I was really burned out after I returned to the states after working overseas. I was put on this horrible project. I hated going to work every day, so I decided to leave the gov and go work for a commercial company.
I went to work for a company that made ERP software. I was responsible for coordinating our software with Oracle, the database the ERP software was based on. Idiotically, unbeknown to my company, Oracle was creating a duplicate of our software with the intention to compete head on with us when they got it done.
Anyway, the company, we'll just call it ERP, was really cool. Every day at 3 PM they would bring a snack cart around to our offices and we would get free snacks. They also had parties all of the time.
I had been working there for almost 6 months when the biggest party happened. It was to celebrate our year end (in June). The president of the company was going to be there and everything. People were excited because at the party they always gave out great schwag. The year before everyone had gotten clocks from Tiffany's. I love Tiffany's.
The day before the party mysterious white boxes, the size of a smaller Tiffany clock, were placed on everyone's desks. We were told not to open the boxes until the party the next day because it was going to be a great surprise. I did not get a box, as I had just been moved to the headquarters building and mine was apparently lost in the mail.
I was bitter. The morning of the party, I arrived at 630 am to get some work done, and decided I was going to open my manager's box. I was sure it was going to be a great present from Tiffany's. Instead, it was three stupid puzzle pieces. I was like, what the hell is this? I closed the box and went back to my office, where I spied a large container of now stale animal crackers. Hm, I thought.
I went back to my manager's office, took the puzzle pieces out of the box, and filled it with animal crackers. Then, in what would prove to be a poor decision, I decided to replace all the puzzle pieces of every box on my floor with animal crackers.
Fast forward to the party. Everyone is sitting in a conference room. There were 600 people local, and then another 1,400 people on video monitors from Australia and Europe. The president walked in and said "We've had a hard year this year. We need to work as a team. Everyone open your boxes." The Van Halen song "Right Now" was cranked up over the speakers. People opened their boxes. I snickered in anticipation.
"So, to emphasize how we need to work as a team, everyone has been given three puzzle pieces. We'll use that to build a puzzle (it was the company logo). When your name is called, please bring your pieces up here." Uh oh, I thought to myself.
The first few people were called and had puzzle pieces. Then an engineer from my floor was called and showed up with his animal crackers. The president of the company glared at the VP of Marketing and said "What are these cookies doing in this box?"
Pandemonium ensued. The president asked "who got cookies in their boxes?" One of the engineers from my floor stood up and said "I got cookies AND they're stale". The VP of Marketing was in tears and saying over and over "I don't know HOW this could have happened". I was trying not to laugh, when suddenly my manager looked over at me. Busted.
The team building exercise came to an abrupt halt. I admitted I had the puzzle pieces in my desk, but I didn't know what pieces came from what box. The VP of Marketing said there was no way they could put the puzzle together and that I had ruined the party. Apparently they spent about $500K putting together the whole puzzle thing. She told me I was going to be fired.
But, I wasn't. The president, in the end, thought what I did was funny, especially after I explained that I hadn't gotten a box. The VP of engineering was a woman who really liked me, so she spoke on my behalf. Though I was called into her office and yelled at for over an hour, and only at the end did she start laughing.
From that point forward, the marketing and sales people HATED me. They would go out of their way to avoid me. To the engineers, though, I was a hero. Someone took the puzzle pieces I had stolen and glued them as a border around my door frame. Software engineers would randomly stop by my office to congratulate me.
In the end, the company went bankrupt because Oracle released their software the same time we released ours. Oracle fired the entire product development team at ERP except for me; I was supposed to go work for them. Instead, my old gov manager called me and asked if I could be ready to leave for Greece in two weeks to take a 3 year assignment. I took it.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
trash with cash
I thought about this story last night because I was watching the Chappelle DVD and he did this skit called "the niggers", about a white family. He said that he thought it was funny until white people came up to him and started saying racist stuff, figuring it was okay because he had done that skit.
I dated this guy for a while in Colorado, I'll call him A. He had a "best friend", I'll call her R, who had inherited a bunch of money when her father was killed in an elevator accident. She personified the term "trash with cash", having horrible manners on top of being pretty stupid (she completely destroyed her house by turning off the power but not the water one winter while she was out of town; then she lied to the insurance company about what happened so they would rebuild her house).
A left his wife and went on a road trip with R about a year before I met him. There were questions about whether or not he left his wife for R. He was in love with R even though he refused to admit it.
I'd always found R to be an asshole. She treated A like shit, only spending time with him when she needed something. She always complained about money, even though she was rich. If there's anything I truly despise, it's rich people who lack generosity.
R ended up getting married to a guy named Paul, an obnoxious New Zealander who drank a lot. In October of what ever year it was, they were flying to NZ, and asked to stay at my house. I agreed to let them come, thinking if I spent some time with R I might like her better. Paul wanted to go see some DJ playing in downtown dinner, so we planned for them to come to my house, go out to see the DJ, and the next morning they would leave for the airport.
They showed up at my house with a bunch of alcohol. That's strange, I thought. They were drinking in the guest room, I guess because they didn't want to share, although I had no interest in getting trashed drinking the shit vodka they had. Then Paul decided to build a fire in my fire place while I was in the shower, even though I had told him numerous times it didn't work. I got out of the shower when the fire alarm went off and we had to open all the doors to air my place out.
Paul also decided to crank up my stereo to an ear splitting level, pissing off my neighbors. I finally took the batteries out of the remote so he couldn't turn it on since every time I turned the stereo down he would turn it back up. We ordered dinner, and when it came they didn't give me any money for it. I thought that was shit manners, but not unexpected. And, I usually pay for dinner when I have guests; it just pissed me off they didn't even offer to pay.
Fast forward to us arriving at the club. Paul was seriously intoxicated and kept trying to climb into the DJ booth. R was no where to be found. I ended up on the dance floor by myself, and ran into some guys who, oddly enough, had just been transferred out to Denver by my old 3 letter employer. We had friends in common so we talked for a while.
I then went outside to smoke and ran into this guy M. M had just told this girl to fuck off. I looked at him and said "you're a dick". We ended up hanging out the rest of the night. He was a climber and we made plans to climb together since I didn't know any climbers in Denver.
While I was hanging out with M, R came down and told me that Paul was getting kicked out of the club. Her reasoning is that he hadn't bought any drinks. I was like uh huh, it has NOTHING to do with the fact that he's totally drunk and annoying the FUCK out of everyone.
M went with R and I up to the bar where Paul was arguing with the bouncer trying to throw him out. Paul was so out of control they got this huge african american bouncer to help get him out of the club. That's when the horrible thing happened.
Paul called the bouncer a nigger. I was appalled. Having many african american friends, and seeing what they go through on an almost daily basis because of prejudice, I wanted to say something. I wanted to kick Paul in the balls. But I did nothing.
The white bouncer was going to have Paul arrested but M stepped in and stopped them from doing that. As we walked out of the club, Paul called the bouncer a nigger again. I didn't do anything except apologize to the bouncer. The bouncer said "you know, it happens, it's okay". But, it wasn't okay, and isn't okay. Had it been anyone else I would have done something. But I was afraid to cause a conflict since R and A were "best friends". I to this day regret not saying something.
We got home and Paul broke a dish, lost his balance, fell backwards on the floor and hit his head. That's how drunk he was. Then he took my phone and called the club about 14 times cursing and swearing at them for kicking him out. I ended up going to bed because I couldn't take being around Paul and R any more.
The next morning they didn't apologize for the way they acted. They packed up their alcohol and shit and went to the airport. I called A and told him what happened. A said he was going to confront R, and I told him not to bother because it would just cause problems.
But A wanted to confront R because he was jealous of Paul. So when R got back from NZ A told her that I had said that Paul called someone a nigger. She TOTALLY denied it and said I had lied about the whole evening. Even when I got M to send A an email verifying that everything I had said was true, A still accused me of lying. His reasoning: "I've known R for 6 years. I haven't known you that long".
I should have broken up with A then, but I didn't. We went on a break and then got back together. But, since A and R live in a small town, everyone was gossiping about what happened, and I was made out to be the bad guy. I sometimes wished that M had just let them arrest Paul. By trying to protect people that weren't even my friends I had inadvertently fucked myself.
After that, I decided I will never again date a guy like A. I can't deal with people who lack integrity and who have shitty friends. And I will never again stand idly by and let someone call any minority a derogatory name.
I dated this guy for a while in Colorado, I'll call him A. He had a "best friend", I'll call her R, who had inherited a bunch of money when her father was killed in an elevator accident. She personified the term "trash with cash", having horrible manners on top of being pretty stupid (she completely destroyed her house by turning off the power but not the water one winter while she was out of town; then she lied to the insurance company about what happened so they would rebuild her house).
A left his wife and went on a road trip with R about a year before I met him. There were questions about whether or not he left his wife for R. He was in love with R even though he refused to admit it.
I'd always found R to be an asshole. She treated A like shit, only spending time with him when she needed something. She always complained about money, even though she was rich. If there's anything I truly despise, it's rich people who lack generosity.
R ended up getting married to a guy named Paul, an obnoxious New Zealander who drank a lot. In October of what ever year it was, they were flying to NZ, and asked to stay at my house. I agreed to let them come, thinking if I spent some time with R I might like her better. Paul wanted to go see some DJ playing in downtown dinner, so we planned for them to come to my house, go out to see the DJ, and the next morning they would leave for the airport.
They showed up at my house with a bunch of alcohol. That's strange, I thought. They were drinking in the guest room, I guess because they didn't want to share, although I had no interest in getting trashed drinking the shit vodka they had. Then Paul decided to build a fire in my fire place while I was in the shower, even though I had told him numerous times it didn't work. I got out of the shower when the fire alarm went off and we had to open all the doors to air my place out.
Paul also decided to crank up my stereo to an ear splitting level, pissing off my neighbors. I finally took the batteries out of the remote so he couldn't turn it on since every time I turned the stereo down he would turn it back up. We ordered dinner, and when it came they didn't give me any money for it. I thought that was shit manners, but not unexpected. And, I usually pay for dinner when I have guests; it just pissed me off they didn't even offer to pay.
Fast forward to us arriving at the club. Paul was seriously intoxicated and kept trying to climb into the DJ booth. R was no where to be found. I ended up on the dance floor by myself, and ran into some guys who, oddly enough, had just been transferred out to Denver by my old 3 letter employer. We had friends in common so we talked for a while.
I then went outside to smoke and ran into this guy M. M had just told this girl to fuck off. I looked at him and said "you're a dick". We ended up hanging out the rest of the night. He was a climber and we made plans to climb together since I didn't know any climbers in Denver.
While I was hanging out with M, R came down and told me that Paul was getting kicked out of the club. Her reasoning is that he hadn't bought any drinks. I was like uh huh, it has NOTHING to do with the fact that he's totally drunk and annoying the FUCK out of everyone.
M went with R and I up to the bar where Paul was arguing with the bouncer trying to throw him out. Paul was so out of control they got this huge african american bouncer to help get him out of the club. That's when the horrible thing happened.
Paul called the bouncer a nigger. I was appalled. Having many african american friends, and seeing what they go through on an almost daily basis because of prejudice, I wanted to say something. I wanted to kick Paul in the balls. But I did nothing.
The white bouncer was going to have Paul arrested but M stepped in and stopped them from doing that. As we walked out of the club, Paul called the bouncer a nigger again. I didn't do anything except apologize to the bouncer. The bouncer said "you know, it happens, it's okay". But, it wasn't okay, and isn't okay. Had it been anyone else I would have done something. But I was afraid to cause a conflict since R and A were "best friends". I to this day regret not saying something.
We got home and Paul broke a dish, lost his balance, fell backwards on the floor and hit his head. That's how drunk he was. Then he took my phone and called the club about 14 times cursing and swearing at them for kicking him out. I ended up going to bed because I couldn't take being around Paul and R any more.
The next morning they didn't apologize for the way they acted. They packed up their alcohol and shit and went to the airport. I called A and told him what happened. A said he was going to confront R, and I told him not to bother because it would just cause problems.
But A wanted to confront R because he was jealous of Paul. So when R got back from NZ A told her that I had said that Paul called someone a nigger. She TOTALLY denied it and said I had lied about the whole evening. Even when I got M to send A an email verifying that everything I had said was true, A still accused me of lying. His reasoning: "I've known R for 6 years. I haven't known you that long".
I should have broken up with A then, but I didn't. We went on a break and then got back together. But, since A and R live in a small town, everyone was gossiping about what happened, and I was made out to be the bad guy. I sometimes wished that M had just let them arrest Paul. By trying to protect people that weren't even my friends I had inadvertently fucked myself.
After that, I decided I will never again date a guy like A. I can't deal with people who lack integrity and who have shitty friends. And I will never again stand idly by and let someone call any minority a derogatory name.
Friday, April 24, 2009
they were surprised to discover, among them, a dancing ant
I wanted to paint a picture for my nephew, so I painted this. I was walking around downtown tonight when I got the idea for the painting. He's only 5, so I think he'll like it.
all the other flowers were embarrassed when the tulip showed up drunk again without her stem
This is the painting that some of my friends said looked like a floating clit. I started it on Sunday, and added some stuff to it to try to make it look better.It's a throw away, but at least I got some practice painting flowers.
I was painting it for my friends Eva and Dan, but I'm too embarrassed to give it to them (they own 2 Peter Maxx paintings). I'm going to paint something else for them.
pails
This is a painting I was going to give to my mom for mother's day. It turned out kind of suck so I might repaint it, or just get her something from Tiffany's like I usually do.The painting was based on this photo of me and my sister playing on the beach at Martha's Vineyard. I'm sitting down and my sister is standing up. The picture was taken right before she dumped her pail of sand on my head.
The figures turned out suck, the beach was the wrong color, the rocks look like turds, and when I initially painted it the water was way too big. But, I think I'll try to paint it again.
trimming the bushes
Now that it's getting nice outside I took a look at my yard. It's a disaster. All of my rose bushes look like they're dead.
So, after I whacked all the weeds in my yard, I decided I should trim the bushes. I later found out from Jeffy I was supposed to do that in the fall. Oops. Fuck me.
I started out just dead heading the bushes. But that was boring and tedious. So then I decided to just cut off the dead stalks. Things went south pretty quickly. It's kind of like when you go to get waxed and you ask for the tiffany. Then the waxer keeps waxing until finally you hear an "oops!" and you look down and see that now you have a brazilian. And then the waxer says "well, I'll just charge you for a clean up". And you start thinking "my chop chop is going to be soooo cold if I'm wearing a skirt and there's a breeze".
Why do I even have a yard at all? I need to get some rocks.
Speaking of rocks, yesterday when I was on a bike ride, it suddenly occurred to me that the stamp logic puzzle has to have a pretty simple solution. I can sort of formulate what the solution is but haven't had a chance to write it down. That's the nice thing about logic puzzles. They give your mind something calming to chew on instead of worrying about, say, the decimation of the shark population.
So, after I whacked all the weeds in my yard, I decided I should trim the bushes. I later found out from Jeffy I was supposed to do that in the fall. Oops. Fuck me.
I started out just dead heading the bushes. But that was boring and tedious. So then I decided to just cut off the dead stalks. Things went south pretty quickly. It's kind of like when you go to get waxed and you ask for the tiffany. Then the waxer keeps waxing until finally you hear an "oops!" and you look down and see that now you have a brazilian. And then the waxer says "well, I'll just charge you for a clean up". And you start thinking "my chop chop is going to be soooo cold if I'm wearing a skirt and there's a breeze".
Why do I even have a yard at all? I need to get some rocks.
Speaking of rocks, yesterday when I was on a bike ride, it suddenly occurred to me that the stamp logic puzzle has to have a pretty simple solution. I can sort of formulate what the solution is but haven't had a chance to write it down. That's the nice thing about logic puzzles. They give your mind something calming to chew on instead of worrying about, say, the decimation of the shark population.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
would you get to drive the porsche?
Back in the day, after 9/11, I moved from San Fran to DC to help out this 3 letter collective on a project.
I didn't do a good job of ingratiating myself with the team. They were trying to foist a bunch of bullshit work off on me. I was not having it. Then I stood up in a meeting and told a bunch of contractors they were all terrorists because they were more concerned with how much they would get paid for their work than actually doing their work. I was summarily fired and then before that could actually happen rehired because the head gov guy liked that I did that.
I was put in the architecture group, working for a guy named Barry. Barry looks like yoda, if yoda only weighed 70 lbs. We made sure that, for every award he won, they spelled his name "Berry" on the certificate or plaque. He never noticed.
Barry wanted less than nothing to do with me. So he tried to annoy the ever loving shit out of me every day to get me to quit. I finally decided a detente at the local watering hole was in order.
As we sat there with our beers (back when I could drink beer), Barry asked me if I liked logic puzzles. I had never given them much thought. He gave me a simple puzzle (the old "cannibal which village do you go to") and I solved it pretty quickly. We then moved on to the bags of marbles, candle fuses, etc. Before I knew it, it was really late and Barry was running out of puzzles. I discovered then that I love logic puzzles, and that being good at solving them raised my street cred with Barry.
Next happy hour, Barry told me that he was going to give me a really hard puzzle. It had taken him 4 years to solve. He wondered if I could solve it faster. I countered with an incentive to solving the puzzle faster. I said that if I could solve it in less than 4 years Barry would have to let me drive his Porsche. It was a beauty, fuck me red, 1,500 miles on it, and just screaming for action.
I solved the puzzle in 4 weeks. Barry had to let me drive his car. Barry thought I was going to take a lap around the parking lot with it. Instead I drove it to Annapolis (about 40 miles from our office). I got it up to 120 MPH on a lesser highway in Maryland, in the rain, while Barry kept commenting, in a high pitched voice "Uh, you can see how fast you're going because there's a digital display of the speedometer on the windshield".
So here's the puzzle. I figured out the crux of the question you have to ask within a minute of getting the puzzle, but it took me a while, and many truth tables, to figure out how to formulate the question.
If you want to solve it, you have to do it without cheating and looking the answer up on the net or in a book.
You are in a room with a knight, a liar, and a knave. For those unfamiliar with logic puzzles, a knight always tells the truth, the knave can lie or tell the truth, and the liar always lies. In three questions you have to correctly identify who is who. The puzzle solution is the three questions.
If you solve the puzzle, I will paint a picture of what ever you want me to paint. You've seen my skills at painting. So yeah, it's kind of a shit reward. But, you will get to tell all your friends why you have such a crap painting hanging in your bedroom. Or where ever you put it.
Game on.
I didn't do a good job of ingratiating myself with the team. They were trying to foist a bunch of bullshit work off on me. I was not having it. Then I stood up in a meeting and told a bunch of contractors they were all terrorists because they were more concerned with how much they would get paid for their work than actually doing their work. I was summarily fired and then before that could actually happen rehired because the head gov guy liked that I did that.
I was put in the architecture group, working for a guy named Barry. Barry looks like yoda, if yoda only weighed 70 lbs. We made sure that, for every award he won, they spelled his name "Berry" on the certificate or plaque. He never noticed.
Barry wanted less than nothing to do with me. So he tried to annoy the ever loving shit out of me every day to get me to quit. I finally decided a detente at the local watering hole was in order.
As we sat there with our beers (back when I could drink beer), Barry asked me if I liked logic puzzles. I had never given them much thought. He gave me a simple puzzle (the old "cannibal which village do you go to") and I solved it pretty quickly. We then moved on to the bags of marbles, candle fuses, etc. Before I knew it, it was really late and Barry was running out of puzzles. I discovered then that I love logic puzzles, and that being good at solving them raised my street cred with Barry.
Next happy hour, Barry told me that he was going to give me a really hard puzzle. It had taken him 4 years to solve. He wondered if I could solve it faster. I countered with an incentive to solving the puzzle faster. I said that if I could solve it in less than 4 years Barry would have to let me drive his Porsche. It was a beauty, fuck me red, 1,500 miles on it, and just screaming for action.
I solved the puzzle in 4 weeks. Barry had to let me drive his car. Barry thought I was going to take a lap around the parking lot with it. Instead I drove it to Annapolis (about 40 miles from our office). I got it up to 120 MPH on a lesser highway in Maryland, in the rain, while Barry kept commenting, in a high pitched voice "Uh, you can see how fast you're going because there's a digital display of the speedometer on the windshield".
So here's the puzzle. I figured out the crux of the question you have to ask within a minute of getting the puzzle, but it took me a while, and many truth tables, to figure out how to formulate the question.
If you want to solve it, you have to do it without cheating and looking the answer up on the net or in a book.
You are in a room with a knight, a liar, and a knave. For those unfamiliar with logic puzzles, a knight always tells the truth, the knave can lie or tell the truth, and the liar always lies. In three questions you have to correctly identify who is who. The puzzle solution is the three questions.
If you solve the puzzle, I will paint a picture of what ever you want me to paint. You've seen my skills at painting. So yeah, it's kind of a shit reward. But, you will get to tell all your friends why you have such a crap painting hanging in your bedroom. Or where ever you put it.
Game on.
bitch, you just got served
I just spent the past hour at small claims court filing a suit against the stupid fucking bitch who hit my car.
I'm not, by nature, a vindictive person. I tend to get mad at people when they try to fuck me over, and then I usually let the matter go after talking to them. I can't help having a strong sense of justice. I am, after all, a gemini.
And I would be less pissed at that stupid bitch right now if she hadn't been such a shit head. I had to get a copy of the accident report to get her (hopefully) correct information since everything she gave me was wrong. I tried to call the number listed on the accident report to talk things out with her before taking her to court. It was apparently the wrong number. I am hoping the address on the accident report isn't fake too. I was also REALLY PISSED to discover she had not been charged for driving without insurance because she gave the cop the same fake shit card she gave me.
After I filed my papers at small claims court (which was really easy, thank allah) I went over to the sheriff's department. The guy there was super nice. I told him what happened and he said "what a bitch". They're going to try to serve her with papers three times. I'm so glad she's going to have a sheriff showing up at her house. I want her neighbors to know what a fucking cunt she is.
Then the sheriff told me that if they can't find her because she gave me a fake address, I can use the VIN number to track down who ever owns the car she was driving. He thinks I'll have a good chance of finding her. I hope he is right.
The sad thing is, I would have just asked for the money that I spent fixing Jake. But now she's going to owe $105 more because of court costs. Also, I technically could charge her interest for not paying me immediately after she received my car bill. I could charge her for the time I've spent dealing with this bullshit. But I decided not to do that.
All I can say is, she better pay up. I'm going to donate the money to a women's homeless shelter that just lost their building (they used to be right down the street from me but they can't afford their place anymore so they're moving).
My court date is 1 June. And I'm pretty sure if she doesn't show up, they are going to arrest her bitch ass.
I'm not, by nature, a vindictive person. I tend to get mad at people when they try to fuck me over, and then I usually let the matter go after talking to them. I can't help having a strong sense of justice. I am, after all, a gemini.
And I would be less pissed at that stupid bitch right now if she hadn't been such a shit head. I had to get a copy of the accident report to get her (hopefully) correct information since everything she gave me was wrong. I tried to call the number listed on the accident report to talk things out with her before taking her to court. It was apparently the wrong number. I am hoping the address on the accident report isn't fake too. I was also REALLY PISSED to discover she had not been charged for driving without insurance because she gave the cop the same fake shit card she gave me.
After I filed my papers at small claims court (which was really easy, thank allah) I went over to the sheriff's department. The guy there was super nice. I told him what happened and he said "what a bitch". They're going to try to serve her with papers three times. I'm so glad she's going to have a sheriff showing up at her house. I want her neighbors to know what a fucking cunt she is.
Then the sheriff told me that if they can't find her because she gave me a fake address, I can use the VIN number to track down who ever owns the car she was driving. He thinks I'll have a good chance of finding her. I hope he is right.
The sad thing is, I would have just asked for the money that I spent fixing Jake. But now she's going to owe $105 more because of court costs. Also, I technically could charge her interest for not paying me immediately after she received my car bill. I could charge her for the time I've spent dealing with this bullshit. But I decided not to do that.
All I can say is, she better pay up. I'm going to donate the money to a women's homeless shelter that just lost their building (they used to be right down the street from me but they can't afford their place anymore so they're moving).
My court date is 1 June. And I'm pretty sure if she doesn't show up, they are going to arrest her bitch ass.
Joe makes me cry, Gadd makes me laugh
I am SO mad a Joe right now.
The reason, you might inquire? Well, a few weeks ago he sent me a link to this vid that he heard about somewhere, called sharkwater. I procured it immediately (http://www.sharkwater.com/). Then I watched the trailer for it, which showed this guy swimming around with sharks having fun and stuff. I thought it was going to be the best shark vid ever.
I didn't get the vid until yesterday. I had told Joe that I would try to wait until he was visiting or I was visiting him to watch it. But, having the will power of a 4 year old, I ripped off the cellophane and stuck it in the DVD player the second it got dark enough outside to watch it. Then I sent Joe a text saying I was watching it so I would feel less guilty.
The beginnings of the vid are great. This kid goes off swimming with sharks and even some whales. He holds the sharks like cats and pets them. He even swims right up to a great white who just ignores him. It was really cool. It made me want to go swim with sharks this weekend (hard to believe, my last shark encounter was way back in 2004).
But then, the vid went horribly, horribly wrong. The guy in the vid went to cocos island in costa rica and noticed there were no sharks where there should have been a ton since it's a marine sanctuary. Then he found this boat that had strung out all this fishing line to randomly catch shit in the sanctuary! Which is TOTALLY illegal! And the equivalent of randomly shooting up the woods to see what you can kill, and then leaving 90% of what you killed to rot in the sun.
So the guy tried to tell the fishing boat they couldn't fish there and to take in their lines and go away. They refused. So then he called the authorities, who told him to bring the ship in. The ship refused. So the guy started firing water cannons at the illegal fishing boats. Do you know what those mother fuckers did? They started pulling up every shark that was alive on the fishing line and cutting its fins off and leaving the shark to die. They said they were going to keep killing sharks until they were left to go back to fishing. Mother fuckers.
The vid footage just got worse and worse. I guess for the non-sharky types out there, imagine this: a vid of a little cute tiger playing in the grass. Suddenly, some fucking fuck of a fucker comes up to it and sticks a huge hook in its mouth and starts dragging it along the grass while blood gushes out. Then the fucking fucker cuts the little tiger's paws all off, and leaves it in the grass to die. The equivalent was going on in this vid, but with sharks instead of tigers.
I started crying because I was so horrified and angry. I wanted to join this guy's boat and become a pirate and seriously fuck up those fishermen. I wouldn't kill them. I would just cut off a few of their limbs and let them go the same way they definned sharks.
Then Joe called. I tried to pretend I was not crying but then he was like "dude, are you crying?" I was trying to tell him about the vid and he said "yeah, I started thinking, after you told me you were going to watch it, that maybe there would be some bad stuff in it, and that's why I called you". I was like FUCKER, why didn't you call me earlier BEFORE I started watching the vid to tell me that???? And he said "oh, because I had some people over for a barbecue and they didn't leave until just now".
Gee. Thanks. Fucker.
So now I've been a little bit bummed out all day about the stuff I saw in that vid. I didn't even finish watching it because it was too sad.
But luckily, Gadd sent me a very funny link so reading through it has cheered me up. One of my faves:
http://xkcd.com/253/
Though, I am a little insulted because he called me a nerd, and said:
I was laughing away at that site even though I only get about 75 percent of the nerd jokes. I thought, "Who do I know who could possibly relate to and enjoy this more than me?" Your name topped a list with one name on it.
Fucking smart ass. If he thinks I'm going to explain the jokes he doesn't get (probably the ones relating to Perl), he's wrong.
The reason, you might inquire? Well, a few weeks ago he sent me a link to this vid that he heard about somewhere, called sharkwater. I procured it immediately (http://www.sharkwater.com/). Then I watched the trailer for it, which showed this guy swimming around with sharks having fun and stuff. I thought it was going to be the best shark vid ever.
I didn't get the vid until yesterday. I had told Joe that I would try to wait until he was visiting or I was visiting him to watch it. But, having the will power of a 4 year old, I ripped off the cellophane and stuck it in the DVD player the second it got dark enough outside to watch it. Then I sent Joe a text saying I was watching it so I would feel less guilty.
The beginnings of the vid are great. This kid goes off swimming with sharks and even some whales. He holds the sharks like cats and pets them. He even swims right up to a great white who just ignores him. It was really cool. It made me want to go swim with sharks this weekend (hard to believe, my last shark encounter was way back in 2004).
But then, the vid went horribly, horribly wrong. The guy in the vid went to cocos island in costa rica and noticed there were no sharks where there should have been a ton since it's a marine sanctuary. Then he found this boat that had strung out all this fishing line to randomly catch shit in the sanctuary! Which is TOTALLY illegal! And the equivalent of randomly shooting up the woods to see what you can kill, and then leaving 90% of what you killed to rot in the sun.
So the guy tried to tell the fishing boat they couldn't fish there and to take in their lines and go away. They refused. So then he called the authorities, who told him to bring the ship in. The ship refused. So the guy started firing water cannons at the illegal fishing boats. Do you know what those mother fuckers did? They started pulling up every shark that was alive on the fishing line and cutting its fins off and leaving the shark to die. They said they were going to keep killing sharks until they were left to go back to fishing. Mother fuckers.
The vid footage just got worse and worse. I guess for the non-sharky types out there, imagine this: a vid of a little cute tiger playing in the grass. Suddenly, some fucking fuck of a fucker comes up to it and sticks a huge hook in its mouth and starts dragging it along the grass while blood gushes out. Then the fucking fucker cuts the little tiger's paws all off, and leaves it in the grass to die. The equivalent was going on in this vid, but with sharks instead of tigers.
I started crying because I was so horrified and angry. I wanted to join this guy's boat and become a pirate and seriously fuck up those fishermen. I wouldn't kill them. I would just cut off a few of their limbs and let them go the same way they definned sharks.
Then Joe called. I tried to pretend I was not crying but then he was like "dude, are you crying?" I was trying to tell him about the vid and he said "yeah, I started thinking, after you told me you were going to watch it, that maybe there would be some bad stuff in it, and that's why I called you". I was like FUCKER, why didn't you call me earlier BEFORE I started watching the vid to tell me that???? And he said "oh, because I had some people over for a barbecue and they didn't leave until just now".
Gee. Thanks. Fucker.
So now I've been a little bit bummed out all day about the stuff I saw in that vid. I didn't even finish watching it because it was too sad.
But luckily, Gadd sent me a very funny link so reading through it has cheered me up. One of my faves:
http://xkcd.com/253/
Though, I am a little insulted because he called me a nerd, and said:
I was laughing away at that site even though I only get about 75 percent of the nerd jokes. I thought, "Who do I know who could possibly relate to and enjoy this more than me?" Your name topped a list with one name on it.
Fucking smart ass. If he thinks I'm going to explain the jokes he doesn't get (probably the ones relating to Perl), he's wrong.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
art critic
After climbing at clear creek yesterday (it was nice to be outside after being trapped in office buildings for weeks) Dr. Jay dropped me off at my house and came in to see my paintings.
First I showed him the planet exploding painting. I explained to him that some people thought it looked like a giant white anus. Dr. Jay said "Yeah, I can see that". I showed him where I had to paint over the man with the triangular head. He was like "Hmm. Well, it's your first painting." Even though it actually wasn't my first painting. I think the problem with that painting is it's really hard to paint an explosion when you don't know how to paint.
Next I showed him the picture I did of Jamesy, and told him how someone said that it looked like a lesbian. He said the painting made Jamesy look like he had some kind of skin disease. That's because I hand made the color I used for his face, and then I ran out before I finished painting his head. I tried to remix the color but I couldn't get the same shade. So I tried to blend the new color in with the old, which had already dried. I asked Dr. Jay if I should send the picture to Jamesy and he said "Well, um, you know him better than I do". So now I'm all paranoid if I send the picture to Jamesy he's going to get mad at me because he looks like he has a skin disease.
Then I showed him the picture of my fake co-author, and then the photo that I used to paint it. He said "Why is the smoke all over the place?" I had to explain that I couldn't paint the hood on jacket so I just painted smoke where the hood should be. Then I noticed that some of the hat got smeared on his face, so he has a weird grey streak right on his cheek. Dr. Jay looked at the face and said "Well, no one can really paint a face...." I asked again if I should maybe not send the painting. He said "I can't really say. I mean, you know him better than I do. You could just send the pictures and they could always throw them away."
I showed him the paintings I did on Sunday. He said "That's weird" and "Maybe you should repaint that one".
I think I need a painting lesson.
First I showed him the planet exploding painting. I explained to him that some people thought it looked like a giant white anus. Dr. Jay said "Yeah, I can see that". I showed him where I had to paint over the man with the triangular head. He was like "Hmm. Well, it's your first painting." Even though it actually wasn't my first painting. I think the problem with that painting is it's really hard to paint an explosion when you don't know how to paint.
Next I showed him the picture I did of Jamesy, and told him how someone said that it looked like a lesbian. He said the painting made Jamesy look like he had some kind of skin disease. That's because I hand made the color I used for his face, and then I ran out before I finished painting his head. I tried to remix the color but I couldn't get the same shade. So I tried to blend the new color in with the old, which had already dried. I asked Dr. Jay if I should send the picture to Jamesy and he said "Well, um, you know him better than I do". So now I'm all paranoid if I send the picture to Jamesy he's going to get mad at me because he looks like he has a skin disease.
Then I showed him the picture of my fake co-author, and then the photo that I used to paint it. He said "Why is the smoke all over the place?" I had to explain that I couldn't paint the hood on jacket so I just painted smoke where the hood should be. Then I noticed that some of the hat got smeared on his face, so he has a weird grey streak right on his cheek. Dr. Jay looked at the face and said "Well, no one can really paint a face...." I asked again if I should maybe not send the painting. He said "I can't really say. I mean, you know him better than I do. You could just send the pictures and they could always throw them away."
I showed him the paintings I did on Sunday. He said "That's weird" and "Maybe you should repaint that one".
I think I need a painting lesson.
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