zombie and lego man

On Wednesday night I had a nightmare that the fake serial murderer consultant I work with had turned into a zombie. His eyes were robotic looking with red half moons under them the color of blood. His arms had been replaced with really long dish washing gloves.

And somehow he managed to turn the project manager into a lego man. I was panicking about the PM being made of legos so I started building a spreadsheet figuring I could put some formulas in it that would turn the PM back into a person. The consultant-turned-zombie kept slapping my arms with his dishwasher glove arms trying to make me mess up as I was typing.

I had just gotten the last formula in the spreadsheet and was about to turn the PM back into a person when the consultant threw up on my head. The vomit hardened and I couldn't move. I woke up in a panic.

So, Thursday, I got an email from the consultant asking me if I wanted to take charge of some shit job. I was in an all day class so I responded...

Me:

I'm in class all day and will have to deal with this tomorrow. Also, I had a nightmare last night that we were in an IT meeting and you threw up on my head.

Consultant:

Hmm… how should I interpret that…? 

…I’m causing extra work for you by asking the wrong questions…

…you don’t think I can take my beer…

?

 

Me:

You were a zombie and had turned [the PM] into legos. I was trying to turn him back to human using a spreadsheet and you were trying to stop me by covering me in slime vomit.

Consultant:
Hmm more connections… I was in a mall at the weekend and spent too long in the Lego store wondering if I was too old to start buying it again…

I am so psychic.
 

snake redux

Back in March I sent an email to a snake expert who had a cool snake trap on his web site (as well as a picture of a snake pooping):

Me:
> I am terrified of snakes but am trying to get over my phobia by learning
> more about them. I really liked your web site! There was a lot of useful
> information. And that yellow snake trap is very cool. Though, I live in the
> city and don't have a use for one.
>
> Snake poop pictures were gross but at the same time it was interesting to
> see how a snake poops.
>
> I did have a quick question, if you have time. I live in Denver and spend a
> lot of time outdoors in an area that has a lot of rattle snakes (Roxborough
> State Park). One day I was walking on a narrow trail that had a lot of brush
> on either side of it. I heard a rattle, panicked, and ran (my friend, who
> was walking behind me, swears it was a rattle snake). If that happens again
> should I not run? In elementary school I remember reading a story about
> snakes that said you should stand still until the snake leaves. But if
> you're afraid of snakes that's kind of hard to do.
>
> Stay safe with those snakes!

He finally responded back to me today:
 >Yeah, don't run.  But you can walk away.

Not hugely helpful. But at least he didn't offer to introduce me to a live snake.

terrorists of stupid - TSA

I was almost kicked out of the denver airport today for arguing with a tsa agent. Why, you might ask.

She said I couldn't bring a container of salt-baking soda (for my neti pot) in my carry on because it was over 3 ounces (actually, I think the container is 3 ounces but it isn't marked with the volume and apparently they can't eyeball a container and guess how many ounces it is).

She then said salt is classified as a "cream" when I pointed out to her that the container was not full of liquid or a gel.

?????????????????

For real. Guess they don't give IQ tests to those dudes before they hire them. I kept asking her to open the container to see that it was just salt and baking soda but she refused to open it and then yelled at me when I tried to open it. I explained that I fly through Denver almost EVERY FUCKING WEEK with the container and she said "this rule has been in place for a long time, they were mistaken to let you take it through". I pointed out to her colleagues, who joined in the fray, that if they just listened to the announcement that was playing they would see there was nothing about limits on the amount of salt, just liquids and gels.

I finally talked to a manager I've met before after dealing with 4 other tsa idiots and she let me keep my salt. But not before the tsa agent tested EVERYTHING in my backpack with those bomb swabs. It took an additional 10 minutes to do that and god knows how much tax payer money since she used 10, yes, 10 swabs. She even swabbed my Harper's magazine and a paperback book. Of course, she missed the 3 ounce tube of toothpaste I hadn't taken out of my back pack before it went through the x-ray.

Ech.