Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Expressions I Dislike

"What ever floats your boat" - What exactly is that supposed to mean? That something besides water can float a boat? What's the visual I'm supposed to get when someone says this? A boat floating in outer space waiting for something (jello, money, candy corn) to gather around it and hold it up? It has appalling alliterative qualities. Say it while looking in the mirror. Look at the way your mouth forms around the long O. Yeah, you look like an idiot.

"Getting a bite to eat" or worse "Getting a bite" - My prejudice against people who use this expression always seems to bear out. For example, I was recently invited on a date "to get a bite" by a man who failed to mention until 5 minutes after the date was underway, that he had giardia (AKA horrible diarrhea), meaning I sat at a table in the restaurant by myself, with people staring as my date rushed to the bathroom every 10 minutes, for most of the "date". Which is not to say explosive diarrhea is a bad quality, but the guy didn't have much else going for him, except that he was super rich. He told me I was "over educated" and that "most guys don't see that as a positive thing". Really fucknut? Because, I'm not the one who was so stupid I drank some water I shouldn't have and got giardia. Maybe you wouldn't be shitting your brains out all day if you were smart enough to have known the water wasn't safe.

"Shut up!" - This is an East Coast girl thing I think. I dislike it immensely when I am telling someone a good story (e.g. "So, last night I had a date with a guy who had explosive diarrhea") and I'm interrupted with the exclamation "Shut up!" I often fantasize about slapping the utterer across the face and then waiting to see what will happen next.

"Toodles" - Guys seem to say this to me. I have no idea why. How can you purport to be straight and say such a thing?

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