in the interest of keeping the reading public happy

No more comment moderation. Please spell check your comments and don't write anything that will make you appear too insane.

And, I washed my hair today. I hope you're fucking happy.

what to do about those damn pirates

Deprived of my paint brushes on the road here in Toronto (trying not to laugh every time someone says "proe-cess" or "eh?"), I resorted to reading the news:

"Meanwhile, Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he expects to spend long hours in the White House situation room in the coming weeks trying to figure out what to do about pirates."
(http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=103055945)

some suggestions:

• Exterminate all parrots. How could someone be a pirate without a parrot? Oh sure, greenpeace will complain, but fuck, they're kind of like pirates too. So better exterminate greenpeace.
• Arrest Johnny Depp and put him in Camp X-ray because once he played a pirate in a movie and that might have encouraged others to be pirates. Use the usual torture methods to find out if, in fact, Johnny Depp might be behind the current "pirate craze" in an attempt to get people to watch his boring and crappy sequels.
• If anyone says "yo ho ho" in line at the airport or is wearing an eye patch, arrest them. Of course, a pirate wouldn't be taking a plane you might point out. Well, smarty pants, TSA knows a lot more about airport security than you do, and there are many pirates on planes, you just don't know it. TSA will protect you, don't worry your pretty little head about anything. I wouldn't wear anything that looks like a pirate hat at the airport though. And no jokes about pirates while you're in line for security screening. That will result in someone you aren't attracted to sticking a gloved hand up your ass.
• Oh, and that makes me think of another good idea - parrot sniffing dogs at the airport. And a machine that everyone has to walk through that blows air all over them, to dislodge parrot dander, to identify pirates. Gee, I feel safer already, don't you?
• Reinstatement of scurvy. To aid in this, all future care packages sent to Africa will have only M&Ms and coke in them.
• A super secret, multi-billion dollar program run by the CIA to invent super great white sharks that attack only pirates. They will be under CIA mind control. Unless, of course, something goes horribly, horribly wrong...
• Special breeding program for wood peckers. They could perhaps be cross bred with pigeons so they breed quickly, like the ocean and boats, but still peck big holes in wood.
• Ha, what pirate ship could survive an onslaught of woodpeckers and super great whites?
• Super beavers...yeah, and let's throw some super beavers in there. Super beavers could build beaver dams across major shipping lanes to keep pirates from getting in there and stealing ships.
• Female super beavers...they could keep the pirates at home...

Robert Gates, if you're reading this, I'm available to consult on project plans for any of the above mentioned suggestions.

happy birthday sunshine (don't read Jamesy)

Jamesy, this is a painting I made for your birthday (coming up soon in June, didn't know how long it would take to dry or how long it would take to make it not suck so I finished your painting early - check me out never missed a deadline and you know :). It's called "happy birthday sunshine" because James is one of the most positive people I've ever encountered in my life.

So...Jamesy...I always associate him with my move to Colorado because he's the one that pulled the strings to get me on the project out in Denver so I could move. He also took good care of me when I was sick from the c. I associate a lot of memories with him, sitting in McFinn's, watching boxing matches, him smoking a cigar while I smoke cigarettes, but the thing I most think of when I think of Jamesy is music. We used to sit in his car while we smoked and listen to all kinds of things, jazz, rap, big band, whatever as long as it was good.

Reminding me of a side story...one day I got into Jamesy's rental car and wasn't paying attention. I sat down, went to lean back in the seat, and ended up laying on the back seat. I sat up and noticed foot prints, fucking FOOTPRINTS, on the glove box. I was like "uh, James?" and he just giggled and said "long night".

We actually got to share an office for about, oh, a day, on our project, until someone maybe got nervous about allowing the two of us to hang out behind closed doors. We could have taken that project over so fast it would have made everyone's head spin. But, instead, we decided to be good.

Jamesy, I miss hanging out and talking with you.

Here's the picture I based the painting on (sort of) http://frankiflowers.blogspot.com/2008/05/proust-questionnaire-james-justifiably.html.

Then I found a web site with music notes on it and just copied some. I know jack shit about music notes so I have no idea what any of them mean. I painted him with his eyes closed because I don't know how to paint eyes yet.

my cigarette talks better than I do

This is a painting I made of my fake co-author called "my cigarette talks better than I do". It's based on a picture he sent me taken by Andrew Querner (I am probably not allowed to even post it, but it's always easier to not ask permission). He had gone on a trip, and I hadn't heard from him for about a really long time. So when he got back and sent me pics from his trip I kept saying "the pictures didn't come through" even though, ha ha, they did. I wanted to see how many times I could get him to send me the same email with pictures because I was pissed at him. After 5 or so times I finally fessed up.

I should give it to him. It would serve him right to have to find a place to hang it. It's my first time trying to paint a face. I should note that I spent 4 hours on Saturday at the Denver MOMA getting ideas for paintings...