growl-o-ween party

Last night my friend C and I went to the Serenity Springs growl-o-ween party, hosted at the home of the owners of Serenity Springs, Jeff and Julie. Maybe I shouldn't have been driving. I mistook C's neighbor's yard for a driveway and also went to the wrong house. C found me and the neighbors weren't mad that I parked in the middle of their yard.

The party was seriously in the middle of nowhere. I drove past the road I was supposed to turn on and had to turn around. When we found the road we realized we were entering a gated property. Then we drove around on random dirt roads until we found the house. It was HUGE (15,000 square feet of party space). We walked in and found ourselves in a room that had a swimming pool, complete with a slide, diving board, and of course a giant disco ball.

I want to live here!

The walls were stone and the ceiling was wood with intricate patterns. The place must have cost a fortune to build. It's on 40 acres of land and Jeff is going to build enclosures for some of the cats that are injured so they can recover before moving to the sanctuary.

We spent about an hour talking to Julie about the sanctuary. She's open to some of my marketing ideas and I'm going to talk to her about them in the future. She and her husband pay most of the sanctuary expenses. She also showed me pictures of two two week old white tigers. She hasn't advertised them yet. I think I'm going to adopt them for the kids of two of my work colleagues.

C did some Jamaican shots called bob marleys (the party was catered by a Jamaican couple) and then we wandered around the house. It has 8 bedrooms and 14 bathrooms. And art work all over the place.

coming around one corner we stumbled on a knight in shining armor - literally

C told me to stand next to him so she could take a picture and then we would pretend he was my boyfriend - I thought the picture was blurry because of my eyes but it turns out it was just a shitty picture - no offense C!

Then we hung out with Julie and Jeff's son and daughter in law in their bedroom which is almost as big as my house. They just moved to Colorado from South Carolina and we were telling them fun things to do downtown.

They were laughing at me because I was walking funny due to my depth perception going in and out. I kept putting in eye drops to see if that would help and the daughter in law said "I was once addicted to eye drops" and I said "Fuck, I guess I'll have to go to eye drops anonymous".

Then C and I wandered onto a cool deck but people were smoking up so we decided to check out the yard. Right behind the house is a huge gazebo that could easily hold 40 people. There was a little bridge going to the gazebo because it was surrounded by a moat. Yes, a moat.

It kind of reminded me of the drug dealer houses in Central America.

And then we left and went to a party that C's parents were attending. It was someone's birthday, his name is Pops, or that's what everyone called him. I got to meet C's mom and dad and they said C makes them laugh with stories of the crazy shit I do at work (I was like "but most of the time those things are HER idea!"). I left and C told me to text her when I got back to the hotel because she was worried about me but I was fine.

Text at 1 am this morning with C:

me: I should go to sleep but I'm wired tired. I was exhausted at the party but now I can't sleep. I watched tv for an hour. I think it jacked up my brain.
C: maybe that's why I am so jacked up, I have my tv on 24 / 7...have you been using your sleep mode on your fitbit?
me: yes, every morning I'm like "I had to have slept at least 6 hours!"  and then my fitbit is like "guess what loser, you only slept 5 hours, 4 times awake, 18 times restless" and I'm like "seriously, fitbit? why do you have to tell me that I was restless 18 times? fucking lie to me and maybe I'll sleep better."

Tonight we go to the sanctuary for a tour. Julie said if there's time we can hold the baby tigers. If not we're going to go back in two weeks to see them.

Chapter 15: The Croco-diamond Performs His Experiment

The giant man saw the ticky-tap-tap of the Italianis parked in the drive way of the farm. He worried. And when he saw the Italianis in the courtyard, chopping termaters with a large knife, he worried more.

The kangawrong, terrified at the sight of the Italianis with a large knife, felt its ears crinkle down the sides of its head. It rolled up the passenger window and ducked down onto the seat so none outside the ticky-tap-tap could see it.

“Ah good sir, so kind of you to join us at the farm! Sorry to keep you waiting. I trust you’ve brought everything for the plan?” said the croco-diamond, kalumping out of the hammock in the bed of the ticky-tap-tap.

“Eetsa all-a here!” said the Italianis, pointing with the large knife first to the chopped termaters and then to some green herbs.

“Then it’s time for the experiment.”

“Hold on a second,” said the giant man. “What experiment?”

“I have been doing some studies on curative foods for allergies. I stumbled upon a plantae, in the family lampshade, latin name SolanYum LycoParis. Some think it a fruit, and some a vegeta-”

“But what experiment?”

“An experiment to attempt to cure me of my cringle sensitivity using termaters, which have medicinal powers. And to try a new recipe of my own making. Now, where is my dear one to fetch me a cringle crisp?”

All turned towards the ticky-tap-tap and saw the tips of the kangawrong’s furry ears just visible at the bottom of the passenger window.

“Come out dear one! I have a surprise for you!”

The tips of the ears shook back and forth nononono.

“He’s afraid of the Italianis,” said the giant man.

“He won’t hurt you. Put down the knife,” said the croco-diamond to the Italianis. And then to the kangawrong, “In fact, the Italianis wants to apologize for yelling at you.”

“But-ah, it murshed-ah my-ah termaters!” said the Italianis.

“You, dear sir, must learn to forgive and forget. Especially as we are now business partners. And here, as promised, is my investment in the business.”

The croco-diamond handed the Italiani his d.Dornian ruby that had been given to him by a real King, the King having given the croco-diamond the ruby so he would leave the King’s kingdom. And though it was a constant reminder to the croco-diamond that sometimes his lectures and speeches irritated people to the point where they sent him away forever, he had never given a jewel to anyone before. It was a momentous occasion.

The giant man looked surprised.

And more surprised when the Italiani said, “You want-a me-ah to apologize-a to the biggie feetsie one?”

And the croco-diamond said, “Yes. Come, I’ll show you how it’s done. Dear one?” The croco-diamond walked up to the passenger window. “May I speak to you for a moment?”

The passenger window rolled down. Then the kangawrong’s ears popped up and pointed toward the croco-diamond.

“Can I see your face?”

The kangawrong raised its head so that just its eyes showed above the door.

“I am sorry.”

Ploink ploink went the eyes.

The croco-diamond turned toward the Italianis. “I will demonstrate again how to apologize.”

He turned to the giant man, bowed his head, and said, “I am sorry.”

#

The croco-diamond sat the kitchen table. Before him was a plate of cringle crisps covered with chopped termaters and herbs. All stood behind him nervously. The croco-diamond put the cringle crisp and termater mix in his mouth.

Crunch. Crunch.

“I...I...” The croco-diamond covered his face with his front feet. Everyone was silent. He removed his front feet from his face.

“I am cured!”

All clapped.

“And! I’ve invented a marvelous new topping! Which we will sell with the cringle crisps! We will sell lots! So the giant man will never worry about losing his farm again! And the new topping will also make money to pay back the Italianis for the murshed termaters!”

At that the kangawrong blushed but could not resist a fancy hop. However, it checked first that it wasn’t going to land on anything.

“Why, this is wonderful! This is the most wonderful thing in all of the worlds!” The giant man beamed at the croco-diamond.

“But there’s one more thing,” said the croco-diamond. He produced, from under the table, the new packaging that would soon contain the best and most crunchy snack in all of the worlds.

The kangawrong looked at the box, and its eyes went plink plink poink.

For there, on the front of the box, was a picture drawn by the croco-diamond and not too badly of the kangawrong. The lettering on the box said “Kanga Crisps.”

Beside the box, the croco-diamond placed a glass jar. On the front was a picture he had drawn of himself in a white chef’s hat, holding a spatula. All murmured their admiration of the glass jar which would soon contain the new topping.

“But what will you call the topping?” asked the giant man.

“I think I will call it...” The croco-diamond paused dramatically, and then said -

 “Salsa!”  

And the giant man laughed and the kangawrong clapped.

Because it was the silliest thing they had ever heard.

Chapter 14: All Learn From the Croco-diamond’s Song

“Gentleman, please!” said the croco-diamond, “Before you tooth him with your teeth, may I offer up a parable?”

“Pair a bowls? Them’s the thangs you et spaghetti in, right?” Asked Earl. “That feller talks funny but he’s always givin’ us things.”

“Parable. It’s a story whose purpose is to teach a lesson,” said the giant man. “I would mention also that it’s a VERY SHORT story,” he added, giving the croco-diamond a look.

“Very well then, the parable,” said the croco-diamond. “Once there was a - feller.”

The whitey biteys looked bored. One said, “That feller’s jest gonna talk some more stuff nobody unnerstans what he’s sayin’. I thought we was gettin’ some spaghetti.”

The croco-diamond had to keep their attention and make them understand.

So he sang his parable.

“Once there was a feller, he never was a yeller!”

On the wharf the kangawrong did drum jumps to accompany the croco-diamond.

“He would not get maaaaad

Even when others made him sad

Because they did things that were bad

He said the best way to live

Was always to forgiiiiive!”

The croco-diamond lifted the octopeu from his head and looked into his eyes, which were still covered, sort of, by the sunglass. The tentacles stretched but did not release the croco-diamond’s head.

“And if you’re bad or tell lies

You must always apologiiiiiize!”

“I think that feller is on ta somethin’ with his pair-a-bowls,” said the largest whitey bitey. “Anyways, now we got back our fine mittens. We don’t need no more bother with that crafty feller and doin’ things like to tooth him.”

The octopeu released the croco-diamond’s head and plopped with a ploop into the water. The croco-diamond poked him with a nail and whispered “Go ahead.”

“Here ees a leetle song from moi.

I le stole your le meetens

eet was very bad

I made every fone oh sooooo sad

I jeest fant to say I’m sorry

I am good now

plees don’t worry!”

All clapped and the octopeu bowed.

Earl said, “Aw shucks, pardner, we done forgave you your stealin’ all our fine mittens.”

And then the whitey biteys sang their own song for all who had brought the mittens:

Under the sea! Under the sea!

Won't you come see us under the sea?

We'll eat starfish crackers and jellyfish cheese!

So pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease

Won't you come see us under the sea?

Slowly their grey heads vanished into the water as the last line was being sung. Soon all that could be seen in the deep were the OrangeUGlad and BananaSafely mittens glowing in the water.

#

The kangawrong patted the giant man’s leg. When he bent down creak oof it handed him the beret and scarf it had knitted from the sock. The giant man put his hand in the water KERPLUNK and the octopeu took the gifts.

“Ees perfecto! Very stylee!” With his scarf, beret, and sunglass the octopeu looked very Freuch.

“Well, I am finally glad he wears red socks!” said the croco-diamond. “The color is very suitable to the octopeu’s complexion I think.”

#

After the whitey biteys and the octopeu departed the croco-diamond made a few more swim strokes in the water so all on the wharf could see how well he swam. Then he swam the length of the wharf, following the kangawrong and the giant man.

The sun dried the water from the croco-diamond’s back and he lay sleepily on the sand as the giant man pulled out a snack for all to eat.

“Given your song, is there anything you’d like to say to us?” he asked the croco-diamond, handing him a plate of pretsicles.

“Yes, yes there is.” The croco-diamond put his plate of pretsicles down in the sand and looked at all with a serious expression.

“I think my song was better. I have much more range than the octopeu.” He began to hum dee dee deetle deeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

“Anything else?”

“Hm,” thought the croco-diamond, “I wanted to tell you about what happened on my mission but thought I should wait until dinner...dinner...Oh dear, I’d forgotten!”

The croco-diamond quickly dumped his plate of pretsicles into his mouth and hurriedly crunched them. He indicated to the kangawrong and the giant man by madly flapping his front feet that they should finish their snacks as well.

“In all the excitement of the mission I forgot about THE experiment! We must return home IMMEDIATELY! He is going to be waiting...”

“Oh no,” said the giant man. “What now?”