this doing research for my book. It's the first pitch letter I ever wrote, pitching an article Mayo and I wrote for Falling magazine. I did hear back from the gentleman I sent this to, but they never did publish our story. The story can be found here: http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2007/02/holey-wars.html

Almost too embarrassing to read this now:

I tried to submit this via the email listed on the Falling web page but the server seems to have disappeared. No comments on the skills of the web master.

Anyway, Mayo suggested I email this to you. He would have sent it himself but he's busy right now getting Banff blow jobs and soloing something called "the pencil" (not a name to impress the ladies – even "the eraser" would imply more, um, girth). Now, take a couple of shots of your favorite scotch/bourbon/whatever before you proceed further into the ACTUAL MESSAGE:

To the esteemed editor of Falling Magazine:

I have always been a fan of your country, including the hard working Mounties with those oh so shiny buckles. And I'm an even bigger fan of Falling, as many of your articles have helped me improve my climbing and inspired me to make even more fun of sport climbers. 

Will Mayo and I have written an article for your review, titled The Holey Wars. It concerns the dangerous and unprecedented jihad going on in the climbing community against people who bolt climbs. We feel that this information will be useful to your readers.

The article includes:

- an interview with the Jewish Jihadist who chopped all the bolts on the Royal Caribbean cruise ships

- an update on the Pentagon's latest bolt technology

- a short plug for the new drink Red Bolt

- more information on the blow up doll debacle on Everest

We hope you enjoy it.

Sincerely yours on belay,

Franki & Will

p.s. if you didn't find it amusing, please have more shots and then start again, from the top, up we go...

baptist bastards

I was just reading an article on NPR about the Westborough Baptist church in Topeka Kansas. They've been protesting at military funerals against gay people and were sued by the father of a soldier who died in Iraq (his son wasn't gay):

http://www.npr.org/2011/03/02/134194491/high-court-rules-for-military-funeral-protesters

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Though the supreme court voted they can continue protesting at funerals because it's their first amendment right, if those stupid fucks really had an issue that they wanted to resolve, they should fucking go to Washington and protest there. Disturbing the families who have lost someone in the war is unconscionable, sick, and not christian. Obviously they are trying to get media coverage, and they carry signs like "god hates fags" and "pray for more dead soldiers".


If hatred and prejudice was the answer, all of the world's problems would have been solved a long time ago. These protesters will accomplish nothing, at an emotional toll to families that shouldn't have to suffer more. Idiots. I hope all the toilets of the people participating in this protest back up and cost thousands of dollars to fix.

proposal is done!

I am so damn productive today...I also just sent off the final version of my newly revised book proposal. The last three days have been hell, trying to write a proposal that was funny, to the point, and informative about my book. It was a great exercise though. And even no agent picks up my book, I think they will laugh at at least one of the jokes.

When I get feedback from David I'll post my new proposal, for any of you aspiring writers.

And now back to writing. Finishing up the last edits on my book. Then on to the next project...a children's book about a giant, an alligator, and a kangaroo who's arms are too short. If anyone can think of a catchy title please post it in comments...

bread in a blanky

 I'm making bread again. I know you dudes are thinking, like, what kind of disaster is it going to be this time.

Well, for your information, I did things differently. When I added water to the dry ingredients I used warm water (though my brother told me that the yeast is supposed to be refrigerated or it goes bad or some shit like that, I'm going to have to research that in more detail because I looked at the yeast packet and there was NOTHING saying to put it in the refrigerator). And this time, instead of just covering it with plastic wrap I also gave it a little bread blanky to keep it warm.

So far the results are good. The dough rose this time. I just made it into a ball and put it in a towel, as the directions stated. We'll see if the ball really doubles in size or not. Hm. Wonder if I should use a lighter towel. What if the bread can't rise because the towel is weighing it down?

I also realized I left out two steps last time I made the bread. The first was to flour the dough and let it rest for 15 minutes before making it into a ball (will have to research to find out why I had to do that). The second thing is I forgot to take the lid off of the dutch oven the last 15 minutes I was baking the bread. Oops. Also, I think I only baked it for 30 minutes instead of 45.

I'll let you know how it comes out. My brother, his girlfriend, and the FRG are coming over for dinner tonight. FRG is making everything but the bread. Thankfully.

phone book procrastination

I'm procrastinating finishing my book proposal, YES, I'm writing it AGAIN, new format this time. I'm following the format from The Essential Guide to Getting Your Book Published. It's a great resource for any writer (I'm not just saying that because they are helping me with my book). There's samples of EVERYTHING and explanations on why, for example, a pitch letter or proposal is good. I finally started reading it after talking to David Sterry a few weeks ago and wish I had this book a year ago.

It turns out a lot of the stuff I had in my original proposal and cover letter was right. Then two editors, who are actually great editors, gave me all this advice about making my letter and proposal sound "more professional". Instead of the funny stuff I wrote they had me put in boring crap. So now I'm taking the proposal I wrote 1 1/2 years ago and trying to enhance it along the guidelines in Essential Guide.

But it's taking a long time. It's hard to summarize things. And then I have to make them funny. I can make stuff short but then have to re-edit to get in some one liners, then it's too long, then I have to fix it again. Ech.

I'll put it out on my blog when I'm done.

I've also spent the past week editing and rewriting large parts of my book. Again. I thought I would be done by Friday but I was so burned out I decided to work on the proposal instead. Anyway, the final rewrites will be done by Wednesday of this week. I think the book is funnier and I hope I've taken care of the problems people complained about (two stories had "no point other than climbing" and "not enough personal stuff"). I think the ending is much better too.

Maybe someday...this damn thing will be on a bargain bin shelf at Barnes and Noble...

bye bye phone books!

I just read an article about this great new service that lets you opt out of receiving phone books! The address is www.yellowpagesoptout.com. You can choose to receive no books or only certain books.

Who uses a phone book these days anyway?