jake the snake

After doing a 30 mile bike ride on Tuesday, crunched up on Max Crash, I started thinking maybe it was time for a change.

When I bought Max in 2003 I planned on only trail riding. I was between a medium and large frame and the saleswoman suggested going with the medium frame because it would be better for riding trails. Of course, she also sold me these time pedals that caused me to almost kill myself.

After dislocating my shoulder and taking all the skin off my arms and legs after falling into a ravine I never quite got my groove back for riding hard trails. And after fracturing both of my wrists two years ago I stopped riding trails altogether. I've just been using Max to go out for long rides, and he's not the most comfortable little machine for that. I was starting to think ragbrai might turn into the biggest suck ever.

Since I'm getting money back on my taxes my dad, who is the cheapest person on the planet, suggested I buy a new bike. Then someone sent me a picture of a cyclocross bike. A few hours later, after sitting in conference call hell all day, I decided to go to a store and see what was up with the cyclocrosses.

Apparently it's not the "season" for them. Like, what is that? It's a bike, not a bathing suit. But the guy assured me he could order me a bike. I decided to go with the Kona Major Tom since that was what was recommended to me. A flurry of activity then ensued. The sales guy whipped out a tape measure and started measuring me while the store owner did some calculations. They didn't have a bike in the store that they could size me to, and they were going to have to order Major Tom, and they wanted to make sure they got the right size bike. Or so the sales guy claimed as he was measuring my inseam.

"You're all legs, ha ha!" the owner said after commenting on the disparity between my torso and my legs. He got an even bigger laugh about the length of my arms. I'm very self conscious about my arms, and you will never see a picture of me with my arms hanging straight because they are totally disproportionate to my torso and I look like an ape. Just when it seemed I couldn't be humiliated any more they put me on a scale. I was like why would my weight matter for a bike and the owner said "I just wanted to see how much you weighed". Ha. Ha. Ha.

Unfortunately Kona did not have the Major Jake in stock in my size. They said it would be at least 8 weeks until they could deliver the bike. At that point I was already upset to not be taking a new bike home. They told me the only thing they had in my size was Jake the Snake, which is a lesser bike than Major Jake. I was disappointed until I saw that JSnake was almost the same color as Max Crash.

I texted my dad and said that I was about to buy a bike that is probably worth more than my car. He said "buy it!!!!!" I was like maybe I should think about it and he was like "buy it for fuck's sake!!!" I've been talking to him for at least 4 years about buying a road bike.

So I bought JSnake. The store owner listened patiently as I told him how much I dislike snakes. I asked if I would be able to run over snakes with Jake the Snake. He furrowed his brow in all seriousness and said "hmmm, I don't know". Then he said "but you're really going to love this bike!"

The brightest minds don't work in bike shops, I think.

So JSnake is supposed to arrive on Tuesday. My ticket has priority so JSnake is getting put together on arrival. I might have him by Wednesday. My dad called me a few minutes after I left the bike shop to find out what I bought. He's jealous. I wonder if he's going to buy a new bike before ragbrai.

I worry about Max Crash. I don't want him to be sad. Maybe I'll start trail riding again. He can't complain about not getting used though. That bike has a lot of miles on it. There was a time, after I finished school and before I started traveling all the time, when I would ride between 30 to 60 miles a day. I like riding. It makes me not think about anything because I have to watch out for snakes to run over. I've spent more time with Max than any boyfriend I've ever had.

And I've been thinking. The company I work for sucks. So maybe I'll try to find a job local that's close enough that I can ride JSnake there. Then take Max out for a spin when I get home. Then everyone would be happy, most of all me.

So Andy, if you're reading this, I might make the ALS ride this year. Wouldn't that be a shock.