faren't you glad I called?

I have a friend who purposely farts around me because he knows I will laugh like a four year old, especially when he farts on things he doesn't like (like when his tablet is running slow) or on dogs (it's not animal abuse, and when the dog runs away it trails the fart smell which makes me laugh even harder).

I have never talked to this friend on the phone. And I assumed, like me, he ignores all phone calls. One of the reasons we're friends is that we are both extremely anti-social. It's nice to have friends that don't expect you to do friend stuff. Like talk to each other in real life.

Anyway, my nephew was kind of gassy this evening after eating Indian food. I'm talking farts that sound like the fabric of the universe ripping. So I got the great idea to prank fart call my friend. Then my niece decided we should enhance the prank call with this app she has on her ipad called "big button box". The plan was, when voice mail picked up, for my niece to press the "incoming!" button and then after my nephew farted to play another button that made a toilet flushing sound.

Instead what happened is my friend answered the phone, but on my end we were all laughing so hard and my nephew was farting and my niece pressing all the buttons on the big button box that we didn't notice. Until he hung up and the line went dead.

Now, seriously. Who would have imagined my friend, who I never call, answering his phone when he sees it's me calling?

On speaker phone.

While with his family.

In a restaurant.

Oy vey.

tigers r us

My sister and her two kids are in town this week. So today I took them to the wild animal sanctuary today where there are (a running theme in my blog lately) lots of carnivores.

They aren't fucking around when it comes to tigers. They have like a billion tigers.

The, haha, cat house. These are new tigers being introduced to the sanctuary. Once they start to like their neighbors they get to be placed in an open environment. Where, hopefully, they won't kill each other. These tigers came from some facility that was shut down. They were being raised for their fur.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day. These tigers are like "fuck you non profit, I don't move around for less than $10,000 a day, raise your money some other way bitches."

Lions. "We're hanging out together because it's cold, but we don't like Ralph over there because he farts a lot." Disappointingly, lions smell like a public portable toilet. But, worse.

Okay, horrible picture, but this lion was standing around with 3 other lions when he decided to take a huge shit. Then he walked away from the group all like "Haha, smell that bitches!" My niece then recounted the time she saw an elephant pee and then shit at a zoo. And I quote: "One elephant shit is like the equivalent of what people shit in two months." The makings of an engineer because she's quantifying things? Perhaps.

Baby black bears. Yeah, I know they aren't black. But science says they're black bears and if you argue with Tony he'll spew facts at you until to freeze in the wind. The blond on the left has just fallen off those logs. The brown dude on the right is about to step into a water pond that isn't frozen. Kids, learning shit the hard way.

Oh, that's what happens when you step on thin ice. Quick, pretend you meant to do that so you could get a drink. Meanwhile blondie is about to tumble down the snow hill. Note to bear self: snow is kind of slippery.

This pic was taken in another cat house where 8 tigers rescued from a zoo that abused them are being socialized. Tiger on the left is pissed at tiger on the right, maybe because she has an exercise ball. Tiger on the right is under the hay bales shrieking like she's getting paid. Bitches starting shit and being passive aggressive. Never see THAT with humans.

 Sanctuary was a lot of fun but super cold to visit in the winter. Think I'll go back when it's warmer. I definitely recommend it for visitors. Tip: you can push them off the elevated walk way if they are annoying visitors. Pretty sure someone will eat them.

Speaking of eating:

In other news, my niece made mexican lasagna for dinner tonight under my tutelage. I let her do everything including browning the meat. It was pretty good (the lasagna). Though, I should NOT be teaching anyone to cook given my track record of ruining stoves and almost burning down apartment buildings. She also made oatmeal bars which were very good. No comment on whether she washed her hands before starting the cooking process (no). What does not kill us makes us stronger.

shit I didn't need to know about cow heads

On a related barn yard animal topic, I would like to mention a recent disturbing discovery.

In 2007 I was dating a guy who had a friend who was super rich because he designed the chairs used in the fast food place Chipotle. I had never heard of, much less been to, Chipotle so the dude I was dating insisted we go there post haste.

Initially I ordered a vegetarian burrito, which sucked. So the next time we went there he suggested I have the barbacoa burrito. It was good.

During the barbecuing of my egg rolls last week a conversation ensued between my friend, who is an amazing cook, and this red head dude (who can supposedly steal souls because he's a redhead) who does some great shit with game meat that he shoots himself and apparently drags out of the woods for miles with his dog named Doc who's never had sex (I know this because I watched him have "not have sex sex" with a female lab named Norma (after Marilyn Monroe)).

The conversation was about the soul stealer's new recipe for barbacoa beef made in a slow cooker (my friend and soul stealer are both foodies who talk non stop about food when they aren't talking about sex, motorcycles, and sex, oh, did I mention sex already, then, um, the third thing they talk about is micro brews).

I told my friend "you should totally get that recipe!" (for the barbacoa beef, not sex)

because I thought I liked barbacoa beef.

When I mentioned the need to procure the recipe again on Saturday (friend's initial response: "I cook you all kinds of shit and now you're telling me to get a recipe from a soul stealer?") someone mentioned that barbacoa is beef cheeks.

Not cow ass cheeks. Like. Their. Fucking. Cheeks. On their faces cheeks.

Who THE FUCK eats ANYONE'S cheeks?????? Besides SERIAL MURDERERS.

(fish excepted, they're just fucking fish, fish cheeks are good)

Apparently me.

Aforementioned so called friend had told me, when I asked about where on the cow was barbacoa beef, since he seems to have the anatomy down about all animals and what the parts you can eat are called, and I quote:

"Barbacoa is just a style of cooking beef. It's just steak with seasoning."

And then he took me out for some barbacoa tacos.

Which sucks because I was like "Bastard! You ordered me cow face tacos!" and he was like "And you loved them!"

I don't think I'm a serial murderer.

But, don't ask me to babysit your kids.

chickens and pigs

My group at work is using the scrum method to do some major reorganization. Basically scrum means you have 30 days to do a bunch of work and deliver stuff at the end of the 30 days instead of doing the normal project thing which is to dick around for 6 months and not get anything done. We'll see if it works.

There's a concept in scrum of chickens and pigs. It all stems from this stupid joke:

A Pig and a Chicken are walking down the road.

The Chicken says: "Hey Pig, I was thinking we should open a restaurant!"

Pig replies: "Hm, maybe, what would we call it?"

The Chicken responds: "How about 'ham-n-eggs'?"

The Pig thinks for a moment and says: "No thanks. I'd be committed, but you'd only be involved!"

Um, yeah. I don't get it either. But it bugs the shit out of me because I have to sit in 3 hour meetings where people talk about pigs and chickens. Some software person will burn in hell for scrum.

So to make things more interesting to myself I had the following exchange with my scrum team:

Team Member 1: So, the pig will be signing off on the...
me: Excuse me. Is there a kosher version of scrum? I find the reference to pork offensive.
TM 1: Well, um, see the pig is supposed to...
TM 2 (from India): I don't like pork either. It's definitely offensive.
TM 1: Well maybe we could use goat instead.
me: I'm also a vegetarian.

And that's why we now use turnips and carrots instead of pigs and chickens. Fuck you who ever came up with scrum.