My Uncle Denny

My Uncle Denny and Aunt Carol are planning a drive by through Denver on their way home from picking up my cousin Andrea. Andrea works for the forest service and does things like jumping out of helicopters to tag elk. We've been emailing to figure out if I am going to be around when they come through.

My Uncle Denny is my godfather of sorts. We have a similar sense of humor. For my 9th birthday he gave me a Ouija board. For my 10th birthday he gave me Dungeons and Dragons, the first set ever made.

He also has a lot of good stories about farts. Sometimes when he's telling fart stories he farts. I laugh my ass off every time we hang out.

He has scars on his face from the time, when he was 10, that he decided to build a volcano. He and my mom lived in this plantation house in Louisville that took up an entire city block. It was haunted and had secret passages. One of my cousins wrote a book about the house called "The House on 3rd Street". Anyway, my uncle dug up a major part of the back yard and made this huge pile of dirt that was about 5 feet high. Then he dug out the core and put dynamite in the hole so his "volcano" would explode. The dynamite, as physics dictated, blew the dirt outward rather than exploding upward, at which point my uncle belated realized that standing next to the volcano was not a good idea.

I sent him an email today to let him know that I am going to be in Vancouver when he was initially planning on coming by. He sent me a response that started out: "Franki, What the hell are you doing in Vancouver ?" He then went on to make fun of my cousins who are referred to as the evil slacker twins in Boulder, and then he closed the email with "Love, Uncle Denny _everyone does".

Indeed...

The List

My perfect man qualifications:

• A good climber and who excels at other sports
• Older than me and established (i.e. not living out of his car)
• Owns a custom made pair of cowboy boots and understands shoes
• Can socialize across the spectrum
• Has a good set of friends
• Writes well and reads a lot
• Has a great music collection of stuff I haven't heard yet
• Has a background in the sciences and likes to talk about math and physics just in case I want to talk about, for example, small number theory or strange attractors
• Has good business sense
• Is not a water sign
• Is above average height
• Has a large dog or would get a large dog and name it Heshy the Knuckles because I've always wanted a dog called Heshy the Knuckles
• Can cook
• Eats sushi a lot
• Knows something about wine and will drink wine with me
• Will hold my hand in public
• Is not obsessed with porn
• Knows who the Little Prince is
• Has traveled extensively
• Has had one traumatic injury from which he's recovered
• Can do currency calculations so when we travel we don't get ripped off changing money
• Owns a tux and wears it at least once a year
• Has above average intelligence and an above average sense of humor
• Doesn't have to wear anything to correct his vision
• Has some interesting scars, especially on his hands
• Doesn't have any tattoos, but has his ear pierced
• Is not afraid of the water
• Does something for his community or gives money to charities
• Speaks at least one other language besides English
• Has an advanced degree but not a PhD
• Has the same taste in films as I do and doesn't make me watch shit movies (Transformers comes to mind)
• Writes romantic notes to me and sends me postcards
• Believes in recycling and rides his bike
• Will not sandbag me on a climb or if we are skiing
• Plays at least one musical instrument
• Has at least some Romanian blood
• Tells the long version of a story rather than the short version
• Only gossips with me
• Doesn't have kids or any weird drama with an ex
• Self effacing
• Can identify trees and birds
• Would take care of me if I were sick or injured and wouldn't complain or expect me to have sex with him until I was better
• Owns a Toyota truck
• Drinks yerba mate and coffee but doesn't put sugar in his coffee
• Has great teeth, which he brushes and flosses regularly
• Gives me records even though I don't have a record player
• Likes John Coltrane and going to listen to music
• Is a good photographer
• Wears flip flops when ever possible
• Is not financially irresponsible
• Has lips like Mick Jagger or Keith Richards
• Has an imperfect rib cage
• Doesn't get headaches or whine about being tired
• Knows how to shave with a straight edge razor
• Is president of at least one thing
• Is not easily intimidated

If you happen to find this creature, please send him to me ASAP...

Words of wisdom from Neil

Last night I was talking to my friend Neil and we were laughing about my latest romantic entanglements and he said something that I thought was very profound. He said that to even get started in a relationship takes so much, and if the situation is complicated chances are it won't work out.

He quoted the Springsteen song Tunnel of Love "ought to be easy, ought to be simple enough/man meets a woman and they fall in love". I started thinking about how all of my relationships have been more or less mitigated disasters, and how every one of them was so complex I found myself spending all of my time trying to figure out how to make the relationship work rather than enjoying the relationship.

There was my ex who lived in a different country and who couldn't ever seem to be in the same city as me no matter where we moved. The idiot mountaineer who would argue with me all the time because I refused to drop out of my master's program on the off chance he was home for a week. The guy who lived 1,200 miles away from me with kids who was going through a divorce and, even though he didn't really have a job, was busy doing other stuff, forcing me to drive up to New York every weekend to try to spend time with him. Etc.

None of these guys ever did anything to try to accommodate me or my schedule. Even with my recent relationship, I ended up making some less than beneficial career decisions to spend time with him. All of my efforts ended up being a waste since every one of those guys ended up with someone else.

From now on I'm keeping things simpliciter. No more guys with a shit ton of problems or inconvenient issues. I feel like I should have stocked up enough karma going out with some of the biggest ass pipes on the planet to find a good guy. Hopefully there's someone out there that can qualify.

I knew it was Monday before you told me...

In the interest of trying to make my backyard look better I decided to stain my deck and fence. I spent the past two days doing that and some other little carpentry projects. This summer we've only had a few days of rain, which happened to coincide with my dad's visit and our hiking. The stain required two days of drying during which it's not supposed to rain.

Last night, when I was standing on my patio, I noticed a breeze had kicked up and the sky was a weird kind of reddish color. This summer has been characterized by evening thunderstorms that never produce any precipitation so, though I felt a little uneasy, I assured myself that it wouldn't rain.

This morning I woke up at 430. It was raining.

Fucking rain. I wonder what will happen now.