from Russia, with congratulations

A colleague of mine, who is russian, sent this to me yesterday on rosh hashanah.

He wrote:

The Cyrillic text of this Soviet era document (modified in the digital age, one would think) reads: "This is to confirm that the recipient of this form is a Zionist and has to be congratulated with the sweet holiday of Rosh Hashana. Shana Tova. Signed: the Major General of the Legal Service of the Soviet Arm Forces (signatures follow).

Very cool! Thanks for sending V!

perhaps they think I can now travel back in time

The incompetence of my company is starting to surprise even me. I just received a confirmation yesterday for a class I taught last week...

The best part is, I get dinged by my management for traveling without a confirmation. Did anyone in scheduling get in trouble? Um, no, because that would be logical.

hampster box

This morning my sales guy was bragging about how he was upgraded to a Camaro. I was feeling bitter because of my shitty car. I said "I can always tell which car is mine because it's surrounded by nice cars and SUVs. I don't even check the board for my name anymore."

The sales guy said "Yeah, it's so funny. When I got into Oakland yesterday I noticed as I was picking up my car that they had one of those hampster boxes parked in the president's circle." I was like "hampster box?" and he said "you know, those boxy cars (he made a box with his hands), total piece of shit car, and in the commercial they have hampsters driving the car".

I said "when did you get in?" and he responded that he had arrived a half hour before I did.

I was like "dude, that was my car!" Then we all had to go out to the parking lot so everyone could make fun of my car.

It's nice that my misery is the source of amusement for the rest of my project team.

topless on the beach

At the end of a VERY long day today, which I spent untangling data, my customer said to me "How does this sound? Topless, on the beach, with a great bottle of wine." The sales guy sitting next to me said "Oh, that would be nice" and the other sales guy, at the head of the table, said "I would totally be up for that." My customer smiled at me and said "It's sounds unanimous. What do you think?"

I was like "Um, what?"

It turns out he said "tapas" not topless. Though, I think he DID say topless, and meant tapas. My hearing is a lot better than everyone else's at the table (or maybe they just block the sound of my voice and that's why I have to repeat myself).

and how could I have forgotten, the woMan pat down

Maybe I shouldn't fly before 8 am. Besides the cranky bitch who took my wine bottle opener (I broke the knife off of it but apparently, after flying through DIA for 6 fucking years, someone thought it was a security threat) I was subjected to a pat down by a woMan. Meaning, I thought she was a man until she spoke to me.

I had just walked out of the x-ray whirrly gig and was arguing about my opener when the x-ray whirrly gig operator said "I need to examine your hair."

Um, what? I know in recent weeks my hair has taken on epic proportions (need a haircut). And I had just applied a Fekkai hair mask last night (best hair products ever) and just rinsed it out without washing my hair. And this morning I didn't bother drying it because it saves time to just roll down my window and dry it that way (sorry Cam). So I admit I looked a little crazy with all my cowlicks and curls that corkscrew out from the sides of my head. But still.

So I went to remove my sunglasses, which I had put on top of my head, and she yelled "Ma'am, DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES!" Like, it's 7 in the morning. I don't get moving until at least 10. She ran her fingers through my hair, at one point getting her hand stuck (I have knots). Then she looked at the top of my head for at least 20 seconds (blue latex gloves on my face, so gross) before finally telling me I could go.

What the fuck? What the fuck did I do to deserve having my hair man handled? I think all TSA employees should be randomly checked by their co-workers. It was humiliating. I do not like to be touched, especially by a woMan.

I have a small rash on my face where she touched it. Maybe I'll sue.

the more things change, the more fucked up they get

Well, my luck doesn't seem to be changing...

On Saturday I finally started weeding through my emails from Friday. There was a reschedule notice for the class that got botched last week. I didn't bother to look at it until Saturday because I expect people to be able to do their jobs and not totally fuck things up. Which is stupid on my part, because they always fuck up.

My scheduler and the training coordinator talked to reschedule the class. My scheduler HAS MY SCHEDULE. It's HER JOB. But, somehow, the class got rescheduled for Wednesday instead of Friday as we had discussed. I am in California on Wednesday, making it hard to also teach a class in Maryland.

I sent out an email as soon as I realized the date was wrong. Of course, no one has answered me yet. Am I the only idiot who works on weekends? Apparently.

I used to get an ulcer over shit like this. Now, I don't even care.

In other news, I guess Hertz is bitter about my keyed up bumper broken car fiasco. When I got to Oakland I arrived at my Hertz parking spot to find a Nissan Versa. The only door lock is on the driver's side door. You can't unlock the other locks with the front locks, you have to unlock them manually. It, seriously, has manual roll up roll down windows.

And I'm in the president's circle.

TSA at Denver confiscated my wine bottle opener that I have been flying with for 10 years.

And I was walking down a street in Hayward when a guy came up and said "there's a smoking ban in all public places, you can't even smoke in your car, it's a $500 fine". Great. Because the police have nothing better to do.

Maybe I should try to get a job in Europe for a while...