One animal I forgot to mention in my zoo is the bad graveyard bunny. This bunny is pretty large as bunnies go. And he might have rabies or something. As I’ve been walking through the grave yard in the evening (there’s basically a quarter mile track around all the graves) the bunny runs in front of me and does very destructive things.
Because of the upcoming holiday most of the graves have flowers on them. The bunny likes to jump into the flowers, knocking them over. I try to not laugh because I don’t want to encourage him, but yesterday he jumped into the leg of a tripod flower arrangement and sent the thing tumbling into two other flower arrangements, causing this kind of daffodil domino effect.
I know he had to have done that on purpose. Even if he is in dire need of bunny spectacles there’s NO WAY he could have not seen that arrangement. It was gargantuan. In the hour I was wandering the graveyard he knocked that over, two vase arrangements, jumped over a low bench and I’m pretty sure pooped on it, and then he ate some of a nice bushy kind of arrangement. I saw him eating it and asked him if he was allowed to do that and he gave me this look like "what are you going to do about it even if I’m NOT supposed to be eating this?" I felt like telling him that I used to eat rabbits so he better watch his attitude around me, but didn’t bother because those types of bunnies never listen.
Speaking of arrangements, while we are on the subject, some people put strange things on their graves. One person that’s there has a flag on her grave that has a picture of one of those small annoying dogs with a hairy face and a bow on its head. I didn’t even know you could buy a flag with a dog on it. Nor did I know that people put flags on their graves.
If someone ever made a grave for me I hope they will put a pirate flag on it. I however, will not be there, as I plan to be elsewhere. Being buried is not great for the environment.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The "unofficial" King George, VA Zoo
Never heard of King George, VA? That's not too shocking. The town has about 200 residents, most of whom are stray dogs. My "hotel" also is the town's trailer park, grocery, and, I am not making this up, grave yard. The closest restaurant is The King of Pizza (having had it, I would postulate that is an exaggeration unless they are referring to just this county).
To entertain myself, which has not been easy since there's no gym and the only place to walk is in the graveyard, or down the side of Rt 301, I have created a little zoo that I like to visit every day. It's unofficial, but fun, if you ever find yourself in King George VA:
First, walk past the rusted Mercedes with no wheels, and past the grills laying in the grass, to the office, which is actually just a room with lock boxes that contain room keys. When you check into the hotel you have to call a special number and a guy reads you the combo and then takes hits off his bong while you try to open the lock box, saying things like "yeah dude, just turn it slow". Around the door to this office you will find Dusty Cat, a species of cat known for giving off clouds of dust when it fluffs its tail and runs away from you. Besides dust, this species can be identified by its singular ear.
Walk down the drive way onto the highway. As you walk in the gravel break down lane you will encounter the bush bees, bees that collect together in a swarm on a bush. They only leave the bush to chase people like you who are walking by.
A half mile from the bush bees is the electri-dog. The electri-dog has an electric collar, and lives in a trailer park habitat. It is known for lunging furiously at visitors to the zoo and then falling on the ground and wiping its face with its paws as it gets the shit shocked out of it.
Empty pig is the next animal on our tour. Empty pig is a big white pig on top of Crazy Ray's Ribs, which may or may not be closed, it's hard to tell.
Finally, as you cross the highway and head back to the hotel, look for the venemous black strap snake laying on the side of the highway. It looks like a snake, though in reality it's really just a strap that was blowing around from the air currents generated by all the trucks. But, it could have been a snake.
Finally, encounter that truck babboon, hanging out the window and cat calling as you pick your way up the Woodside Inn driveway.
Thanks for visiting the zoo. Please don't feed the animals.
To entertain myself, which has not been easy since there's no gym and the only place to walk is in the graveyard, or down the side of Rt 301, I have created a little zoo that I like to visit every day. It's unofficial, but fun, if you ever find yourself in King George VA:
First, walk past the rusted Mercedes with no wheels, and past the grills laying in the grass, to the office, which is actually just a room with lock boxes that contain room keys. When you check into the hotel you have to call a special number and a guy reads you the combo and then takes hits off his bong while you try to open the lock box, saying things like "yeah dude, just turn it slow". Around the door to this office you will find Dusty Cat, a species of cat known for giving off clouds of dust when it fluffs its tail and runs away from you. Besides dust, this species can be identified by its singular ear.
Walk down the drive way onto the highway. As you walk in the gravel break down lane you will encounter the bush bees, bees that collect together in a swarm on a bush. They only leave the bush to chase people like you who are walking by.
A half mile from the bush bees is the electri-dog. The electri-dog has an electric collar, and lives in a trailer park habitat. It is known for lunging furiously at visitors to the zoo and then falling on the ground and wiping its face with its paws as it gets the shit shocked out of it.
Empty pig is the next animal on our tour. Empty pig is a big white pig on top of Crazy Ray's Ribs, which may or may not be closed, it's hard to tell.
Finally, as you cross the highway and head back to the hotel, look for the venemous black strap snake laying on the side of the highway. It looks like a snake, though in reality it's really just a strap that was blowing around from the air currents generated by all the trucks. But, it could have been a snake.
Finally, encounter that truck babboon, hanging out the window and cat calling as you pick your way up the Woodside Inn driveway.
Thanks for visiting the zoo. Please don't feed the animals.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Women - Stop Being Bitches
Today I find myself wondering why women are such assholes.
I’m in my fourth week of dealing with professional, or should I say “professional” women. Normally, thank Allah, my job is done by men so I usually don't have to deal with members of my own sex. Also, up until a month ago, the women I ran into in my job were more like me (of the successful women I met who do architecture, not a SINGLE one had a spouse that had a job - not a SINGLE working husband among the lot).
I spent two weeks working for a woman who was an idiot. My favorite thing she did was call a meeting without informing me, blindsided me as I was trying to get my code done by saying "we have a conference call with everyone in 5 minutes" (thanks for giving me some prep time!), and then, when everyone had joined the call, she announced "I haven't seen any of the code so if this is wrong it's not my fault." Really bitch? Weren't you the one giving me the requirements???
This woman also purposely withheld information from me until the second to last day of my consulting gig, and that required me to pull an all nighter to completely restructure my code so that I could do a presentation the next day for her three bosses, all of whom are VPs. I wanted to kick her in the cunt for that. There I was, for two weeks, putting in twelve hour days including working the weekend, and she couldn’t even give the most basic professional courtesty by providing me with the information I needed to do my job.
And then she had the balls to start crying when I confronted her about withholding information. And I did it nicely, when I was tired from a long run, so I would be able to control the urge to slap her. The entire project was almost ruined because she was so stupid.
Then, last week, I was teaching a class and got into a confrontation with a woman in the class about her project. She made a bad engineering decision, and rather than deciding to correct when her team realized she had made a bad decision based on an example I gave in my class, she decided to attack me instead. Personally and in a passive aggressive fashion. She is lucky, as she stage whispered shit to her embarrassed male colleague, that I don't kill clients that pay me. Her fatal error was when she made a blatantly false statement about a technical standard, and when I pulled the standard up on my laptop and said "Show me where it says that" she picked up her stuff and ran out of the room crying. This woman was in her 40s. It was sad.
I then sent her an email that night saying I would be willing to discuss her point further if she thought it might help. She was a dumb bitch but I was trying to be nice. She didn't even respond back to my email, and sent a male colleague to my class the next day to tell me she wasn't coming back to class and that I didn't need to contact her again. I am embarrassed for her, and feel bad that her coping skills are to act like a pussy.
Ladies, do you really think that kind of behavior is going to get you equal pay with a male colleague? Do you think it's going to help your career to try to fuck over every other professional woman you encounter?
This week in class I got a blonde bimbo who is obviously fucking the program manager, who has made it his mission to get some "after class tutoring" with me. He's divorced. Since he has been asking me questions at break and after class about WORK, she has been disrupting my class by talking loudly, making jokes, complaining about how the software tool that I'm using to teach the class is unuseable (that's right honey, because it requires intelligence), and has been flirting with every other guy in the class, one would assume to make the PM jealous. The guy who set up the class is thinking about removing her because other students are complaining about her behavior.
For the record, I don't fuck redneck guys from small towns that aren't smart. Especially when they are shorter than me. And have a beer gut.
Here's what would be nice: for you, as a woman, to get a fucking REAL education. Don't skate through school getting some bullshit liberal arts degree. Don't take a job in a tech environment if you can't handle it. Stop running off to have a baby every time the going gets tough for you.
You think you're the first woman treated badly because of your chromosomes? Trust me, you are not. And yes, you're going to get hit on, lose your boyfriend because he can't handle a woman that is smarter than he is or makes more money than he does, you are going to pull all nighters for your customer, and they are going to complain because your company sent a female consultant instead of a male consultant and that's life.
And you keep doing your job because you love it. And you aren't going to let some asshole stop you.
Even when that asshole should be supporting you because she's in the same boat. So women, please, stop acting like fuck nuts. Help a sister out.
I’m in my fourth week of dealing with professional, or should I say “professional” women. Normally, thank Allah, my job is done by men so I usually don't have to deal with members of my own sex. Also, up until a month ago, the women I ran into in my job were more like me (of the successful women I met who do architecture, not a SINGLE one had a spouse that had a job - not a SINGLE working husband among the lot).
I spent two weeks working for a woman who was an idiot. My favorite thing she did was call a meeting without informing me, blindsided me as I was trying to get my code done by saying "we have a conference call with everyone in 5 minutes" (thanks for giving me some prep time!), and then, when everyone had joined the call, she announced "I haven't seen any of the code so if this is wrong it's not my fault." Really bitch? Weren't you the one giving me the requirements???
This woman also purposely withheld information from me until the second to last day of my consulting gig, and that required me to pull an all nighter to completely restructure my code so that I could do a presentation the next day for her three bosses, all of whom are VPs. I wanted to kick her in the cunt for that. There I was, for two weeks, putting in twelve hour days including working the weekend, and she couldn’t even give the most basic professional courtesty by providing me with the information I needed to do my job.
And then she had the balls to start crying when I confronted her about withholding information. And I did it nicely, when I was tired from a long run, so I would be able to control the urge to slap her. The entire project was almost ruined because she was so stupid.
Then, last week, I was teaching a class and got into a confrontation with a woman in the class about her project. She made a bad engineering decision, and rather than deciding to correct when her team realized she had made a bad decision based on an example I gave in my class, she decided to attack me instead. Personally and in a passive aggressive fashion. She is lucky, as she stage whispered shit to her embarrassed male colleague, that I don't kill clients that pay me. Her fatal error was when she made a blatantly false statement about a technical standard, and when I pulled the standard up on my laptop and said "Show me where it says that" she picked up her stuff and ran out of the room crying. This woman was in her 40s. It was sad.
I then sent her an email that night saying I would be willing to discuss her point further if she thought it might help. She was a dumb bitch but I was trying to be nice. She didn't even respond back to my email, and sent a male colleague to my class the next day to tell me she wasn't coming back to class and that I didn't need to contact her again. I am embarrassed for her, and feel bad that her coping skills are to act like a pussy.
Ladies, do you really think that kind of behavior is going to get you equal pay with a male colleague? Do you think it's going to help your career to try to fuck over every other professional woman you encounter?
This week in class I got a blonde bimbo who is obviously fucking the program manager, who has made it his mission to get some "after class tutoring" with me. He's divorced. Since he has been asking me questions at break and after class about WORK, she has been disrupting my class by talking loudly, making jokes, complaining about how the software tool that I'm using to teach the class is unuseable (that's right honey, because it requires intelligence), and has been flirting with every other guy in the class, one would assume to make the PM jealous. The guy who set up the class is thinking about removing her because other students are complaining about her behavior.
For the record, I don't fuck redneck guys from small towns that aren't smart. Especially when they are shorter than me. And have a beer gut.
Here's what would be nice: for you, as a woman, to get a fucking REAL education. Don't skate through school getting some bullshit liberal arts degree. Don't take a job in a tech environment if you can't handle it. Stop running off to have a baby every time the going gets tough for you.
You think you're the first woman treated badly because of your chromosomes? Trust me, you are not. And yes, you're going to get hit on, lose your boyfriend because he can't handle a woman that is smarter than he is or makes more money than he does, you are going to pull all nighters for your customer, and they are going to complain because your company sent a female consultant instead of a male consultant and that's life.
And you keep doing your job because you love it. And you aren't going to let some asshole stop you.
Even when that asshole should be supporting you because she's in the same boat. So women, please, stop acting like fuck nuts. Help a sister out.
Expressions I Dislike
"What ever floats your boat" - What exactly is that supposed to mean? That something besides water can float a boat? What's the visual I'm supposed to get when someone says this? A boat floating in outer space waiting for something (jello, money, candy corn) to gather around it and hold it up? It has appalling alliterative qualities. Say it while looking in the mirror. Look at the way your mouth forms around the long O. Yeah, you look like an idiot.
"Getting a bite to eat" or worse "Getting a bite" - My prejudice against people who use this expression always seems to bear out. For example, I was recently invited on a date "to get a bite" by a man who failed to mention until 5 minutes after the date was underway, that he had giardia (AKA horrible diarrhea), meaning I sat at a table in the restaurant by myself, with people staring as my date rushed to the bathroom every 10 minutes, for most of the "date". Which is not to say explosive diarrhea is a bad quality, but the guy didn't have much else going for him, except that he was super rich. He told me I was "over educated" and that "most guys don't see that as a positive thing". Really fucknut? Because, I'm not the one who was so stupid I drank some water I shouldn't have and got giardia. Maybe you wouldn't be shitting your brains out all day if you were smart enough to have known the water wasn't safe.
"Shut up!" - This is an East Coast girl thing I think. I dislike it immensely when I am telling someone a good story (e.g. "So, last night I had a date with a guy who had explosive diarrhea") and I'm interrupted with the exclamation "Shut up!" I often fantasize about slapping the utterer across the face and then waiting to see what will happen next.
"Toodles" - Guys seem to say this to me. I have no idea why. How can you purport to be straight and say such a thing?
"Getting a bite to eat" or worse "Getting a bite" - My prejudice against people who use this expression always seems to bear out. For example, I was recently invited on a date "to get a bite" by a man who failed to mention until 5 minutes after the date was underway, that he had giardia (AKA horrible diarrhea), meaning I sat at a table in the restaurant by myself, with people staring as my date rushed to the bathroom every 10 minutes, for most of the "date". Which is not to say explosive diarrhea is a bad quality, but the guy didn't have much else going for him, except that he was super rich. He told me I was "over educated" and that "most guys don't see that as a positive thing". Really fucknut? Because, I'm not the one who was so stupid I drank some water I shouldn't have and got giardia. Maybe you wouldn't be shitting your brains out all day if you were smart enough to have known the water wasn't safe.
"Shut up!" - This is an East Coast girl thing I think. I dislike it immensely when I am telling someone a good story (e.g. "So, last night I had a date with a guy who had explosive diarrhea") and I'm interrupted with the exclamation "Shut up!" I often fantasize about slapping the utterer across the face and then waiting to see what will happen next.
"Toodles" - Guys seem to say this to me. I have no idea why. How can you purport to be straight and say such a thing?
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