maybe I should let my cacti watch tv

I'm getting really worried about my cacti. Something seems to be wrong with them.

I got my first two cacti 3 years ago. My dad bought them for me because, he said, "even you can't kill them". Unfortunately, a year later, one of the cacti, Natski, died. But Michel lived on, and seemed to flourish. Except, I could tell he was lonely. So I bought him some friends.

Everything was fine for a while, but then, last spring, Michel, who was orange, started to take on a pink hue similar to the color Natski was. I wondered if he was still grieving about her. But he appeared happy with his friends. Then I gave my cacti to Joe while I was in the middle east. Shortly after Joe started bringing skanky bitches home (I'm just kidding, I'm sure they were nice girls even if they did work as strippers), Michel died.

I can't bring myself to throw him away. But then, after arriving home, some of the other cacti started to have problems. St. David Thornstein developed a serious posture problem. Is that normal? Could he have scoliosis? Maybe he needs a bigger pot? Or maybe he's sad because I put him next to a dead cactus. Though, he and Michel were good friends before Michel died.


(St. David Thornstein with Michel)

Just in case SDT was depressed about Michel, I moved him next to Tammy Faye Cactus and Ernie. Then, one of Ernie's um, branches? cactus arms? fell off, as did his flower. Foucault seems to be doing okay, and Tammy Faye appears as happy as ever. I just worry about the three guys. I'm experimenting with different configurations to see if it's just a group dynamics problem. And I put Ernie over by Side Show Bob (my aloe plant) so I could give the other cacti a pep talk and to make sure they knew it was NOT okay to make fun of Ernie since his arm fell off.

Maybe I should put Ernie and Pascal together. Pascal is a tough little cactus, but he's nicer than Foucault (not everyone is into homosexual sadism), and he believes in medical miracles as well as embracing his frivolous side. I think he may be a more positive influence although I don't know if putting Tammy Faye and Pascal together is a good idea. Ernie might end up being super religious. Then he'll fight with St. David Thornstein.


(Tammy Faye Cactus, Foucault, Pascal, and Ernie)

I read an article about a guy named Jonathon Keats who is actually being paid to create tv shows for plants that show the sky of different locations around the world. Among other reasons he thinks that's a good idea is because "plants can't travel". He previously created a video showing bees pollinating plants, and called it plant pornography. He is unsure if his videos are manipulating the plants or not.

I don't know if plant tv or plant pornography is the answer to my cacti problem. Maybe they're jealous that I had two cacti in the UAE, so I won't talk about those cacti anymore and I'm going to take their pictures off the refrigerator. And I should go back to playing John Coltrane during the day when I'm working.

I'm just not sure I want to expose my darling cacti to porn or tv. Which, really, is the same thing, isn't it?

love and genetics

The other week I was hanging out with some other consultants and we had a discussion about love and monogamy. I always start that discussion with any married person I know just because I like to see what people think about the topic.

Recently, based on some guy research and information, I decided that it's impossible for a guy to be in a monogamous relationship, and that women shouldn't take it personally when men cheat on them because men aren't capable of having the same emotional commitment to a relationship that women do, mostly because they will never have to push a person out of their vagina so they don't really get love. They don't understand the emotional implication of sleeping with someone else and that's why they do it.

But then I was talking to Texas, one of my favorite consultants. Well, my favorite now that my italian requirements partner has flown the coop. He got married when he was 19. He's still as in love with his wife as he was when he met her. You can tell by the way he talks about her. He's not one of those guys constantly on the phone or whatever with her or needing to talk to her for every decision (you know, the guy that you look at and are like "whipped, wimp, what are you a woman"). His wife was diagnosed with MS and he's doing everything he can to take care of her too, so it's not like she's totally perfect and therefore easy to love.

I asked him why his marriage has been so successful and how he is still in love with his wife after a billion years of marriage. He said "you have to stick together even when one of you doesn't like the other one, or when you both don't like each other". I asked him how did he do that. He looked at me like I was an idiot and he said "because you love each other and you want it to work out".

So I started wondering if it's the person that is willing to put in the effort to stick it out or is it the person that they are in a relationship with that makes them stick it out. For example, if I were married to NDGT would I stay with him because I'm that kind of person or because I think NDGT is the coolest guy ever? For the record, I think he's married, and I'm not trying to insult his wife. I've been watching my favorite universe again and I just love it when he talks about binary stars. I think NDGT is possibly one of the coolest people on the planet. Besides me, of course. I wish he would invite me over for dinner some night so we could have a conversation somewhere else besides in my head.

Um...where was I...

Oh yeah. So, if anyone knows the answer to my question, can you please post it as a comment. I'm curious.

I once dated a guy who was completely loyal to his wife even after he found out she was having an affair. Finally, though, he couldn't take it anymore and gave her an ultimatum: either dump the affair guy or he was going to leave. She refused to end the affair so he left. I wasn't sure about dating the guy, but everyone kept telling me how loyal and whatever he was.

But, within 3 months of our relationship, he slept with someone else. And sent me an email about it. Like I was supposed to be proud of him. Anyway, shortly afterward the relationship rolled off the proverbial cliff.

I've always wondered if he was an asshole or if he just didn't like me as much as he liked his ex-wife.

trust issues

I'm still really pissed about something that happened with one of my colleagues. I wish I could beat him up, but I can't.

I was training him on my software, and he had the wrong version on his laptop. Since there is limited backwards compatibility, I had him work on an assignment on my computer. He started the assignment and I went outside to smoke a cigarette.

Ten minutes later I came back. The whole time I was smoking I had an uneasy feeling about leaving him on my computer unattended. But, I tend to trust people. I let some kid I barely knew live in my house for free. I let another kid I didn't know stay in my house while I was on vacation with my dad (he was a student in Denver for the DNC). I've only had a few problems. I want to trust people.

Anyway, I told him that I would give him a copy of the new software version so he could work on his own machine. He handed me a USB drive. Normally I just click on the file to be copied and say send it to the USB drive because I don't get into people's personal stuff, and wouldn't look at files on a USB drive. But this time I had to because there wasn't enough room on the USB drive for the software. I asked my colleague what I should do and he told me to delete the recycle bin.

Just out of habit I opened the recycle bin to make sure I wasn't permanently deleting files the customer gave to my colleague that I didn't have a copy of. Imagine my surprise when I found a bunch of MY files from a folder on my computer called "personal". The files included bank statements I had downloaded for my taxes as well as my W-2.

I was like I don't fucking believe this. I wiped out everything on the USB and copied the software. Then my colleague started talking about how he encrypts everything on his computer so no one can steal it. I thought that was strange. I made a comment about people stealing files and how it sucks that you can't trust anyone. I really wanted to confront him and then punch him in the face. The circumstances, not worth explaining here, prevented that.

Now I wonder what I should have done. How could someone do that, and worse, how could a supposed colleague of mine do that?

Some people really, really suck.

stupid babies

Along with many other issues I have with Delta, I am tired of their moronic assignment of seats.

If an airline won't ban kids under 5 so that the rest of us don't have to listen to them screaming and crying during a long flight, at least they could put all the kids in one place on the plane, preferably as far away from me as possible. And all of us business travelers should get the front of the plane, because we don't take 5 minutes to pull our luggage out of the overhead bin once the plane door is open.

But no. Delta does stupid shit like always putting me next to the mom carrying an infant on her lap. And then they put her in the middle seat. Like yesterday, when I was flying home from Montreal.

I was approaching my seat, which was towards the back of the plane, and could hear a baby crying. I was like why me god? There was the infant and mom, in the middle seat in my row. I don't exactly have a poker face so I'm sure the mom knew I was NOT happy. Meanwhile the rest of the plane had a lot of empty middle seats. So this mom could have had two seats, but instead they crammed her in with me and a fat woman who was at the window. I asked the steward to move me to a middle seat, but none of the fucks who had an empty seat between them would agree to let me sit there. I was like they didn't pay for that seat so why should they get to decide if I sit there, and the steward said "because those empty middle seats are not your assigned seat". Are you fucking kidding me?

I tried to put myself in a happy place as the plane was being de-iced. The kid was flailing around, dripping goo on me and grabbing my burberry scarf. I closed my eyes and pretended I wasn't there. The fat woman at the window said "If you need room you can put your baby's feet on my lap. I don't mind. I have 5 children of my own." The mom mumbled something, and the fat lady said "Well, some people don't have children, so they don't know how to act."

I was like FUCK YOU. This is a PLANE, NOT a nursery. I work long hours, and spend a lot of time on planes. I am NOT there to entertain a 10 month old for 5 hours. I am there to sleep because I'm tired.

Then the fat woman pointed out the baby had thrush, which is some kind of rash. She warned the mom to be careful touching the baby spit because it can spread. I was like great, since the baby had drooled all over my hand. Then the mom mentioned the baby was getting over a cough and earache. Like I can afford to get sick. If I was hit by a car my clients would still be calling me like "can you come over and fix our software even though you are immobilized from the neck down?"

I luckily just bought new noise canceling ear buds and was listening to my stop smoking CDs. Suddenly I realized my row smelled like a toilet. The mom, who was sitting half in my seat anyway, with the thrush covered baby's head resting on my leg, tapped me rather hard, and rudely, with her finger.

I took out my ear bud. She proceeded to ask me if I would stand up so she could change her baby's diaper on my seat. I said "there's changing rooms in the plane bathroom". She got pissed and called over the steward. He told her "we want you to do that in the bathroom". I think he felt sorry that he hadn't let me change seats.

I am absolutely disgusted by people who change their baby on a seat plane. How would they like it if I took a shit on their seat? It's a plane, not a trailer park. And you can get diseases from shit. For fuck's sake people.

She changed the baby 2 more times after that. I guess his cold had moved to his ass. She spilled a bottle of baby goo all over my coach purse. I wiped it off without saying anything. Then she sat the baby facing forward and propped a People magazine on his head and proceeded to read it as he reached over into my seat back and ripped up my new yorker. I had already read it, but she didn't know that. She didn't say a word. I was even more pissed. Yeah, I'm not helpful, but she's a great mom for using her kid's head as a book stand.

Our flight circled DEN for an extra hour because of the storm yesterday. I was ready to scream. No one would have noticed because the baby was screaming. Finally we landed and as soon as the seat belt sign was off I got up and into the aisle. I had been on planes for over 9 hours by that point. I wanted to go home.

I leaned over and asked the mom if I could get anything out of the overhead bin for her. I always do that when I have the aisle seat. The fat woman said "oh, now she's being helpful". I looked at her and said "I'm right here, so if you have something to say, say it to me." Everyone turned around to see what was going to happen. I was not the only person on the plane who had been annoyed by the baby crying.

The fat woman didn't say anything to me. Instead she turned to the mom and said "let me give you my phone number". Fucking freak.

For the record, I have helped many moms trying to get their luggage and kids to their cars or get their luggage off the baggage claim. I've carried their shit down the plane ramp and moved to a shit seat so all the parents and kids could sit together. I just don't understand why anyone would fly with a sick kid. And why anyone would fly with a kid and not get a fucking seat for aforementioned kid. I didn't volunteer to give up half my seat. She just took it. And assumed I'd be okay listening to her kid screaming. When you're a parent you get used to that shit. For everyone else, it's hard.

Please. Stop flying with your kids if you can't control them. Don't change your kids on the seat. And don't assume everyone else cares that junior is having a bad day. Believe me, people just want him to shut the fuck up.

Thus ends the tirade. I feel better now.

attack of the zombie cats

I had the worst dream last night.

In the dream I was walking through the village of Copacabana, on the shore of Lake Titicaca. I was looking for something, but I don't know what it was.

I went down a narrow street and was confronted by a growling cat that was bloody and disfigured. I threw a rock at it and it ran away. But suddenly there were more cats, all grotesque and with huge chunks of fur missing. They started biting me. I had to kick them and stomp on their heads to kill them. One of the cats wouldn't die so I stepped on its chest and the cat's body burst open and I could see its rib cage and still beating heart.

I looked at my legs and arms, which were covered in bite marks and blood. I started to worry that I was going to turn into a zombie because I was bitten by zombie cats. I wondered if I was going to die.

Then I woke up. I have no idea what that dream was supposed to mean.

biodome and insects

Yesterday I went to the biodome (which was built for the olympics here, and took 20 years to pay off) and the insectarium, which is the largest collection in the world of insects.

The day started off rather challenging. I was going to walk to the biodome but was told it was too far and that I should take the metro. So I went to the metro and spent 10 minutes trying to read the directions in french for buying a ticket. I couldn't get the machine to work so I went to a kiosk. The woman sent me to another kiosk across the metro station. I walked over with my little subway map and said, to the woman in the kiosk, "I'm going to the Viau stop". She pointed to a stairway and said "it's down there". I was like "that's great, but how do I buy a ticket?" and she said "you buy it here".

We stared at each other for a few minutes, and then I said "well, where do I buy a ticket?" She got all excited and said "here, of course!" I was like why the fuck didn't you give me a ticket to begin with? I got an all day ticket, and it's a scratch off affair with the day, month, and year. Then I tried to put the ticket in the ticket slot at the turnstile. It didn't fit. So I went back to the kiosk and asked what I was supposed to do. The woman said "Show the ticket to me, and I open the turnstile." I stood there for a few minutes while she examined the exact same ticket she had issued me. She finally let me through.

I went to the biodome first. It was interesting but way too crowded. There were so many people with baby carriages that you couldn't get close to anything. I watched the penguins for a while. One pushed another one into the water. That was funny.

Then I set out to find the insectarium. Everyone said it was close to the biodome. Close, in relative terms. I had to walk through a park to get there. Then this woman yelled at me because I bypassed the ticket line (I already had a ticket). She stopped me and said "where are you going?" I was like "to see the insects". She said "do you see this line?" I said "the line of people to buy tickets?" and she said "yes". I said "if I have to wait in that line (which was really long) that defeats the purpose of buying a ticket in advance, doesn't it?" She said "I don't understand you" and waved me through. Everyone else was getting a stamp on their hand, but she didn't give me one.

Again, the insectarium was way too crowded. All the displays were set up for kids so I had to lean over to look at stuff, which was hard considering how many kids were there. My favorite thing was either the bug that looked like a branch or this orange and black tarantula. It was really bright orange.

Today I walked around old town Montreal. I went down there for dinner on Wednesday, and then a guy was shot the next day in front of the restaurant I went to. It was a mafia hit. The mafia is pretty active here, and everyone blames the US/New York.

Whatever.

I head home on Tuesday, and hope it has stopped snowing here by then. It's weird being in cold weather after the UAE.

Canada, what's up with that?

So, honey cigarettes? What's up with that? Why would anyone except a canadian put honey in a cigarette?

The queen? What's up with that? I bet you didn't even know Canada had a queen. She's the grand daughter of a slave. I'm not sure how she became queen, or what she does, but Canada has a queen.

Why do they have a queen, you may be asking. Because Canada, as it turns out, is still part of the british empire or some shit like that. Britain doesn't get to tell them what to do anymore, but their queen talks to Canada's queen. Crazy, I know. It explains the weird spellings of everything here.