what to do about those damn pirates

Deprived of my paint brushes on the road here in Toronto (trying not to laugh every time someone says "proe-cess" or "eh?"), I resorted to reading the news:

"Meanwhile, Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he expects to spend long hours in the White House situation room in the coming weeks trying to figure out what to do about pirates."
(http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=103055945)

some suggestions:

• Exterminate all parrots. How could someone be a pirate without a parrot? Oh sure, greenpeace will complain, but fuck, they're kind of like pirates too. So better exterminate greenpeace.
• Arrest Johnny Depp and put him in Camp X-ray because once he played a pirate in a movie and that might have encouraged others to be pirates. Use the usual torture methods to find out if, in fact, Johnny Depp might be behind the current "pirate craze" in an attempt to get people to watch his boring and crappy sequels.
• If anyone says "yo ho ho" in line at the airport or is wearing an eye patch, arrest them. Of course, a pirate wouldn't be taking a plane you might point out. Well, smarty pants, TSA knows a lot more about airport security than you do, and there are many pirates on planes, you just don't know it. TSA will protect you, don't worry your pretty little head about anything. I wouldn't wear anything that looks like a pirate hat at the airport though. And no jokes about pirates while you're in line for security screening. That will result in someone you aren't attracted to sticking a gloved hand up your ass.
• Oh, and that makes me think of another good idea - parrot sniffing dogs at the airport. And a machine that everyone has to walk through that blows air all over them, to dislodge parrot dander, to identify pirates. Gee, I feel safer already, don't you?
• Reinstatement of scurvy. To aid in this, all future care packages sent to Africa will have only M&Ms and coke in them.
• A super secret, multi-billion dollar program run by the CIA to invent super great white sharks that attack only pirates. They will be under CIA mind control. Unless, of course, something goes horribly, horribly wrong...
• Special breeding program for wood peckers. They could perhaps be cross bred with pigeons so they breed quickly, like the ocean and boats, but still peck big holes in wood.
• Ha, what pirate ship could survive an onslaught of woodpeckers and super great whites?
• Super beavers...yeah, and let's throw some super beavers in there. Super beavers could build beaver dams across major shipping lanes to keep pirates from getting in there and stealing ships.
• Female super beavers...they could keep the pirates at home...

Robert Gates, if you're reading this, I'm available to consult on project plans for any of the above mentioned suggestions.