the hardest way to get a new vacuum

FH and I were going to go skiing today, but decided there wasn't enough good snow to not fuck up my new AT skis. And we were thinking to take out the dirt bikes (one of his friends lent me his dirt bike) but we decided to wait until tomorrow to go.

So instead of doing something "dangerous" we thought to do a hike at Roxborough. The park was so crowded that they had stopped letting people in (I'm happy for the park but sad for myself...I miss the old days of going there on the weekends and being practically the only one there). We headed to Mt. Falcon for a mellow hike.

We were about a mile from the car finishing our hike when I heard something that I thought was birds rustling in the bushes. Suddenly FH grabbed me and pushed me backward. I was like "I wonder what the fuck he's doing????" and then he said "RATTLESNAKE!"

I didn't see it at first reminding me of the old saying "if it was a snake it would have bitten you". Under the shadow of a bush not 2 feet from where we standing was a not very large but VERY aggressive rattlesnake. I was like "seriously fucker, there's snow on the ground!" Maybe that's why he was in such a bad mood. He lunged at us and then rattled like he was getting paid to make noise (maybe a stint on fox news next - hee). If it hadn't been for FH's superhuman reflexes I'm sure I would have gotten bitten.

what ever you cranky asspipe - go bite yourself and fuck off

Most of the snakes I've encountered in the wild (rattle or otherwise) back the fuck off once I back off. But this guy was standing his ground and biting at the air and generally being a cranky fuck for brains who wouldn't get off the trail. I was frozen but FH was calmly snapping pictures.

"What should we do?" I asked, thinking that if it was by myself I'd hike the long 5 miles back to the car rather than try to get past the snake. The trail was narrow with a steep drop off on the non-snake side. Plus, I didn't want to get bit and then have to hike a mile back to the car.

We talked about options and ended up with an idea to jump onto a boulder directly opposite the snake (with the idea that it couldn't bite us that high off the ground) and then to jump from the boulder to the trail, landing as far from the snake as possible. With my zombie knee I'm not really a jumper so I was like "hm". We decided I should go first in case something happened. It took me a minute or two to make the moves but we both managed to get past the snake.

When we got back to the car my hands were still shaking. But, I didn't hyperventilate or cry the way I used to do (guess I'm losing my fear of snakes even though experts have failed to give good advice - perhaps my middle east dream was correct).

I think FH felt really sorry for me because I've been asking him to get a new vacuum for the past month (his doesn't work as well as mine and I've been bringing mine over to his house). On the way home he said "Let's go get a new vacuum."

I've already vacuumed the house and the garage with it

Not happy about the snake encounter, but I'm very happy about the new vacuum!

my blackberry is as fucked as my dreams

Last night I had a dream that FH and I were walking through some scary woods looking for a serial murderer. We saw a couple we know, J and C, laying under a tree on a moving blanket. C, the male member of the couple, was, inexplicably, wearing large horn rimmed glasses.

We asked what they were doing and they said they were camping in the woods and planned to sleep there. I was like "dudes, there's a serial murderer somewhere in the woods!" But C was like "look at all the pretty flowers!" and ignored me (not that a guy ignoring a woman when she's talking is something novel).

While everyone was looking at the flowers I noticed a fat bald guy in a white wife beater and beige polyester pants wandering towards us. I realized he was the serial murderer. I was like "look, it's the murderer and he's come to kill J and C!"

Then I woke up.

It was 430 in the morning. FH was awake, doing work (he wakes up throughout the night to "check on things" at his software company). I told him about my dream and he was like "hm, that's interesting". I fell back to sleep and the dream started again, except that J and C were gone. The murderer was still there. He walked by us and as he did FH said "you're a fucking fat ass". The murderer started chasing us through the woods. As we ran I was like "I can't believe we're going to get murdered in the woods because you called him a fucking fat ass!" Then I woke up.

I tried to tell FH about my second dream but he was still working. I fell back to sleep again and this time dreamed that FH's dogs had come down with a virus that turned them into zombies. The only way to cure them was to feed them little vitamin c pills. The dogs didn't want to take the pills and kept biting us then running away and hiding. Suddenly a tiny grey dog about the size of my hand ran into the house and said "I'll take vitamin c! I love vitamin c!" FH picked up the little dog and said "you're my new favorite dog! you're the best dog in the world!"

As he held the dog I noticed there was something wrong with the dog's face. As I looked closer I realized what it was. "FH, that's not a dog, that's a talking sock!" I said.

Then I woke up (the alarm went off).

As fucked up as my dreams were it's nothing in comparison to how fucked up my blackberry is. I tried to update the software because I can't receive emails anymore and I couldn't fix the problem. My blackberry has thrown more errors than the crap software I used to write. I'm hoping I can restore it otherwise I'm phoneless and I'm not sure the fuckwits at verizon will be able to fix it since they can't even get my billing statements right.

Ech.

so much irony, so little time

I came into the office today because I'm having dry wall work done at my house and didn't want noise in the background while I was doing a very important presentation this morning.

Literally 5 minutes after my presentation began a guy showed up with a bucket opposite my cube...

...and started doing dry wall work.

one hopes the holes were not caused by someone's head

You will have guessed of course -> my dry wall guy didn't show up.

Perhaps I should take the rest of the week off.