14er fever

I had no idea, a year ago, when I gave my friend Cam's son a book to read on Hugh Herr that he would decide he really wanted to be a climber. He's funding his own trip next year to climb Kilimanjaro. And he's spent the summer bagging 14ers out here in Colorado.

I was feeling a bit depressed that I hadn't done one 14er this summer due to switching jobs and still traveling. So when my friend Kevin asked me this week if I wanted to escort himself and his two room mates, Leon and Peter, up a 14er (their first) of course I said yes.

We were supposed to do Quandry peak this morning. But at 8 PM last night someone finally figured out that Quandry was farther away than anticipated. I suggested Bierstat instead. It's more scenic and closer.

I sent detailed instructions on what to pack, most of which were ignored by Kevin. Including the first thing on the list, a spare set of socks. The beginning of the bierstat trail can be muddy and wet. About 10 minutes into our hike Kevin fell into a creek. Luckily Peter had an extra pair of socks for Kevin to use. I should probably not mention another detail, which is that Kevin was farting like freight train the whole hike up.

It was a great day even with all the crowds. When we summitted there must have been at least 50 other people on top. We took quick pictures and then I suggested we head down. The weather on Bierstat can change quickly, and I didn't want to have to haul ass down the rock pile/talus field that is Bierstat's peak with 50 other people and their badly behaved dogs.

Peter had me laughing with his impromptu singing. He would sing two lines of a song and then stop. He got one 80s song stuck in my head for most of the hike though. That was kind of annoying. Then he and Kevin had an argument because Peter thought he was singing The Final Countdown and Kevin was like "no, that's a Stix song."

When we arrived back at the car everyone was like "that was only 7 miles???? that was hard!" We ran into a guy with Tennessee license plates who was not hiking but who was drinking red wine in the Bierstat parking lot. He was like "You hiked all the way up here? That looks tiring. We're drinking."

Point taken :)

I hope that Leon and Peter invite me on some more of their adventures. I dubbed Peter the mountain lion because for a smoker he had a great pace and was good at route finding through the talus field. I think he's also been bitten by the 14er bug. He was googling 14ers the whole ride home and wants to do Torey's/Gray's in a few weeks.

Rock on. Hiking partners!

When I was saying goodbye to them at their house at the end of our little adventure Peter was like "Thank you so much for guiding us up Bierstat." I was like "I didn't do anything except laugh when Kevin farted." Peter said "But you encouraged us up when we wanted to turn around."

I was like "I don't remember doing that." And he said "Well, we figured if someone with a knee built from dead body parts could get up Bierstat so could we."

It's the best compliment I've received in a while.

why I will not eat at mici's again

Last Friday night I ordered a pizza from Mici's to be delivered. They have really good pizza. The wait time is usually long, but more so on Friday (1 1/2 hours).

The pizza was $24, $27 including the tip. I should have looked at the pizza BEFORE I tipped the asshole who delivered it. I guess he had been holding the box sideways. All the toppings were slopped on one side of the pizza and all over the box. And they had left off the basil topping (which cost $2.50).

I sent an email to Mici's complaining about my pizza (calling there on a Friday night is ridiculous - you sit on hold forever). They responded in an hour apologizing. If I had asked for a new pizza it would have been 11 PM before I got it. They said they would send me a gift certificate instead. I sent them a picture of the pizza in response so they could see I wasn't making the story up.

A few days later I got the "gift certificate". It was for a free personal pizza. What????? I paid $27 for a pizza that only had 2 edible slices (the other topping covered slices were so soaked with sauce and melted cheese that I couldn't even get them off the bottom of the pizza box and the ones that were just crust...well why would I eat crust?). And they send me an $8 coupon? I order from them at least once a week, sometimes more if people are over. A few times they've accidentally undercharged me and I always corrected them and paid the right price.

Further, because I order from them so much I get free personal pizzas every few months. I always give them away because those tiny pizzas turn out to be half crust and half toppings (not a big fan of crust in and of itself).

What they SHOULD have done is refunded my money for the pizza, or at least given me a gift certificate for the size of pizza I ordered and fine, I'd pay for toppings.

Fuck you Mici's. In this economy screwing your customers is a bad idea.

Anyway, a new sushi place just opened that delivers to my house. Guess what I'm having for dinner tonight.

and about my new book

At dinner on Saturday I was talking to the writer's group inner circle about my dreams (can't remember how it came up). I initially wanted to make them into a book but people thought it was a stupid idea. But Jeff thought it was a good idea. He asked me to send him links to some of my dreams, but said he was too busy rewriting a play that's in a contest to read them until August 25th.

Me:

Jeff, you aren't THAT god damn busy that you can't take five minutes to read these:

The dream about a comedy show with a great white (forgot about the jewish jokes in this, you'll enjoy it)
http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2009/02/shark-ha-ha-show.html

The dream about being in a show where Drew Barrymore gets killed:
http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2009/07/broken-vase.html

This is about finding out the secrets of the universe. You will laugh, I promise:
http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2011/04/secret-of-universerevealed-here.html

Can't find the monster dream right now, but this is a dream I had about magic clay and farts:
http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2008/12/if-only-there-were-such-thing-as-magic.html

So, maybe this could be my next book...

Jeff:

These are all pretty great.  I think each would make a good short story.  Start with that and then worry about making them into a book.  

Me:

"Dear New Yorker Magazine:

I am submitting for your consideration a short story I've written based on a dream I had about magic clay. Tea Leoni also farts into a vat of tuna salad and makes Elizabeth Taylor eat it. I apologize for not being able to figure out how to make a squiggle over the "e" in Tea's name.

Sincerely,

Franki Flowers"

I'll be published in no time!

Jonathan (who's only 21):

I feel utterly hopeless about being able to write anything half as interesting as everything I've just read.

Me:

Jonathan,

The secret to life is that you're going to die. So do shit assuming it's going to kill you but you're going to die anyway so who cares.

Then laugh about it. And write it down. Including any resulting nightmares or dreams.

"Oh shit, I just stepped on a rusty nail and will die of tetanus! Remember when Kevin made farting noises? Haha! Oh, was that a dream or was I really abducted by aliens?"

Fade to black.

 

middle earth

Yesterday evening I was catching up on the XCKD comics and I came across one titled "cirith ungol" that had a person entering a cave that was full of webs. One of the webs said "some pig!" I didn't get it.

So I emailed the inner writer's group.

Me:

Do any of you fags know anything about middle earth? I don't get this comic and it's driving me crazy.

http://www.xckd.com/1087/

Kevin:

Sorry. I've had sex during this millennium so I'm unqualified to answer.

Jeff:

Kevin you suck.  I know the answer. 

 

It’s at the end of the second book of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Sam uses a magic light in a cave with a really large spider.  The cave is the way to get around Cirith Ungol, which is a really bad fortress. 

 

Kevin:

All that Lord of the Rings knowledge, and you still can't get laid. How is that possible?

 

Jeff:

Me:

Thanks Jeffy.

But.

Why is the comic funny? Why does the web say "some pig"?

I need to know. I might not be able to sleep tonight if I don't find out. I can't keep googling shit forever. I have to watch Diva.

I just need someone to tell me why this comic is funny.

Jeff:

The some pig is a reference to Charlotte’s Web.  It’s a children’s book (actually quite good) about a spider that makes friends with a pig.  To keep the pig from becoming bacon she starts to make words in her webs.  Since people are stupid, they think the pig is doing it and not the spider.  So the spider keeps the pig alive.  One of the things she writes is “some pig.”  It’s a clever comic, but not hilarious.

Kevin (obviously on a different page than the rest of us):

It's a bad pun, Franki. His name is Malcom Jamal WARNER. From the Cosby Show. Warner-Warning? Get it?

Me:

I'm blond and don't own a tv.

I didn't get it.

 

Jeff:

Franki, just make a list of all the jokes and we’ll help you.

 

 

Everyone should join a writer's group. Even if you don't write.

 

 

 

shows that need more sharks!

NPR just put up the best article ever, in celebration of shark week, about TV shows that could use a shark to enhance the plot.

I don't have a TV and I've never seen any of the shows but the article was fucking hilarious anyway.

My additions to the article, but for movies:

Crazy Heart - Instead of meeting Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jeff Bridges is thrown into the ocean and eaten by a shark. The movie ends in less than 15 minutes, leaving me time to watch another episode of my Chaos class.

Happy-Go-Lucky - Five minutes into the movie a genetically engineered shark that can survive on land eats Poppy. Then the director splices in Casablanca.

Citizen Kane - At the end of the movie Kane goes bankrupt building a giant salt water tank. It is uncovered, after he dies, that rosebud was his pet shark.

Life Aquatic - That already has a shark in it, which makes it one of the best movies ever.