puffins

Today I was having a conversation with a colleague about the movie Four Lions and I accidentally said "penguin" instead of "puffin".

Me: blah blah blah penguin
C: you mean puffin
Me: what, are you an expert on puffins now? do you own a puffin?
C: no, and now I realize why I have this empty space in my life, it's because I don't have a puffin
Me: I could draw you a puffin, I am quite the artist
C: great, a non-interactive puffin, how will a piece of paper participate on social media?

So I went back to my cube and drew a puffin with a conversation bubble coming out of it's mouth that said "sorry I have asperger's". He put it next to his monitor. And I'm still laughing about it.

from a creature great to a creature small (and annoying)

On Saturday I was working in my back yard and some crack head fucking squirrel went into my garage. It took me forever to get him out and he was scaring me because he was running around on the garage beams right above my head and I didn't want it to jump on me and bite me causing me to have to get rabies shots.

Then last night I got home from work to find a mess in my garage. Things were knocked over, paper was shredded, and my favorite spray bottle was on the floor. At first I thought someone had broken into my garage.

I realized, after seeing some wiring that was chewed all to shit that was hanging out of a plastic storage container on a high shelf that it was a squirrel. I was like "that's fucking great" and I took the broom and started poking around at the stuff on my shelves and the dark space behind the shelves. I was pretty pissed because it was late, I was tired, and I wanted to work out, not look for a squirrel.

I left the door open, went into my house, changed, and went back out to the garage. I figured in the 10 minutes that had elapsed the stupid squirrel would have left my garage. I pulled the container with the chewed up wires down so I could clean up what ever mess was in it. I would mention I had shaken the container three times before pulling it down.

Right as the container was sliding off the shelf a fucking squirrel jumped out. It was headed towards my face so I looked down and it landed on my head. Then it scampered off to hide behind a plastic wardrobe where I keep my skis and stuff.

I didn't want to drive to Ace hardware to get a cage to trap it so I texted my dad. He first suggested I get Bentley to take care of the squirrel, and then suggested I use the hose to scare the squirrel out of hiding. I hooked up the hose and sprayed the crap out of every conceivable squirrel hiding place.

I didn't see the squirrel leave but this morning there was no more garage destruction. So I guess it's gone. Meanwhile, this weekend I'm cleaning the garage out and reconfiguring it so squirrels have nowhere to hide.

Fucking squirrels. I hate you.

and now for some big news - I bought a tiger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and was bitten by a bear

I was contemplating getting a pet. I was thinking to get a dog, but then was also thinking about how I've always wanted a tiger.

And...a tiger is tax deductible, won't poop in my yard, and won't get hair all over the place.

Dog - 0            Tiger - 1

I spent months researching sanctuaries. I finally found one I like, outside Colorado Springs. And then I found my perfect tiger.
 

So, you might think I'm bias, but I think Bentley is the best looking tiger in the sanctuary, if not the world :) I toured the sanctuary today and then hung out with Bentley for an hour. He did a lot of cute things.

He's two years old, 6 feet tall, and they guess he weighs about 500 lbs (obviously it's hard to weigh a tiger). He's not on the normal sanctuary tour because he's shy and usually doesn't come out when people are around but he came right up to the fence when I got there. He even chuffed at me a few times. Chuffing is how tigers talk to each other and it sounds like they are grunting but also growling. It's kind of hard to explain...

Bentley was just chilling out under his structure when I first arrived

I was like "hey Bentley" and surprisingly he came over

 

Bentley having a discussion with his neighbor - he was probably like "yeah, I got adopted biotch!" and his neighbor was like "she's too skinny to eat, fuck her!"

I was telling Bentley about Bringing Up Baby and he was like "yeah, that's pretty accurate tiger behavior"

Here I asked Bentley if he ever watches tiger documentaries and he's like "I'm too cool for school - no"

I mentioned to him that tigers can't eat pizza or sushi - he seemed upset at first but in the end was okay with that

Bentley's brother is to the right - I hate to say it but Bentley's better looking

I don't care if he was stretching because I was boring him - he's too adorable

this is him giving me his "fierce" look

here I asked him to give me the "tiger" look

I have a phone meeting with the experience director to decide on some toys for him. I definitely want to get him a ball in ball toy (it's a round doughnut looking thing that has holes and a small ball within the doughnut area and the tiger can bat the inner ball around via the holes - according to my research it's a favorite among tigers) and a ball with bells in it (tigers like toys that make sounds). Most of the tigers just have 16 lb bowling balls. They love bowling balls for some reason. 

As for feeding...Bentley is served a frozen meat brick. They chuck the meat bricks over the fence. The fence is really high. I need more time on my rower to build up my arm strength. Not sure how to improve my aim, I don't want to hit Bentley with a meat brick. Tigers can eat up to 60 lbs of meat in one sitting. That's a lot of meat to chuck over a 20 ft fence.

I can go see Bentley when ever I want (within reason), I just have to call and schedule it. The meet and greet (my brother Bob wanted to ensure it wasn't a "Meat and Greet") means you can get close to Bentley but you can't touch the fence or him. There are very strict laws regarding the handling of wild animals for any organization that wants an accreditation. You aren't allowed to handle wild animals after they are three months old because it could endanger the animal or the person. I'll be going out to see him at least once a month (honestly, probably more often if they let me).

After visiting Bentley the guide, Kristy, asked if I wanted to play with a 3 month old black bear. Um, YES!!!! 

Little did I know. She kept climbing into my lap and her (not retractable) claws are pretty sharp. She also climbed up my leg which was more painful than I would have imagined (baby bears like to climb everything taller than them, including people and other bears). 

The handler told me not to put my face anywhere near the bear's face but it was kind of hard to control the bear. Imagine a toddler on a double dose of crack cocaine washed down with a case of red bull and that's the energy level of a baby bear. The little scamp even bit me on the hand. After 5 minutes I was like "okay, done with the bear".

But I might buy her too...

Here comes trouble...with claws..and teeth

She wanted to sit in my lap. Given her weight she wasn't exactly a lap bear (she's heavier than she looks). And she wanted to eat my necklace.

And my phone...

Here she's trying to jump from my lap to the floor

since the handler had my phone she decided to eat the phone holder...kind of cool to have a phone holder with bear bite marks

 More Bentley (and maybe bears) coming soon...

asian bondage

I went to the shibari art show, knotty by nature, last night. Yawn.

The women getting tied up hung from this. Errol's wife was like "fuck that, let the guy get tied up and hang from a beam".

This is the only picture I took for this art show - I didn't want to put naked women on my blog.

The best part of the show was getting to meet more neighbors and Errol's wife, who works in Hollywood casting commercials and stuff. We were kindred spirits who both found the bondage shit insulting to women (we walked out during the first performance). We stood in the front courtyard and talked about a lot of things from the penal system to health care.

The performers had to take an hour break between sets (I assume it's quite exhausting to be tied up and hung) so a bunch of people from the show joined Errol's wife and I in the courtyard. One woman asked why we left and when we told her it was insulting she said "You have to be very dominant to allow yourself to be submissive" and I was like "what bullshit" and Errol's wife said "do you really believe that?"

Errol and his wife have lived in this neighborhood since 1984. She told me about planting petunias in her front yard while worrying about being shot. Her place kept getting tagged so she stopped some gang members on the street one day and asked them to stop. The next day she went outside to find a beautiful unicorn spray painted on the front of the building. Unfortunately the city painted over it before she could ask them to save it.

There was an almost full moon last night, which was nice. As people left the courtyard to watch the rest of the show, and I got ready to walk home since I had to get up early today, 20 scooters drove down the street. It's hard to explain but it had a magical feel to it, like seeing phosphorous in the ocean.

I'm sure I'll be hanging out with Errol's wife again. She said I could stop by any time to visit.