Friday, April 27, 2012

desperate times call for desparate measures

In the interest of forging ahead with my book (thanks to all at the pitch fest who sent words of encouragement! I super appreciate it!!!!!!!) I've been up to a few things this week.

1. I made some more edits to the colossal cringle crisp caper and am looking for kid's book contests.
2. I found a magazine that's having a writing contest and I'm going to enter my gimps on rock story. Chance of publication is probably a little larger than zero, but that's okay.
3. I met a woman at digifest this weekend who's a retired editor from Random House (she moved here from NYC last year to take care of her mom). I was talking to her about my memoir and she said she is also working on a memoir and was approached by an agent that she decided not to go with (she got an A list agent instead which would be impossible for me as an unknown writer). Anyway, she thinks that agent might be interested in me. So when she gets back from a trip she's on I am supposed to send her my query letter and a sample chapter, which she will pass on to a friend who's still at Random House, hoping that friend will then pass my work onto the agent.

Crazy, I know. Don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up that this will be anything more than another trip down the rabbit hole.

But if I don't go I'll never know what could have happened...

Thursday, April 26, 2012

the STUPIDEST english word EVER

As usual, the only person in my four person unit that does anything for the common areas is me. I asked the guy next door to schedule for someone to come out and turn on the sprinklers (since he had to be home because he's the only one without keypad entry to his backyard and I don't want to try to coordinate between him and the lawn service). You would have thought I asked him to build me a replica of the Titanic with pixie sticks.

He's also the supreme douche fuck who sent me a nasty email about traveling too much. And the guy who's dogs barked so much that I seriously considered kidnapping them.

Anyway, we need someone to cut our common area grass because the two guys who own lawn mowers refuse to spend 10 minutes every other week cutting it. I started looking for a contractor on craig's list because if I didn't do it no one would.

I found a guy who offered us a rate of $45 (ridiculous) to cut our grass bi-weekly (in our discussion, that was every two weeks). I sent an email out to the HOA members asking what they thought. Douche responded back "we don't need our grass cut twice a week". I was like "I know, it's for every two weeks". He responded "So you mean BI-MONTHLY instead of BI-WEEKLY".

Now, I've been using the term "bi-weekly" for a long time. And it's always meant "every other week". So I was going to send him a link to dictionary.com to show him he was wrong. Instead I found this:

bi-weekly

adjective

occurring every two weeks.

occurring twice a week; semiweekly.

noun

a periodical issued every other week.

adverb

every two weeks.

twice a week.

What kind of stupid fucking shit is THAT? A word that can mean the opposite of its meaning?

Someone should fix that.

but she has a key to my house, and may knife me in my sleep

Today I learned a valuable lesson.

I've been avoiding my friend, who is also my hairdresser, because I was afraid she would flip the fuck out about my deva haircut that I got from someone that wasn't her.

But she invited me to lunch today, and I decided to 'fess up. I said I would meet her for lunch and then admitted I had gotten my hair cut somewhere else. I thought I would mention it to her in email to prepare her, and to give her an opportunity to tell me to go fuck myself and not meet her for lunch after all.

But she ended up doing some research on deva, and was so impressed with my hair she said she's going to get her hair cut at Voila when she gets back from a trip she's taking to Sri Lanka.

Huh. Not the reaction I expected at all.

But I'm glad I told her and I'm glad she's not mad at me. And she said I've been a really good friend to her and helped her through some tough times.

So. Go me!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

just add boobs and, what the hell, some dinosaurs

Me (in an email to my family about my book getting rejected):

Rejected.

My brother Steve:

This isn’t bad news. He is saying she liked your book but it has a narrow audience focus. So if you can expand your audience then they are interested, otherwise look for someone that deals in a niche. So what can you do to expand your audience? Get a camera crew to follow you around anywhere, doing anything or add in a lot of research and background material to draw the reader in and make them care about you or your situation.

Me:

I could add a villain who is also part zombie. Or take out all the pictures of my knee and replace them with naked women.

Steve:

Maybe you could get trapped under a boulder and cut your knee out with a broken Leatherman. Zombie are overdone these days, I think dinosaurs are due for a comeback. How about you bleed onto a fossil and it comes to life.

He's so pragmatic. Meanwhile my Uncle Joe did some research and found a publishing company that publishes books like mine. I'm going to get my submission in to them tomorrow.

rejected!

Random House passed on my book:

Dear Franki:

Thanks for letting us take a look at your material. As a runner with a bum knee, I read this with interest and found it quite riveting, not to mention harrowing.

A few people read with interest but ultimately it was decided that this book might better reach its target audience with a more specialized publisher with a greater outreach to the fitness community.

I did enjoy this look, and I wish you all the best with this.

Oh well. Maybe he'll (the editor who rejected me) have some ideas on where else to send my book.

Asian steampunk meets pirate. That knife is very sharp. I asked if he used it in the kitchen to chop onions and he looked at me like he thought I was really stupid.