From when my parents came to Greece in October 1998...
Famed mountain climber and amateur landscape artist Dr. X, and his lovely wife, Y, raiser of genius offspring (me), wine specialist, and winner of the “I can take my computer apart the fastest” contest, came to Greece this past Saturday. They stayed one night in Athens before departing for the lovely island of Corfu, where they are supposedly “working” and hopefully buying me even more presents than what they arrived with.
For their visit they arranged a trip to the Acropolis with X Expeditions, a somewhat shady tour outfit described in Frommer’s as “an atrocious tour of every bar in Athens from which you will wake up with a hang over that makes you think the Acropolis landed on your head”. The tour started out with a trip to the hotel bar where the waiter had the pleasure of listening to Y attempt to order white wine in Greek based on lessons she received in the language via e-mail from some guy named Tom that she works with.
After discovering English was a better vehicle for communicating with the hotel staff, the tour operator, a spastic young woman who seemed to get great pleasure out of walking in front of moving cars, made the couple chug their drinks so they could see the Acropolis. Dr. X responded to the stunning monument with exclamations such as, “look, there are some rocks stacked up in a pile over there” and “look, more rocks”. His final comment on the beauty of the monument was “wow, there are a lot of fat American tourists here.”
The tour continued from the Acropolis to the main restaurant strip where Dr. X felt the need to say “I’m not really hungry, but if any one else wants some food this restaurant looks good”. After dinner and a few more attempts to get hit by a car, the tour guide dropped the tired couple off at their hotel room. They will be returning to finish their tour Friday morning.
Monday, February 25, 2008
A Trip Through Western Crete (or, Why Do I Have A Dead Frog In My Backpack)
This is a story about hiking the Samarian Gorge in Crete back in 1998. The Samarian Gorge is the longest gorge in Europe.
Greek Traveler-At-Large Grant met up with this editor Thursday to take a 4 day trip to Crete. Planning for this trip included drinking some Amstels before packing and discussing how boring reading the guide book was. Upon arrival in Hania, Crete, after a boat ride on a nice but Arctic temperature ferry, with no sleep, the traveling duo discussed what they should do. Of course, at 6 in the morning on Friday nothing is open in Hania so they took a taxi into town to watch the sun rise.
Once there was enough light to read the guide book this editor suggested taking a trip to the Samarian Gorge, the most famous gorge in Crete and, as they would discover later, the longest. Later, the prophetic words in the guide book “Proper footwear is essential” would come back to haunt the pair.
Undeterred by the fact that the editor was wearing city boots with heels, and Grant had only sandals, they hopped a bus for Samaria. What follows is a kilometer by kilometer tour of the gorge:
KM 1 – Stop every 100 feet to take a picture. The gorge is beautiful from the top. Even though our footwear is a little lacking, we did remember to bring our bathing suits because Grant has assumed there will be a nice pool of water and a water fall at the bottom of the gorge that we can swim in.
KM 2 – My feet hurt a little. The trail isn’t as tourist friendly as I figured. We should reach the bottom soon, though, so I’ll keep going.
KM 3 – My feet fucking hurt. Are we there yet?
KM 4 – Four stupid German girls just passed us and they were laughing at my footwear. I’m going to push them into the gorge.
KM 5 – Mutiny. Threaten to kill Grant if we don’t turn around. Am persuaded to continue because “we’re almost there”. An image of a pool of water a few kilometers away keeps me going.
KM 6 – Stop a guy and ask how much farther. He tells us 9 KM. Grant will be drowned in the river if we ever reach it.
KM 7 – Grant’s sandals are disintegrating and my boot soles are almost non existent. We have finished our small bottle of water. We are going to die in the gorge. Grant is mumbling incoherently about the pool of water.
KM 8 – We see some ruins from WWII where the Cretans had an outpost to fight the Nazis. Big fucking deal, my feet hurt.
KM 9 – We see lots of kri-kri, the endangered puffy sheep like animals that run around the gorge. I hope one will come up and offer me a ride. No such luck. And Grant has finally read the guide book and tells me there actually is no pool of water at the bottom of the gorge.
KM 10 – We see a large rock with smaller rocks piled on top of it like pieces of wood in a jenga game. They are put there by the hikers. We contribute two rocks and take some pictures.
KM 11- A guy in cammo walking the other way tells us to watch for falling rocks. We ARE going to die.
Km 12 – No rocks have fallen on Grant yet in spite of the editor’s attempts to be psycho kinetic.
KM 13 – We reach the “Iron Gates”, where the gorge narrows dramatically. More tourists ridicule my footwear and generally hobbled state.
KM 14 – 17 We both agree we hate the gorge. Will this nightmare ever end????
KM 18 – The gorge opens up to the sea. We see a guard shack where they ask us to return our tickets that Grant has somehow managed to lose. They feel sorry for us and let us go. I see a beer stand!
KM 18 – The guards kick us out of the park after 1 beer. The park is closed. We also find out the only way home is to catch a ferry at the nexr town. What do you mean we have 3 more kilometers to walk to the ferry????
KM 19 – More kri-kri. Do they care that I am now an endangered species?
KM 20 – Grant spies a completely flattened dead frog in the road and picks it up. I tell him to put it down.
KM 21 – I ask Grant where the frog is and Grant says he threw the frog away. I find it the next morning in my backpack trying to locate the source of a foul odor.
KM 22 – I see the lights of Agia Roumeli.
KM 23 – Hop on a ferry to Sfakia. Drink many Mythos on the ferry which later proves to be a bad decision as the bus ride to Hania takes 1 ½ hours with no bathroom breaks.
Editor’s Note: Although it was Grant’s fault that this editor suffered greatly he made up for it by treating the editor’s blisters for the rest of the trip. He did, however, say she had “Medusa Feet” which upset the editor so greatly he had to buy her band aids with dinosaurs roller skating on them to get her to speak to him again.
Greek Traveler-At-Large Grant met up with this editor Thursday to take a 4 day trip to Crete. Planning for this trip included drinking some Amstels before packing and discussing how boring reading the guide book was. Upon arrival in Hania, Crete, after a boat ride on a nice but Arctic temperature ferry, with no sleep, the traveling duo discussed what they should do. Of course, at 6 in the morning on Friday nothing is open in Hania so they took a taxi into town to watch the sun rise.
Once there was enough light to read the guide book this editor suggested taking a trip to the Samarian Gorge, the most famous gorge in Crete and, as they would discover later, the longest. Later, the prophetic words in the guide book “Proper footwear is essential” would come back to haunt the pair.
Undeterred by the fact that the editor was wearing city boots with heels, and Grant had only sandals, they hopped a bus for Samaria. What follows is a kilometer by kilometer tour of the gorge:
KM 1 – Stop every 100 feet to take a picture. The gorge is beautiful from the top. Even though our footwear is a little lacking, we did remember to bring our bathing suits because Grant has assumed there will be a nice pool of water and a water fall at the bottom of the gorge that we can swim in.
KM 2 – My feet hurt a little. The trail isn’t as tourist friendly as I figured. We should reach the bottom soon, though, so I’ll keep going.
KM 3 – My feet fucking hurt. Are we there yet?
KM 4 – Four stupid German girls just passed us and they were laughing at my footwear. I’m going to push them into the gorge.
KM 5 – Mutiny. Threaten to kill Grant if we don’t turn around. Am persuaded to continue because “we’re almost there”. An image of a pool of water a few kilometers away keeps me going.
KM 6 – Stop a guy and ask how much farther. He tells us 9 KM. Grant will be drowned in the river if we ever reach it.
KM 7 – Grant’s sandals are disintegrating and my boot soles are almost non existent. We have finished our small bottle of water. We are going to die in the gorge. Grant is mumbling incoherently about the pool of water.
KM 8 – We see some ruins from WWII where the Cretans had an outpost to fight the Nazis. Big fucking deal, my feet hurt.
KM 9 – We see lots of kri-kri, the endangered puffy sheep like animals that run around the gorge. I hope one will come up and offer me a ride. No such luck. And Grant has finally read the guide book and tells me there actually is no pool of water at the bottom of the gorge.
KM 10 – We see a large rock with smaller rocks piled on top of it like pieces of wood in a jenga game. They are put there by the hikers. We contribute two rocks and take some pictures.
KM 11- A guy in cammo walking the other way tells us to watch for falling rocks. We ARE going to die.
Km 12 – No rocks have fallen on Grant yet in spite of the editor’s attempts to be psycho kinetic.
KM 13 – We reach the “Iron Gates”, where the gorge narrows dramatically. More tourists ridicule my footwear and generally hobbled state.
KM 14 – 17 We both agree we hate the gorge. Will this nightmare ever end????
KM 18 – The gorge opens up to the sea. We see a guard shack where they ask us to return our tickets that Grant has somehow managed to lose. They feel sorry for us and let us go. I see a beer stand!
KM 18 – The guards kick us out of the park after 1 beer. The park is closed. We also find out the only way home is to catch a ferry at the nexr town. What do you mean we have 3 more kilometers to walk to the ferry????
KM 19 – More kri-kri. Do they care that I am now an endangered species?
KM 20 – Grant spies a completely flattened dead frog in the road and picks it up. I tell him to put it down.
KM 21 – I ask Grant where the frog is and Grant says he threw the frog away. I find it the next morning in my backpack trying to locate the source of a foul odor.
KM 22 – I see the lights of Agia Roumeli.
KM 23 – Hop on a ferry to Sfakia. Drink many Mythos on the ferry which later proves to be a bad decision as the bus ride to Hania takes 1 ½ hours with no bathroom breaks.
Editor’s Note: Although it was Grant’s fault that this editor suffered greatly he made up for it by treating the editor’s blisters for the rest of the trip. He did, however, say she had “Medusa Feet” which upset the editor so greatly he had to buy her band aids with dinosaurs roller skating on them to get her to speak to him again.
Ameriki Attica - Hellenic MOD
Based on the time I spent living in Athens, Greece...I had a newsletter that I used to send out. I was working as a contractor with the Hellenic Ministry of Defense.
Visiting the Greek Pentagon
As many of you may or may not know, Greece also has a Pentagon. The editor of this outstanding source of news had the opportunity to visit it this past week with her boss, Demitrius, to discuss contract requirements with the Navy.
D: This is the Greek pentagon. Just like the states, right?
F: Well, this building is actually square. And it’s a little smaller.
D: It used to be a stable and housed many horses, cows, and pigs. It was redone in 1980.
F: It’s changed so much. Now it contains military guys instead of pigs.
D: The parking lot can hold 500 cars. This is bigger than the Pentagon in the states.
F: Not exactly. In fact, this entire compound is smaller than one parking lot in the real Pentagon.
D: This pentagon is the real one. We copied exactly the Americans.
F: Well, it is very close, except for the size, shape, internal structure, and lack of computer equipment. But all the military guys look the same.
D: See, it is the same.
F: Right. Where is the ladies room?
D: There’s no ladies room. Women don’t come here.
F: Just like the states.
Visitor Badge Blues
This editor had the pleasure of dealing with the Hellenic Air Force this week in an attempt to get a visitor badge to visit the Ellinikon Factory, where she is currently working on a project. The following is a summary of the conversation with Adonis, head of security for the Air Force’s Ellinikon Factory.
F: I need a visitor badge to this facility because I’m doing a briefing next week.
A: Your name is not Greek. You must be foreign.
F: You are a master of the obvious.
A: (flattered) A master, yes. We can’t give you a badge because you are foreign.
F: My paperwork for my clearance is being processed now so they said if you would agree to give me a badge I can go into your facility. I will not be discussing classified data.
A: What does your father do?
F: He was in the American Air Force.
A: Oh, you are in the military family. Perhaps I can help you then. What did he do?
F: He did something with planes.
A: He was a war hero?
F: Yes. Very decorated. And he knows many high ranking Hellenic Air Force officers (a lie).
A: Very good. He has been to Greece?
F: He is coming in October. Are you going to give me a visitor badge?
A: I need to take some pictures of you.
F: For the badge?
A: I need pictures. These things take time. (He takes three pictures of me.) Please if you could smile. This will help with the badge if you look friendly and not dangerous. I need to make a phone call.
(Adonis makes a phone call and then two more “security officers” come into the office and pose behind me while he takes more pictures. His friend takes a picture of me with Adonis standing behind).
F: So now that you have these pictures will I be able to get a badge? (The “security officers” are laminating the pictures of me "with" them and putting them in their wallets.)
A: I need more information. You have a phone number?
F: All that information is in my security paperwork.
A: You have a boy friend?
F: Yes.
A: In Greece you have a boy friend?
F: Do you think it would be possible to get my badge today?
A: I’m sorry, but as you can see the office is now closed.
F: The sign says the office is open until 4:00 and it’s only 2:30 now.
A: As you can see the office is closed because I am going home.
F: Is there anyone else who can help me?
A: Yes, I can help you.
F: I thought you were going home.
A: On Monday I can help. These things take time.
Contracting In Greece
The following procedures outline the contracting rules of Greece. Note that they are subject to change at any time, without any notice.
1. Greek military makes private contractor provide money for a software development program.
2. A committee known as the European International Community something or other sends a contract to a private company (e.g. ISI) with requirements as descriptive as “Automate Technical Orders”
3. The company (ISI) meets with the Greek military. They need two months to review the contract since they haven’t seen a copy of it.
4. The Greek military tells the company to start development.
5. The Greek military decides after two months to change the scope of the project.
6. The Greek military point of contact retires and a new person takes his place and changes the scope of the project.
7. Two years and millions of lines of code later the project is no where near completion.
8. Repeat steps 4 through 7 until everyone at the company has a nervous break down or quits.
Visiting the Greek Pentagon
As many of you may or may not know, Greece also has a Pentagon. The editor of this outstanding source of news had the opportunity to visit it this past week with her boss, Demitrius, to discuss contract requirements with the Navy.
D: This is the Greek pentagon. Just like the states, right?
F: Well, this building is actually square. And it’s a little smaller.
D: It used to be a stable and housed many horses, cows, and pigs. It was redone in 1980.
F: It’s changed so much. Now it contains military guys instead of pigs.
D: The parking lot can hold 500 cars. This is bigger than the Pentagon in the states.
F: Not exactly. In fact, this entire compound is smaller than one parking lot in the real Pentagon.
D: This pentagon is the real one. We copied exactly the Americans.
F: Well, it is very close, except for the size, shape, internal structure, and lack of computer equipment. But all the military guys look the same.
D: See, it is the same.
F: Right. Where is the ladies room?
D: There’s no ladies room. Women don’t come here.
F: Just like the states.
Visitor Badge Blues
This editor had the pleasure of dealing with the Hellenic Air Force this week in an attempt to get a visitor badge to visit the Ellinikon Factory, where she is currently working on a project. The following is a summary of the conversation with Adonis, head of security for the Air Force’s Ellinikon Factory.
F: I need a visitor badge to this facility because I’m doing a briefing next week.
A: Your name is not Greek. You must be foreign.
F: You are a master of the obvious.
A: (flattered) A master, yes. We can’t give you a badge because you are foreign.
F: My paperwork for my clearance is being processed now so they said if you would agree to give me a badge I can go into your facility. I will not be discussing classified data.
A: What does your father do?
F: He was in the American Air Force.
A: Oh, you are in the military family. Perhaps I can help you then. What did he do?
F: He did something with planes.
A: He was a war hero?
F: Yes. Very decorated. And he knows many high ranking Hellenic Air Force officers (a lie).
A: Very good. He has been to Greece?
F: He is coming in October. Are you going to give me a visitor badge?
A: I need to take some pictures of you.
F: For the badge?
A: I need pictures. These things take time. (He takes three pictures of me.) Please if you could smile. This will help with the badge if you look friendly and not dangerous. I need to make a phone call.
(Adonis makes a phone call and then two more “security officers” come into the office and pose behind me while he takes more pictures. His friend takes a picture of me with Adonis standing behind).
F: So now that you have these pictures will I be able to get a badge? (The “security officers” are laminating the pictures of me "with" them and putting them in their wallets.)
A: I need more information. You have a phone number?
F: All that information is in my security paperwork.
A: You have a boy friend?
F: Yes.
A: In Greece you have a boy friend?
F: Do you think it would be possible to get my badge today?
A: I’m sorry, but as you can see the office is now closed.
F: The sign says the office is open until 4:00 and it’s only 2:30 now.
A: As you can see the office is closed because I am going home.
F: Is there anyone else who can help me?
A: Yes, I can help you.
F: I thought you were going home.
A: On Monday I can help. These things take time.
Contracting In Greece
The following procedures outline the contracting rules of Greece. Note that they are subject to change at any time, without any notice.
1. Greek military makes private contractor provide money for a software development program.
2. A committee known as the European International Community something or other sends a contract to a private company (e.g. ISI) with requirements as descriptive as “Automate Technical Orders”
3. The company (ISI) meets with the Greek military. They need two months to review the contract since they haven’t seen a copy of it.
4. The Greek military tells the company to start development.
5. The Greek military decides after two months to change the scope of the project.
6. The Greek military point of contact retires and a new person takes his place and changes the scope of the project.
7. Two years and millions of lines of code later the project is no where near completion.
8. Repeat steps 4 through 7 until everyone at the company has a nervous break down or quits.
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