creative management

I've been mentoring two guys at work, trying to train them to teach classes. They are both not serious about their careers, and total screw offs at work. So annoying. I can yell at them or do other stuff, but since I'm not their manager, I have limited power over what I can do to them.

So, they were supposed to give training classes Wednesday and Thursday to some people internal to my company. They did a horrible job. When they were able to answer a question from the students, they gave the wrong answer. They hadn't gone over the software exercises and couldn't get things to work. It was a disaster, and after the class on Wednesday I was so depressed I wanted to quit my job.

I yelled at them Wednesday night, and they did do better on Thursday. But still. The class was horrible. I was stalking around outside the building where the class was held because I couldn't listen to them anymore, smoking and plotting how to kill the two of them, when their manager came out. I had a short word with him about their performance. He also was upset, and asked me what we should do. I was like "dude, I am out of ideas."

Moments later, an idea hit me. Their manager is a pretty passive guy. He never yells at anyone, and didn't want to yell at them about their abysmal performance. So I suggested to him that he call the boys and myself in for a talk after the class was over, and yell at all of us together for the horrible job they had done. I said that he should really yell as if their poor performance were my fault. He thought it was a great idea.

Then, as the afternoon wore on, I kept coming up with more and more ideas of what he should do and say in the meeting. He was really getting into it and wrote notes down on a piece of paper so we could script the whole meeting. He couldn't yell at someone in real life, but if he thought he was faking it, he was able to do it. I was hoping that he would be able to pull it off.

After the class we all got pulled into a conference room. I decided to look at the floor so I wouldn't laugh. The manager started out yelling at everyone. The two guys were shocked. Then he yelled at me. I pretended that I was about to cry because I was really about to laugh. Then he went absolutely insane and started yelling and screaming so much that his face turned red and he was spitting all over the place. It was awesome.

One of the guys, who is in his late forties and who speaks english as a second language, tried to defend himself (bad mistake). But he was rattled from getting yelled at so, in my favorite part of the meeting, he said "I know there was a large boob in my presentation", meaning, that he had a mistake in his presentation (he picked up the expression boo boo from me, which I say when I want to annoy Ireland). The manager, who also speaks english as a second language, screamed at him "There were MANY large boobs in your presentation!" I thought I was going to have to bite through my lip to keep from laughing.

The manager had fun yelling at me. He said totally insane stuff like "if you don't do what I say, you will fear me because I am like a gorilla!" After the meeting was over he told the two guys to leave so he could talk to me in private. We laughed for about 10 minutes. I was in tears I was laughing so hard which was great because the guys thought I had been crying.

In any case, the guys were in shock and it will hopefully make a difference in their work performance. We'll see what happens next week.

breaky jakey

Two nights ago Jakey was attacked by a UED (uninsured exploding deer).

Which is odd because that same day I was telling people in my office that I was worried that something was going to happen to my car.

But, the damage isn't that bad.

artwork

Ireland and I were sitting at the onetoone beer garden having a bit of a piss up (and somewhere, the bouncer smiles) because we both had the longest, worst week ever (except for the previous week, etc.) when suddenly this little girl ran up to me, and handed me the piece of paper you see to the right.

Ireland was like "What, you don't have a picture for me?" The little girl looked at me. I said "She's kind of mean, isn't she?" The little girl ran away.

We both looked at the picture. I said "Maybe it's a secret message from an alien space craft that has managed to recruit a small child to deliver their very important communication to me. I hope I can decipher it."

Ireland said "I think it's a picture of your hair." Touche.


Then, in a very boring meeting today, I happened to look over and see the texas kid with his shoes off. He's always copying me and trying to be as cool as me. So I drew a picture of his feet with a bad smell coming from them (center right). Then he drew a picture of me (leftish centerish) showing me being sweaty (because I don't wear deodorant and walk to work, which takes over an hour) spouting off about my two favorite subjects, EA and SA.

So I drew a picture of him (bottom leftish) making fun of him because I have to tell him the same thing 10 times before he remembers it. Then he drew me (top right) pretending I fart in the office, when really it's him that's always farting. So I looked over at him and saw him slumped over in his chair, half asleep. So I drew him on the bottom right saying that he didn't have a spine.

At that point Ireland took our paper away, and didn't give it back until the meeting was over. Which is good, because I had no intention of taking notes.