- Shoes I bought last year - I needed them for work, or at least the three times I went into my office. Otherwise I work from home and wear socks but in the interest of not being greedy I just want the shoe write off. Besides, have you seen the latest designs for the Adidas Sequence running shoe? Awful. They should be deductible.
- Beggin strips - Chihuahuas are kind of like a charity group since they are always unemployed. And if you give a chihuahua a beggin strip he will usually stop being a public menace for at least the 5 seconds it takes to eat the beggin strip.
- Ski equipment - I think about work and solving world hunger and shit while I'm skiing. So that should be an office or charity expense.
- Wine - I think about those things when I'm drinking as well. Or this could be a medical expense.
- Cleaning products - It's like research and development for house cleaning since I finally fired my maids for breaking shit. And mops are getting expensive these days. Yeah, maybe I do have an excessive number of mops (5) but each has a special functionality that I identified as part of my research and so I need them all.
- Any anyway it's not like I get any recognition for my mopping abilities so I should get a tax write off.
- Pizzas I've ordered - Obviously an office expense.
- Groceries - Since I can't cook and every meal I've made with the aforementioned groceries is inedible I should get to write them off as "research and development".
- Soda stream - Making my own sodas is reducing waste on the planet, keeps me from having to go to the grocery store to buy cokes, and it doesn't require electricity, so it's like an "energy efficient" thing that I should get a deduction for.
- Not procreating - How come having a kid gives you a tax write off? Kids cost a lot of money and use up tax revenue for their schools and stuff. I should get money back for not having any kids.
- Dinners with people I don't like - Sometimes you invite a couple W and X to dinner, and they invite their friends Y and Z who are obnoxious assholes that like to air their marital discord in public. Or sometimes you talk to people at a party and they seem cool and then you invite them to dinner and realize that they are actually semi brain dead and unable to converse on topics that require more than 5 working brain cells. That is definitely a work dinner.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
things I should be able to write off on taxes
Since other special interest groups get some crazy tax write offs (writing off purchased desserts as "research and development") I thought maybe I, a special interest group of one, should get some tax write offs too.
Monday, March 3, 2014
a film critic's reaction to the Oscars
NOTE: the author of this post did not watch the Oscars, has not seen any of the movies nominated, and is channeling a chihuahua.
A review of the Oscar winning films by Mr. Nuts.
Dallas Buyer's Club: "I would have thought this movie worthy of an Oscar if it was about buying bacon. Otherwise I'm not sure why anyone would want to see this film."
Twelve Years a Slave: "I was hoping to see more cat chases by chihuahuas. And then after the chihuahuas catch the cats, they also catch some squirrels. And then they are fed steak and bacon. For those reasons I found the movie not very believable or reflective of real life and didn't really enjoy it so was shocked it won an Oscar."
Blue Jasmine: "Were those ladies carrying bacon around in their purses? If so, I liked it. If not, I didn't like it."
Frozen: "This movie made me sad because it made me think of frozen bacon, which is difficult (but not impossible) to eat."
Gravity: "Why would anyone want to go into outer space? There's no bacon."
20 Feet from Stardom: "I think this movie would have won more awards if it had been about being 20 feet from bacon."
...and the rumors are true! Mr. Nuts was asked to host next year's Oscars. Unfortunately, he won't be able to because he'll be busy eating bacon.
A review of the Oscar winning films by Mr. Nuts.
 |
| film critic, lamb lover, and chihuahua |
Twelve Years a Slave: "I was hoping to see more cat chases by chihuahuas. And then after the chihuahuas catch the cats, they also catch some squirrels. And then they are fed steak and bacon. For those reasons I found the movie not very believable or reflective of real life and didn't really enjoy it so was shocked it won an Oscar."
Blue Jasmine: "Were those ladies carrying bacon around in their purses? If so, I liked it. If not, I didn't like it."
Frozen: "This movie made me sad because it made me think of frozen bacon, which is difficult (but not impossible) to eat."
Gravity: "Why would anyone want to go into outer space? There's no bacon."
20 Feet from Stardom: "I think this movie would have won more awards if it had been about being 20 feet from bacon."
...and the rumors are true! Mr. Nuts was asked to host next year's Oscars. Unfortunately, he won't be able to because he'll be busy eating bacon.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
a rogue bassonist at the symphony
On friday night FH and I went to see There Will Be Beethoven at the Colorado Symphony. Granted, we haven't had the best of luck attending events there (I went to see swan lake there a few years ago and a woman sitting at the end of my row puked all over the place - yes, she was drunk - and when we went to the opera we had technical difficulties). But FH is a big fan of radiohead so we decided to take our chances.
The first part of the symphony was a replay of the score from There Will Be Blood. It's very dramatic and the conductor had the musicians pause for what felt like, to me, an excruciating amount of time between movements. We were seated between two elderly couples, which was fine, except that I was a little nervous about the drama of the music and the fact that, as we were entering the building, an ambulance was taking an elderly guy out who had apparently had a heart attack.
In any case, the second movement had just finished with a huge drum roll crash bang and the resonance of the music was hanging in the air when I heard a loud "BRUMP!" I turned to FH to ask what instrument had made the noise (I don't know that much about music) and realized, by his expression, that it was fart.
Now I admit to laughing at farts. The problem was there was dead silence in the room and I didn't want to make a scene. But not being able to laugh just makes me laugh harder. I managed to stifle my laugh for about a second and then made a noise that probably sounded like I was choking on my own tongue. Luckily the music started again and I buried my face in FH's arm. Just as I got my (silent) laughter under control the man sitting next to me burped and his wife, sitting next to him, let out three more farts. Just when I thought it couldn't get any funnier she pulled out a bottle of beano and took a few, with water.
By intermission I had stopped (silently) laughing but suggested to FH that we move to an empty row behind us. I couldn't sit next to that couple any longer because their digestive issues were distracting. As the first movement of the Beethoven symphony started I settled back to enjoy the music.
...and would have been fine EXCEPT that, at the end of the second movement, FH looked over at the farting woman, and put his fist in the air and pumped it, like we used to do as kids to get truck drivers to honk their horns at us. I'd never seen anyone use the hand signal for "let it rip" at the symphony before so that made me (silently) laugh all over again. I pinched FH on the arm pretty hard, and he didn't do anything else the rest of the symphony.
It was a nice evening all things considered, and the symphony was surprisingly not crowded, which ended up being a good thing because if I hadn't been able to switch seats I don't know what would have happened. On the walk home I laughed the entire time and FH lamented the number of cheap mexican restaurants around the Denver Performing Arts complex.
The first part of the symphony was a replay of the score from There Will Be Blood. It's very dramatic and the conductor had the musicians pause for what felt like, to me, an excruciating amount of time between movements. We were seated between two elderly couples, which was fine, except that I was a little nervous about the drama of the music and the fact that, as we were entering the building, an ambulance was taking an elderly guy out who had apparently had a heart attack.
In any case, the second movement had just finished with a huge drum roll crash bang and the resonance of the music was hanging in the air when I heard a loud "BRUMP!" I turned to FH to ask what instrument had made the noise (I don't know that much about music) and realized, by his expression, that it was fart.
Now I admit to laughing at farts. The problem was there was dead silence in the room and I didn't want to make a scene. But not being able to laugh just makes me laugh harder. I managed to stifle my laugh for about a second and then made a noise that probably sounded like I was choking on my own tongue. Luckily the music started again and I buried my face in FH's arm. Just as I got my (silent) laughter under control the man sitting next to me burped and his wife, sitting next to him, let out three more farts. Just when I thought it couldn't get any funnier she pulled out a bottle of beano and took a few, with water.
By intermission I had stopped (silently) laughing but suggested to FH that we move to an empty row behind us. I couldn't sit next to that couple any longer because their digestive issues were distracting. As the first movement of the Beethoven symphony started I settled back to enjoy the music.
...and would have been fine EXCEPT that, at the end of the second movement, FH looked over at the farting woman, and put his fist in the air and pumped it, like we used to do as kids to get truck drivers to honk their horns at us. I'd never seen anyone use the hand signal for "let it rip" at the symphony before so that made me (silently) laugh all over again. I pinched FH on the arm pretty hard, and he didn't do anything else the rest of the symphony.
It was a nice evening all things considered, and the symphony was surprisingly not crowded, which ended up being a good thing because if I hadn't been able to switch seats I don't know what would have happened. On the walk home I laughed the entire time and FH lamented the number of cheap mexican restaurants around the Denver Performing Arts complex.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
