the next buckaroo bonzai: Doomsday Penis Code

Last night I was watching a show called Ancient Aliens in the TV. My customer recommended it and I was too tired to read so the guy at the front desk found it in there for me and I settled down to watch it.

THEN! SUDDENLY! There was a guy from my writer's group being interviewed on the show!!!!!!!! I was like whoa THAT'S WEIRD. So I emailed Kevin:

Remember that guy [] that came to meetings with his boring civil war novel? Well, I'm watching a show and that dude was on the show! There he is again! Weird!

The show is about ufos.

Kevin:

Well, that makes sense. UFOs caused the Civil War, I think. Not-So-Nearly-Ancient Aliens.

Me:

[] was around during the civil war, but the aliens kept him alive to infiltrate our writer's group because some members are also aliens. Mike, if he is an alien, is a kind alien. []'s boring stories were an attempt to put us under hypnotic control.

I won a software award today. I hate my employer. Glad I have a job interview in Aurora next week.

Kevin:

A great big Fonzie "thumbs up!" for winning the award, yet it sucks dead monkeys that they're making shit-tons of money off your "spare time" invention. Definitely get a better job, then sue them. Or better yet, tell them that you inserted a "doomsday" code in it that will delete all the computer's hard drives and replace them with a picture of a talking penis... unless they cough up money for you.

I would not wish Aurora upon my worst enemy. What place in that shithole would require your brain-power and sheer, staggering sense of dry irony?

Me:

Okay, why did I just have to look up Fonzie on wikipedia? Because I'm confused by tv references.

I always code easter eggs. But, nothing that will bring about the destruction of the world. I'm not that good at writing code.

 

Kevin:

 

The point is, to spread the RUMOR that you inserted the code. Not that you actually DID. They can't sell it if the buyers hear there's a DOOMSDAY PENIS CODE ready to delete hard drives. Just like the movie "Independence Day" and that shit was TRUE.

 

Me:

 

Dude, next project, let's co-author a screen play called doomsday penis code. It could be the next buckaroo bonzai.

 

Kevin:

 

"Buckaroo Banzai" didn't make any money, though it was a clever film. I like your idea, though. We'll write the "Avatar" of penis-titled movies.

Me:

Not if I have to watch avatar. My dad turned it off after 10 minutes. I can't watch more than he did because he's my dad.

 

Kevin:

 

Avatar earned nearly $2.8 billion. If we're aiming high (and what penis isn't?) then that's the mark we're looking to hit. But hey, hitting $280 is fine, too.

 

I can't believe I'm having this conversation with my dad

My dad never read anything I wrote before I wrote a chapter about him in my book. He hasn't read my book, just the parts about him, but he did provide me with technical corrections to the chapter where I describe a conversation we had about carbon:

My dad said, "Those lower cost solar panels are made from amorphous silicon semiconductor material. They can readily be produced but are low in efficiency, and over time they degrade and can fail early. The crystalline material is better." I thought about all the fluid in my knee turning to a crystallized mass, cutting the soft tissue.

He paused, also contemplating crystal structures, but not the ones in my knee. “"Isn't it interesting that carbon has three polymorphs? One produces pencil lead, one sparkling diamonds, and one fullerenes that spawned the nanotechnology revolution. Carbon is a unique element since it can form single, double, and triple bonds with itself..."

     My vision went white. I was going to pass out. I collapsed on a rock, and then I lost consciousness. When I regained consciousness I looked around, confused. There were pine needles scattered on the ground near my feet. I wished Martha Stewart was with us so that she could make me a pillow with them. I knew I would never leave that rock.

Anyway, I was talking to him about my cringle crisp caper book which he also read  (because he's on chemo and it's light reading). I was standing in the lobby of my hotel to get better phone reception when I was talking to him.

He said "I liked the book, but the ending sucked. The croco-diamond didn't do enough to make up for robbing the ton-o-tap". I was like "but he invented salsa and renamed the cringle crisps after the kangawrong". And my dad was like "that's not enough, he needs to give up the d.Dornian diamond to pay for a bunch of equipment to modernize the giant man's farm". I argued with him for a while and realized he was right.

Then I told him that I was also thinking to add in a song that the whitey biteys would sing, called "Under the Sea", to thank the giant man, kangawrong, and croco-diamond for the mittens. It goes:

Under the sea! Under the sea!

Won't you come see us under the sea?

We'll eat starfish crackers and jellyfish cheese!
So pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease 

won't you come see us under the sea?

My dad thought it was a good idea.

Then I hung up the phone and noticed everyone in the lobby was looking at me as if I'd gone mad.

Because, seriously, who argues with their dad about croco-diamonds? And recites a poem about jellyfish cheese.

oh just MAKE IT FUCKING STOP

So, at 5:15 pm today, FRIDAY, my client decided to upgrade the software I support. Of course he screwed up and caused a licensing issue and I had to dig around the guts of Windows 7 for 2 hours to fix the problem. Had not intended to work until 7 pm. Oh well. I like working 12 hours a day.

And, for some reason, my new laptop is so fucked up I can't project on a projector (that started today, randomly) and items on menus in my installed applications just disappear and I can't get them to come back.

Oh, and my customer had to give me a license for Visio because I can't get one through my company and I need Visio for work I have to do this weekend. Really? My client is paying for my software licenses? I hate my company some times. Glad I have an interview on Wednesday.

The good news, I guess, is that I was given a Labs award from my company for a software integration I created in my spare time. They'll sell it for millions. I'm supposed to be happy because the award is very prestigious. They did give me some money for it. I'm going to use it to buy a sub zero under the counter refrigerator when I redo my kitchen in the summer.

No, seriously, I'm going to redo my kitchen.

I know I've been saying that for like 6 years but this time I'm not lying.

the rest of the pitch story

So on Sunday I sat down with the last person I had to pitch to. He's a senior editor for Random House. I could tell while I was doing my pitch that it was going well because he kept snickering (the pitch was supposed to be funny). After I finished he asked about my story arc. I had no idea what he was asking me but I must have answered the question correctly because he said he thought my book sounded exciting and that he thought it was an interesting project.

I liked that he called it a project.

So then I was sitting there not sure what to do so I said "Okay, I guess I'll go". He stood up, shook my hand, and gave me his card. I was like "Um, what should I do with this?" and he was like "send me your book!" Then he started laughing. He must think I'm a moron.

Anyway, I found out later from the group leader that instead of requesting just 5 pages or 20 pages he requested my whole book!

I sent it to him yesterday evening. This morning I got an email from him saying "got it, thanks!"

So if this fails it's because my writing sucks.

If he likes it the battle has just begun. If I sell him on the project he has to sell his senior management. Then they find me an agent. Then they have to convince a distributor to carry it. Editing the book can take 6 - 10 months. It's usually a year from the time the project is green lighted (which, on average, is four months from when the manu is requested) to publication. With lots of work in between.

Fingers crossed...

One of the women in my group started a facebook page for us. It's called Pitch Bitches.

day 4 - success!!!!!! sort of!

A senior editor from Random House requested MY WHOLE BOOK to read! Usually they just ask for 5 or 20 pages! And he said he's excited about what he's heard about my book!

Doesn't guarantee anything. Of 100 people read usually only 1 gets picked.

More later, the internet at my hotel is shit right now.