I told you it would take your eye out

 Since a few of you have expressed interest in seeing my room service tray art...tonight's theme is "I told you it would take your eye out".

ITIL and dinosaurs

I'm just going to say it. So f*ing what if no one in this country pays taxes. Here's a perfect example of why I could never live here.

I scheduled to take my ITIL exam at an exam center here. I scheduled if for today even though I had a ton of other stuff to do this week and had only Thursday night and Friday to study (I logged 103 work hours this week).

Because I was afraid of being late, and wasn't sure where exactly the test center was (no street addresses here), and couldn't read the crap map on the web site, I called the test center and asked for the name of a close cross street (the testing center is on Zayed the 1st street, which is a long street). The moron I talked to gave me two names, but it was actually two different names for Zayed the 1st street, rather than the cross street. I had my driver talk to the idiot after I called him for the third time, and he found it for me. I told the driver I was nervous because I was taking an exam, and he shook his head and said "why would you take an exam with those guys who don't know where their building is?"

Point taken. And, for the record, the testing center is at a T, and rather than giving the driver the name of the street that Ts into their building, or the name of the huge BMW office across the street from the testing center, the moron at the test center told my driver the center was near a street 2 blocks away.

I got there right on time and went to sign in for the test. I waited for 10 minutes while a bunch of scurrying was going on behind the counter. Then a guy came up to me and said "Oh, your test was canceled. We are doing maintenance on the system today. I called your mobile to tell you but you did not answer." I was like "What do you mean you're doing maintenance when you've already charged me for the exam?" and they said "There were only 6 people doing exams today so we canceled them all, except for you who did not answer the phone."

I've been a little stressed out lately. And I was furious that after wasting my entire Friday studying I would not be able to take my exam. Because the rest of next week is so busy for me, it would be a full week before I could take the exam if I didn't take it today. And having that hanging over my head was not going to work.

I'll spare the gory details of what happened next. Suffice it to say, I got them to load up a computer so I could take the exam (after having to wait almost 45 minutes). Because the normal testing area was not available, I got stuck in this weird little room. It looked like a place where they give English exams or something. I was seated at a computer with a poster covered with dinosaurs on the wall behind. I had to sneak take this picture because I wasn't supposed to have my blackberry in the test area. The whole time I was taking my test I kept looking up at that t rex thinking "If I fail this thing because of that dinosaur poster I am going to be even more pissed than I already am".

The exam is supposed to take 1 hour. I did it in 10 minutes. The guy who was in the room watching to make sure I didn't cheat off of, I don't know, since I was the only one in there, the dinosaurs I guess, insisted that I couldn't possibly be done with the exam. He made me sit for another 10 minutes. I stared at the dinosaurs. Then, idiot me, I decided to review my answers. I changed two questions from the right answer to the wrong answer.

How do I know that? Because after the 10 minutes were up I submitted my answers. A half hour went by while the guy tried to figure out how to print my test results. When he was finally able to do that, drama building because it had now been 1/2 hour and I didn't know my score, he walked in and said "You got a 95%!" meaning I passed the exam. He then showed me how I had changed two answers and he said "why did you do that?" I felt like saying "because you made me sit here for 10 minutes with nothing to do but look at that scary dinosaur", but I didn't.

The guy at the front counter that I had yelled at until he set up the test for me shook his hand and said "I did not know a woman could get such a grade on a test". It was not the first time in the hour that had passed that I wanted to punch him. But I didn't.

if you want them to care about zombies, throw in George Clooney

On Thursday, the last day of the class I was teaching, my customer wanted to work through a "real world" scenario to make sure they understood everything they learned in the class, since they'll have to do it in real life.

Normally I use a missile example when I do a workshop. A missile has been fired at a friendly ship, and the missile on the friendly ship has to intercept and destroy it before it hits. However, given the current climate here, where the locals aren't feeling too friendly towards the US because of all of the stuff going on, especially with Israel (full disclosure - I'm on their side), I decided it was best to make up a scenario.

Also, the scenario had to be entertaining. These guys lose focus quicker than a 4 year old with ADD. So I came up with this: we were from a country called Kanukistan, going to an island called Arlandia that, because of a scientist's experiment gone wrong, had recently been taken over by zombies. Worse, a few of the zombies stole a navy boat that had a missile. We had to destroy the zombies to get to the island and save the scientist.


While a few of the officers seemed vaguely interested in my scenario, one of them said "who cares about the scientist? why should we rescue him?" Everyone in the class agreed. Granted, this was after 4 days of intense 10 hour training days. The last day is always the worst because everyone is tired.


"Well," I said. "I forgot to mention something. George Clooney is on the island. He went there on vacation." The officers were now paying attention again. "If we don't finish this exercise by 2:30, he's going to be turned into a zombie." I drew this picture, prompting one of my students to comment "it's a good thing you decided to be an engineer and not an artist".

That, for some reason, was a good reason to work on the project. For the rest of the day, until 430 actually, we worked on the exercise. Which was kind of funny because people were saying things like "would the zombies have a missile with more capabilities than ours?" At one point the photog who took our pictures came in to thank us again (and to buy us lunch again). He asked what exactly we were doing since we were talking about missiles and zombies and had the above picture taped in a prominent place on the wall over some marketing poster.

One of the officers explained we had to save George Clooney by 2:30 otherwise he would turn into a zombie and that some zombies had commandeered a ship with a missile that they were going to fire at us. The photog looked at me and said "Um, what class is this that you're teaching?"

Here's what the picture looked like after we modeled it. Notice the blood coming out of the zombies' mouths. That was added by one of the officers. I am saddened to report that we didn't say George Clooney by 230, but the exercise finally finished up by 430 and I was able to meet my customer for happy hour.

And I'm going to bet that none of those officers will forget taking a class with me.

say cheese

Well, I just finished recording this presentation I had to do for DoDAF 2.0, and now all I have to do by saturday is study for and take my ITIL exam (Saturday morning is D day) and finish up some software testing. Hopefully I won't be working until 10 o'clock at night every night in July.

So a weird thing happened to me today. I'm teaching a class at my company's site (while still trying to do 8 hours of work on my other project and manage it). The class is all emirates. The class is going surprisingly well considering all the cultural issues. They are even laughing at my jokes and trying to use some slang. Today one of my students told me that if I cheered him up he would eat one more slice of pizza (we had pizza delivered for lunch because if I let them go on breaks they don't always come back). I realized after a few minutes he meant for me to cheer him on. I had initially thought he was depressed and couldn't eat.

Anyway, I was in the middle of a heated discussion about meta models when this weird looking white guy came into my room with a camera and asked if he could take my picture. I thought it was a joke, but decided to play along, so I said "sure you can take my picture". Then he asked the emiratis if it was okay (they don't like to be photographed). They agreed but said he had to shoot the picture from the back so no one could see their faces. And then they all turned around to look at me and started making faces at me.

The photog said "do something dramatic" so I pretended that the white board easel was falling on me. He said "no, do something dramatic as you're teaching". It turns out he was hired to take pictures of the training facility for some brochure and picked me over the other instructor, who looks like a troll, to be the "action" picture.

I stood there, not sure what to do, and trying to to look at my students who were still making faces at me. The photog said "just start teaching again and I'll take some shots when you don't expect it". Great. There will probably be a picture of me doing something retarded on a brochure that's being distributed throughout the middle east.

So I started teaching again and, as he looked at my profile, the photog suddenly said "hey, do you want to comb your hair before I take this?" Everyone started laughing because we had 90% humidity today, and it was insanely hot, so my hair looks like I've been living in the forest for the past 5 years. It was curling and sticking straight out from my head. I was really embarrassed but also kind of pissed so I said "I'm not going to comb my hair for your picture. Why don't you pretend to be the instructor and I'll take the picture?"

I started trying to teach again but my students decided that this would be a perfect time to ask me a bunch of embarrassing questions. One asked "if you meet a nice guy, do you talk about meta models, because that's not sexy?" Another said "didn't you wear that shirt yesterday?" (in fact I had, I've been so busy I've had no time to drop off or pick up laundry). Then another said "how come your hair is so fat?" which made me laugh, and the stupid photog took the picture. It will be hideous.


Because we cooperated the photog offered to buy us lunch tomorrow. He asked what we wanted. My favorite student, M, said "lobsters", but he said it like he was requesting a sandwich. The photog said "hm, um, I was thinking more like pizza". A round of boos from the class. So the photog said "well what did you have for lunch today?" and M said "lobsters". Everyone started saying ridiculous things like they wanted food from this expensive 5 star restaurant.



God only knows what we'll end up with.


As the photog was exiting my class I said "wait, don't leave! they're picking on you now instead of me!" and he said "I'm sure you can handle yourself around these guys". Which might have appeared to be the truth from the back of the room, but seemed less apparent from the front of the room.