new chairs!

My new chairs! I pick them up next Saturday!

my new chairs?????

I was just checking out Design Within Reach. I love that furniture store. Half my furniture is from there. And I found these chairs. Of course, they're back ordered 14 - 16 weeks...

But I really like them. I would get two of each color. They're modern looking, I think the color will accent the table nicely, and they're cool.

Here's some new pics of my table. I think the chairs will go nicely with the carpet too.

Too bad the chairs I really want cost $1,200 each. Ech.

new year is almost here...

Since I did such a crap job last year keeping my new year's resolutions (better work/life balance, making climbing a priority, spending more time socializing with friends) I've decided to get a jump start on the new year.

The first thing I did was collect all the information I need for taxes and I made myself a new budget for this year. My goal is to pay my house off in less than 10 years so I can have the choice of the type of job I want rather than being chained to a corporate desk to make mortgage payments. With my budget I'll pay my house off in less than 9 years. I've also upped my savings so I can retire sooner rather than later (I put 10% of my take home pay in a money market and 10% in mutual funds as well as having a credit union account with a good interest rate where I dump the left over money at the end of every month and I max out my Roth IRA on top of my 401k - the greatest joy of not dating anyone is being able to save a lot of money).

Last year I did a great job with my goal of only filling my tank up once a month. Easier for me than most since I normally just drive my car to the airport and back. But that goal made me think twice about taking trips and it forced me to consolidate errands (also, having to carry what ever you bought will greatly reduce the amount of money you spend).

I applied for a bunch of jobs local to Denver yesterday and already was contacted by a recruiter. Fingers crossed. I'm frankly sick of busting my ass. Really, how many people out there could handle my travel schedule AND be skilled enough to do my job? 8 in the US or at least that's how many of us are left at my company. When I get a local job I'm going back to pilates and long bike rides and climbing. I'm tired of spending my evenings in a Holiday Inn located off some noisy highway working.

I also decided this year that I'm NOT going to contribute money to any charities that didn't send me a receipt for the contributions I made this year. Okay, if I donated $20 I can understand a non-profit being lax about sending me a receipt (further, I would hate for them to spend the money to do that). But if I contribute over $200 I expect at least an email acknowledging that you took my money. I contribute 7% of my after tax salary to charities and the ones that can't keep their paperwork straight will get nothing because I wasted 4 hours today trying to find canceled checks for the jokers that didn't email me a receipt.

Since I quit smoking I'm back in the groove with my versa climber which is the perfect antidote to cold weather. I'm easing myself back into my routine (last time I did two days of workouts that were 30 minutes and the next day I decided to do 60 minutes and my knee swelled up like a pregnant cat). Though in theory I'm not allowed to use my versa climber any more because of my knee I think if I don't go totally insane the first month or so I'll be fine. And I'm going back to my old routine of hitting the gym the second I get back to my hotel room. I've gotten into a bad habit of answering emails before the gym and that meant by the time I worked out I was already tired.  Why should I sacrifice my workout because some idiot isn't intelligent enough to check my schedule to see if I'm available for an engagement  and thus requires me to respond back to him by email?

Finally, I've been working on my cooking skills and socializing skills. I spent an hour today over at my neighbor Pat's house and conned her into helping me with my yard next year (which, if all goes as planned, will be easy to take care of because I'll actually be home). Then I saw my neighbor Carol who just got back from Costa Rica. And then I went for a walk with my friend Cam when she got off work. We found a new little shop that sells stuff that came from other people's houses, what ever those are called, not thrift store...what ever they're called. They had a ton of books that are only ten cents each. Though I love Tattered Cover I can't keep spending $100 a month on books (for the record, I read all my books - I used to use the library but with my travel schedule it's too hard to either find the time to go or return my books on time).

And I measured chairs for my new table at world market today. Didn't find the perfect chair yet. I'm really stressed about buying the wrong chairs and my friend Cam was making fun of me. I have been toying with the idea of checking out some antique stores to see what kind of chairs they have. But that would mean shopping.

I may do that. But, I really, really hate shopping. And I only have a half tank of gas to get me through to the new year and I want to do some snow shoeing in the mountains this weekend...

It's nice to have a week off to get my life back in order after so much time on the road. And to have the time to organize things so when I start traveling again I'm not stressing out. With any luck my travel days are numbered and a new cool job with a not full of crack heads company awaits.

I laugh to think how the translation engines handle me

I was just checking my page views for the week. I'm always surprised by the countries that show up. Malta? Estonia?

Very cool to be read there. And if any of my readers want me to visit their home country let me know. I've wanted to go to Malta for years. And I just did some research on Estonia. Very progressive country. And temperate. I think I would like the food there (minus the pork). The pictures on wikipedia were nice. I'll have to visit sometime.

hopefully they don't give the TSA real guns

This in from my brother Bob...

A guy brought a loaded gun through airport security. As he was attempting to show the TSA officer how to clear the gun the agent fired it.


TSA employment exam:

Q: how do you secure a weapon?
 A: fire it until it's empty

Bob also found this:

A woman was forced to remove her nipple ring, with pliers, before she was allowed to board her aircraft. This even though she had passed through the metal detector without setting it off (she was "chosen" for additional security screening). The male TSA officers were laughing as she stood behind a curtain trying to remove the nipple ring. They did not seem concerned about her belly button ring, which she was allowed to leave in.

Bob wrote: "Next they'll be asking people to remove tattoos, because all the terrorists are into body modifications".

Are they fucking serious? We need a protest movement against TSA...

really, I don't want to die

Ech. I just received this summary back from a publisher I submitted my manuscript to. I wonder if she even read past the first ten pages. This is the reason I didn't want to put that shit in about being so overwhelmed by pain that I wanted to die. Everyone reads it as if I'm some kind of psychotic suicidal idiot.

Would I let these people publish my book? Um, no.

“My Other Nine Lives” recounts Ms. Flowers’ battle to recover from a major knee-surgery that
nearly made her commit suicide.


A runner since she was eight years old, Ms. Flowers has won several long-distance races in the
span of fifteen years. Other than running, she also loves diving, white water rafting, and hiking
up the rockiest and most steep altitude she could find. She is a self-professed adventurist; even as
an engineering consultant, she would go to dangerous places others would not dare to visit.
Although a risk-taker, she never once thought that her extreme adventures could kill her, but
when it almost did, she reached the point where she wished to die—and nearly did.


It was in November of 2000 when Ms. Flowers underwent a seven-hour knee surgery. Her knee
and femur had to be restored using parts from a donor. The injury was originally caused by the
motorcycle accident she had eight years earlier that was aggravated by her extreme activities
until her knees and femur gave out.


The long, grueling, and painful months of recovery were the hardest part of Ms. Flowers’
journey. It was during this part of her life when she contemplated suicide just to end the pain she
was in after the surgery. But it was also during this time when she learned the value of things and
activities she formerly ignored. She knows that her injury will never curve her resolve to seek
and experience more adventures, but the lessons she learned from getting it will make her even
more cautious of her activities and careful of her body.


“My Other Nine Lives” might appeal to a reader interested in stories of extreme-sports
enthusiasts who recover from a serious injury."

cupcakes - national security threat or more idiocy from the gov?

Of course it's idiocy from the government:

TSA confiscated a woman's cupcake.

For those that don't travel that much, yawn, ho hum.

For those of us that do, this is one more example of the stupidity of TSA. The officer confiscated the cupcake, which had been through a security check in Logan, in Las Vegas because he said the icing was like a gel.

This is what fucking pisses me off. Be consistent. Every week that I fly it's a new challenge to see what the moron TSA officers are going to bitch about. Really, my neti pot? Or a bag of salt and baking soda? How many times are you going to over examine my wine bottle opener when there's a BIG GAPING obvious hole where the knife used to be (and a tiny knife at that - seriously, if I could kill someone with that knife I could kill them with my bare hands).

I'm pretty much over terrorists. They are only kept alive and in funding because fuck wit politicians in the US (Newt Gingrich comes to mind) keep telling us they are a threat. We have the moron shoe bomber who requires us to now take off our shoes, even flip flops. We have the terrorists of 911 who spent 10 years and millions of dollars planning the attack (of course, see above, thanks Gingrich for helping terrorists raise money by giving them legitimacy in the western press), and the bojinka plot (which failed, by the way, not because of men being alert to a bad situation, but because their boss, a woman, didn't believe the male cops who initially investigated the explosion) which was launched in 1995, yes, 1995, where a terrorist made a bomb out of liquids (of course, they didn't ban liquids on airplanes until 2006 (I remember the ban well, I was flying home from China and they threw out even my liquid Benedryl capsules). Do the math. Nine years. No bombs. Sudden panic.

If I were in charge of airline security here's what I would do:
-make sure the fuck wits in the State department weren't giving travel visas to terrorists (as they did pre-911)
-use funds to monitor known terrorists rather than treating regular US citizens as victims of a police state
-let people keep their shoes on - if your metal detectors, x-ray whirrly gig machines, and other "technology" can't pick up a bomb we're fucked anyway
-let frequent travelers (like myself) go through minimal security screening (I have a security clearance and yet I'm treated like a potential terrorist - don't even talk to me about flyclear - you have a shorter wait time in security lines - it is a total rip off
-forget the ban on liquids, it's stupid - if they were going to blow us up, they would have before the 2006 ban - think about it - even some pathetic piece of crap would have to think more than twice about blowing his or herself up mid-air in a plane

And that ends today's rant.

sometimes a gift can change your life

My brother got me a grid-it, which is super cool. I now have my backpack completely organized. It's a good idea. I don't have to fumble around any more to find all the little shit I can never find in my backpack pockets.

He also gave me this gift (the roll right top of the picture). It's seriously my favorite thing ever. It's a roll of velcro straps. I guess I have a reputation of being an organized neat freak. But if that were really true wouldn't I have known about these straps before? Of course I would have. So I'm not some neurotic person who has to have everything neat and tidy and in an exact location from which it can't be moved. Further, I did NOT just spend the past hour velcro strapping everything in my backpack, my stereo and computer wires, one of my cacti (he was developing a distinct lean), and other stuff. I am not now going through withdrawls because I've run out of things to velcro wrap.  I am NOT now contemplating braving the cold outside to see if there's anything in my car that needs a velcro wrap.

Okay, maybe I do have a problem. But at least I'm not smoking crack or engaging in some other bad habit. If anyone has anything that needs a velcro wrap let me know.

update on my dad

So, here it is 220 am MST (420 am EST) and I'm texting with my dad. Why he's up I don't know (he's on EST).

But he says the pain in his leg has been reduced a lot (80% - we engineers like to quantify things). He has his first chemo today (chemo today on top of radiation on Tuesday - extreme meds - tell me there's a climb harder than that - you're full of shit). I think he will do great.

I'm glad I have tough bad ass parents. It sets the bar.

My dad is going to kick lymphoma back to shit city. Never once since he's been diagnosed with cancer has he been like "uh oh, fuck me". I know he can do it. I just read an article in the New Yorker about placebos. Weirdly (or not) the body produces its own medicine through endorphins. This medicine can be more powerful than actual drugs. I believe this. I ran on a broken leg for 8 years without a significant amount of acknowledged pain. My dad is doing the same.

So fuck pain, cancer, and all that other shit.

We don't go down easy.

United we fly, divided I feel less stressed

I flew out this evening in the hopes of dodging a storm about to hit Rhode Island and the impending snow disaster in Denver.

My flight from TF Green to Dulles was turbulent the whole way. Not just a little turbulent. Like the plane is shaking apart at its seams and we're losing altitude in a troubling way turbulent. Screaming baby for 2 hours. Mom laughing and trying to play games with the screaming imp. Apparently she didn't bring any milk for the strong lunged 3 year old and there was no service on the plane because of the turbulence (seat belt sign was never turned off).

Then I had to make a mad run for my connection at Dulles because the fuck wits at United decided, for reasons unknown, that all the luggage had to clear the wing before we were allowed out of the plane. That took 20 minutes because they only have, apparently, 3 slap dicks unloading planes. Why this happened I can't say. Stewardess told me it was a security caution to "keep passengers from grabbing their luggage on the tarmac" (we landed at a gate where we had stairs instead of that scary suction cup to the plane thing).

The crack head stewardess on my connecting flight to Denver kept saying "welcome to flight (whatever) with service to Dulles". Dude, we are AT Dulles. I bring this up only because I and everyone who flies is flying in extreme discomfort so a stewardess who's worked for an airline for 15 years can make $100k a year plus benefits and we wonder why the airlines are losing money with planes packed. DO NOT EVEN GO THERE WITH ME. I had a friend in Colorado who was a stewardess making that much money (she quit her job because it was "too hard"). And Virginia. And Maryland.

I should be a stewardess.

The pilot warned us the landing in Denver was going to be bad before we even took off. Not a good sign. The luck of the day was that the flight left more or less on time and, when it came time for drinks service and I asked for a glass of wine even though it costs $7 and was a merlot (I'd rather lick adhesive off of an envelope than drink merlot - but believe me, after the last two days I've had, I needed a drink) the Japanese steward, who may have noticed I was reading a Murakami (Wind-Up Bird Chronicles - read it - paperback is 607 pages and I read it in a week on top of my magazines - was getting up at 530 in the morning so I would have an hour to read it before work), took my credit card after giving me a plastic bottle of wine, and said "your name is Franki?" I started to pull out my boarding pass since I had no hope of getting to my backpack which was shoved under the seat in front of me and the Polo cologne stinking fuck nut in front of me had his seat reclined. But the guy said "since your name is Franki this is free". Mazel tov.

After the plane landed (after three approaches where the pilot backed off) I had to make a mad dash 3 rows back to get my other bag. I did that successfully but was unable to return to my row because of the fuckwit family in front of me. The daughter (in her teens) was asking the dad to pull her bag out of the overhead (along with the bag of her 7 year old sister). The dad said "no, you get it out". I was like "dude, the trains run A LOT less frequently in DIA after midnight, so the sooner we get our bags and deplane the more likely we will not have to wait for a long time for a train". He was like "but, they're never happy, no matter what I do". Needless to say I pulled their bags down for them. Moron dad. I feel bad for those kids.

I got to my car, finally, after waiting FOREVER for the train back to the main terminal. It was 12:40am. Poor Jakey was covered in snow. The roads were a shit show. I saw a ton of accidents. I was driving like "it's actually 3 am for me because I'm on east coast time - no one has plowed - tourists are driving like idiots and spinning their cars - I might die". Even sure pawed Jake had some issues on the road. Finally made it home at 330 am (EST, which I'm on, or 130 am MST).

That's when I took out my laptop and turned it on because I have an early morning conference call and want to do the least amount of work possible before the call. BTW, I am supposed to be on vacation tomorrow.

And I realized I left my laptop power supply at my customer site.

Fuck me. Or, not. I have a back up. No single point of failure. And I think the customer will bring me back soon so I'll just grab it then. The customer I was working for was so great. The group was a great way to end my sordid year because they actually like my company. Even the VP came to all of my training sessions and when he was able to do a heat map he was so excited he was like "you have to come back!"

I have to take the little victories.

I should go to sleep. But I'm kind of wired after the drive I just did to get home from the airport. Hm. Only 6 hours before my conference call. Maybe I'll just stay up.

was that bad luck or good?

Because my company is el sucko they keep booking me on these crazy two segment flights even when a direct flight is only a little more expensive. Don't give me that bullshit about "saving $50 for every employee adds up to blah blah blah". The accountants can come live my fucking life with me for a few weeks and see how great their cost saving plans are. So the managers don't get billion dollar bonuses. Boo hoo. I cry for them.

Anyway, I woke up at 3:45 because my phone was buzzing. I normally go back to sleep but this time I thought I should check it. Which is a good thing because the buzz was an email coming in from United saying my flight had been canceled. No other explanation. No "we rebooked you". No useful information.

I panicked because I had to be out here in Rhode Island today for a very important, and short, engagement. I got up and called united. What's up with that fucking circus music they play while you're on hold? It's not pleasant at 4 in the morning.

I finally got a representative who tried to book me on a new flight getting into Rhode Island at 10:45 PM. I was like "NO WAY dude". I have to be at the customer site at 8 am every morning. I'm losing 2 hours as it is. This engagement is in the middle of nowhere. Also, it was forcing me to have a 4 hour layover in Chicago. Sucktacular.

After me bitching and pointing out that I have booked 250,000 miles with united (do the math, considering I didn't fly for the time I was over in the middle east, that's A LOT of trips) in the past 4 years the guy got me on a direct flight to Logan from Denver at 8 am. I had to drive an hour to get to my hotel, and my rental car is going to be obscenely expensive since my return is different from my pickup (to the tune of $100 a day) but ask me if I give a fuck.

There were no crying babies on the flight but the guy next to me (I was in the middle seat) farted the whole 4 hour flight. Not just like occasional farts. It was like lots and lots of farts. I wanted to vomit and had to get up twice and stand in the aisle to get away from the smell. Also, I smoked my fake cigarette even though it's not allowed on planes (stupid, a stewardess said "they cause interference with the communications in the cockpit" and I was like "I'm glad you are a stewardess and not a science teacher").

Then I got my car and got into the tunnels of downtown boston and got lost because my GPS was being chooky (kind of cool actually, since last time I was there the big dig was still going on). I passed faneuil hall and remembered how to get to the highway (weirdly, I haven't been to boston since 1996 but I remember certain aspects of the city). Arrived at my hotel earlier than my original flight would have had me getting here so my bad luck actually ended up being good. But my room, unlike the calgarian hotel I stayed in last week, does not seem to have much in the way of heat. I turned the thermostat up to 75 and went to work out. It's now at 65 even though I was blasting the heat for the hour I was in the gym.

I will survive. I shouldn't complain, actually. Given what my dad is going through now these matters are incredibly trivial.

some more news about my dad

He has lymph node cancer. But, he doesn't seem too concerned about it. He was more worried that I was going to get him a christmas present that's boring (an indoor bike trainer - he was like that would suck) or clothes (he said, in a nice way, to stop buying him outdoor clothes).

Hm. No idea what to get him. I'm sure I'll think of something.

Calgary is a zoo

I went to the airport and got my work permit today. Crazily, I was in the waiting room for 45 minutes. I started to get worried. Then the agent that was helping me came out and said they had just arrested a guy for manslaughter who was coming in to Calgary and that's why it took so long for him to retrieve my work permit. As he was stapling my work permit into my passport two agents led the manslaughter guy out in handcuffs.

That Calgary airport is a little insane.



Then I went to the zoo. I decided to walk not realizing the entrance off the Bow Riverwalk was closed for the winter. I went the wrong way trying to find the main gate. I ended up walking around the zoo and then walking down a busy "highway" (I don't know, in Canada it might be a highway, it was like 285 in Denver).



I saw some cool animals:

Grizzly bear making his way back into his man made cave. It doesn't look scary in this pic but it was a big bear.

Zebra: note to self, get invited to better christmas parties - these birds stink

"I'm NOT a republican"

(spider monkeys) - "It's FUCKING cold."

releasing your (hee) inner energy

Today I decided to get a massage since my neck still hurts a little. And the spa is on the same floor as the gym so it was convenient to go after my workout.

The woman who did my massage was a stocky but very short indian. She was dressed like a nurse in pink scrubs. I normally giggle my way through a massage (don't know why, as soon as that new age music comes on I feel like laughing). Then, to make matters worse, as I was laying on my back and she was rubbing my shoulders she farted. It was one of those "I thought I was going to get away with it" short high pitched farts. To make matters worse she whispered "oops!" under her breath, no doubt assuming I was asleep. It took every ounce of will power to not descend into hysterical laughter.

I tipped her well.

And, earlier this week, I was listening to this obnoxious guy who works for my company drone on and on in a very loud voice about cloud computing. At one point to show off he said "I'm sitting in my own private cloud right now!"

I had to leave the office for a few minutes until I could get myself under control. It still makes me laugh.

oh, and then the ceiling collapsed

I walked into the office today to discover that the water heater above the area where I work had burst a pipe. Running water all day while I was trying to work. Seriously. Who has an office with a water feature? More like water torture...

waiter...or weirdo?

The sales guys and I went out to dinner at this steak place called Caesar's that is supposedly some old money oil business steak place. I had salmon. They made fun of me.

Then the waiter, an older gent, you know, one of those guys who was probably a roadie for Bob Seger doing a lot of drugs and then ends up as a waiter in a cheap tux looking suit serving shit head consultants like me, took an interest in me. Why I don't know, except maybe I was probably the youngest woman in the joint or at least the only one who didn't look like my face was made of leather.

First he asked where I was from. I guess I haven't perfected my canadian accent (though my spelling is getting better - or they probably spell it "bettre"). There was an awkward moment when he asked me to hold the split in my baked potato open so he could put sour cream in it. No one, in any restaurant, has ever asked me to do that, I swear he was trying to put sour cream on my fingers.

Then, after I declined to have my leftovers wrapped, he asked which hotel I was staying in. I was totally caught off guard (it probably seems harmless when you read it here - it was more the way he said it, like he was going to come by when his shift was off and murder me). I fumbled for something to say trying to not look at the sales guy sitting in front of me because he had this totally shocked look on his face. I lied and said I was staying at some hotel I walk by and he said "yes, I know that place well". An embarrassing silence descended the table as the waiter leaned in towards me as if assessing which limb he would cut off first. Then he walked away.

The sales guys started making fun of me AGAIN. One was like "why would he ask where you're staying?" and the other guy was like "that just seemed so inappropriate". The waiter came by again and spent 15 minutes telling me about a hurricane that hit Calgary (actually, it wasn't a hurricane). The whole situation was weird and getting weirder by the second. He was giving me creepy attention.

We left without having dessert. The sales guys wanted to go to a micro brewery but I was too tired. And who knows what weirdos would be hanging out there.

moving down, moving up

I checked into my hotel on Sunday night and thought my room was a little warm but figured it was because the last occupant (likely middle eastern - there's a lot of them at the hotel - I'm not being racist) had the heat fully cranked. It was 86 degrees F when I got in there. After opening two windows and turning the thermostat to 50 I got the temp down to 79. I didn't get much sleep.

The next morning I figured out there was a problem because the temp hadn't changed at all. I called the front desk and they promised to fix it. I got home from the customer site super late (1 am) and realized my room was fucking hot, still. I was too tired to do anything and opened the windows again. I had the worst night's sleep ever.

So Tuesday morning I called the front desk again. They promised to fix the heat, again. Fucking liars. I got home at 7 Tuesday night and my room was scorching hot.

I called the front desk and they sent up a maintenance guy. He was like "this is not going to get fixed anytime soon". I called the front desk again and asked for a new room. The guy I talked to said the hotel was sold out. He offered to turn down the boiler and recommended I open the windows really wide. I was like look fucker, I need a NEW ROOM. He offered me a smoking room after I threatened to leave the hotel. They said they'd send up a bell hop with my new keys who would also help me move.

Then the front desk called back and said a guy was checking in who wanted to switch his room for smoking. Since I hate smoking rooms I was like "sure". Seconds later the bell hop showed up and didn't believe me when I told him he had to go back to the lobby to get different keys for me. He was french, and therefore dramatic and not entirely smart. He was arguing with me like I would make up this shit. Finally he said "I'm going down to check this out. I may or may not see you again."

The end of the story is that I moved from the 27th floor to the 10th floor. I'm used to staying on the top floors so it was a little weird having to go to the 10th floor. But I ended up with a suite that has a kitchen, dining room, living room, bathroom (obviously) and 2 bedrooms. Oh, and a private balcony.

Just got home after work and dinner with two sales guys. My room is freezing. Just cranked up the heat.

Hee.

not edmunton

Ech. I got on my plane today to fly to Calgary and the pilot kept saying we were going to Edmonton. I figured he was just an idiot (and flying our plane - yipes). The stewardess finally stuck her head in the cockpit (I was in bulk head so heard the whole thing) and said "we're going to Calgary!" and he was like "but the cloud cover is low, they are directing us to Edmonton as a back up".

I was like fuck fuck fuck. I did not want to land in Edmonton and then have to drive to Calgary in a shit rental car in a snow storm.

Luckily the weather cleared and we were able to land in calgon. I was the first person off the plane and cruised through the first part of customs. Then I had to wait in line to get my new work visa. No problem. There was only like 6 people in front of me, none of whom spoke english or even seemed to understand the concept of approaching the counter to talk to an immigration officer.

Luckily (I guess) the woman who denied me a year long visa last time I came through calgon saw me in line and waved me over. She was like "you're back, I recognized your hat" and I said "I normally don't wash my hair for at least a week before I come here so I have to wear a hat". She smiled, demanded to see my diploma for my master's degree (I actually had it this time), updated the system so I never have to bring my degree again, decided that since my customer was bringing me back I must know what I'm doing, asked a few questions about my resume, and then gave me a year long work permit.

Good news.

Except. The fucking printer wasn't working. So I have to go back to the airport this weekend and get my permit because she couldn't print it for me. She swore I could wait until I flew out to pick it up but my current permit expires 15 December and I'm here until 17 December. I don't want to get in trouble. I'll probably go to the airport this weekend.

I have to admit she was really nice this time. And I waited in line longer to get my rental car (hey, I'm president's circle, I have to wait in line??????) than to get my work permit.

My room is nice, but not as nice as the last time I stayed at this hotel. I got a king sized bed but my chair doesn't have an ottoman. They are trying to find one for me. Given some of the hotels I've stayed in I don't even know why I'm complaining.

update on my dad

We were talking on Sunday morning and my dad said that his doctor found a swollen lymph node in his groin. It could be bad as my dad has had very aggressive cancer. I'm hoping it's okay because lymph node cancer usually doesn't hurt (he was having pain which is how they found the mass in his lymph node) and his blood work came back okay.

He has a biopsy and MRI on Friday. Stay tuned...

pain in the neck, part 2

And, my neck is better, a lot better, but still not great. My doctor said it's actually a lymph node causing the problem. It's probably related to allergies (too much time spent the past few weeks on the right coast) or quitting smoking, or both.

I was going to get a massage but have been super busy with work and in the one hour I had to potentially get a massage I decided to get my eyelashes dyed instead.

I hate make up. I can deal with a little pain as long as my eyes look good. When I get to Canada on Sunday I'll do a massage. Luckily my hotel has a spa.

big news

I quit smoking two weeks ago. I know, don't have heart failure.

I did it by buying a fake cigarette. I took a quiz on some website (it was like "you're going to die from lung cancer.org" or some name like that) that figured out what kind of smoker I am. It turns out I hate cigarettes (explaining why I always get pissed when someone smokes near me) but I like to smoke. Fake cigarettes make smoke and do all the things a normal cigarette does, but it doesn't cause you to get cancer. Stupidly, the FDA won't approve them as a smoking cessation tool because they think fake cigarettes will encourage kids to smoke.

?????

Anyway, I did a lot of research and bought fake cigarettes from V2. They are so cool. I love love love them. I have 4 different kinds and one that I can smoke in my car and one I can smoke from my laptop (it connects up through the USB port).

One downside is my voice is kind of screwed up right now and I lose my voice usually by mid-day. My doctor says it's a result of quitting smoking and that it should stop happening...soon. Yeah right. Like when my other doctor said my organs would take the place of my uterus and my abdominal cavity would stop filling with air every time I fly, causing me to fart for like 45 minutes straight after I get off of a plane. That was, what, 10 months ago. Still farting.

If you know anyone who needs to quit smoking check out V2. And do a search on reviews, there's all kinds of discount codes to save you money. Right now my "smoking" habit is costing about 25% of what my normal habit cost.

All savings are going toward paying for a new kitchen which I will hopefully start this summer. Which should be a disaster if it's like everything else I do...

pain in the neck

I woke up this morning at 4:30 after having a nightmare that someone had tried to saw my head off. Surprisingly, when I came fully to consciousness, I was still having severe pain in my neck.

I've never had a back or neck problem before. Sometimes they feel tweaky, but nothing worth writing a blog about. This morning was different. I couldn't find a single position to put my head in that didn't hurt. I kept getting spasms that were so painful I felt like throwing up.

I have no idea what happened. When I went to bed last night I felt fine. More than fine. I even did an extra set of pushups and rollups. Neither of those exercises has ever hurt my neck, even when I over do them.

Panicking because I had to teach today I hopped in the shower and sprayed hot water on my neck for over 30 minutes. No change. I could barely brush my teeth and had to keep my head bent to the right side (the pain is on the left). Also, I could not lift my head up straight so had to stare at the carpet while getting dressed; good thing I don't feel the need to look at my outfit before I go to the office.

I got to the customer site, walking with my heavy backpack on just my right shoulder and almost passing out on the sidewalk from the pain. My point of contact picked me up in the lobby and she was like "girl, what is WRONG with you?" The left side of my neck was spasming so badly that my students started joking that an alien was trying to pop out (it's that noticeable - the muscle along the left side of my neck is totally sticking out and swollen and when it spasms it sticks out even further). One concerned student even offered to bring me muscle relaxers tomorrow (yes, I've been counseled to not take other people's meds so I won't be taking them - but, for the record, I'm tempted).

After forcing myself to do head rolls during the lunch break (or, half rolls) I was able to at least lift my head to normal position. The spasms stopped. I'm still getting a shooting pain from my left shoulder blade to the top of my head.

I fucking better be okay tomorrow. It's sheer hell trying to teach and be on my feet all day when my neck hurts and I can't turn my head at all. Fuck knows what the students at my periphery are doing knowing I can't see them.

my brother and I solve some problems of the universe

I had a great evening with my brother Bob watching two shows, Super Massive Black Holes and Wormholes. My mom wanted to watch HGTV but we wouldn't let her.

During the show we came up with a theory based on those funnel shaped fountains that you drop a penny into and the penny rolls down the funnel gaining momentum until it drops into the hole (kind of like an object approaching an event horizon). My brother postulated that a person would not get spaghettified at the even horizon because we are too small of a mass. However, the Plumber Physicist Leonard Susskin said on the show that a person and space ship would be too small of a mass to ever quite reach the event horizon but they would eventually be spaghettified just the same. He uses and example of Alice as an astronaut in a space suit and Bob in the spacecraft. He famously got into a huge fight with Hawking and won. 

He's one of the fathers of string theory so possibly everything he says is bullshit. Go astrophysicists!

I thought we should launch some kind of space craft to launch things into a black hole and see what happened to them. My brother watched the Minotaur 1 launch and said it looked like "a shooting star but in reverse". I was emailing with him when the launch happened but wasn't there to drink beer and actually witness it.

Then I started thinking about how a black hole is either dormant (i.e. not sucking in everything around it) or omnivorous (eating the universe). I postulated that when the black hole is dormant it is passing material into the galaxy (could explain how certain elements showed up in the milky way that could not have resulted from the big bang) and that when it's consuming that's how we could do space travel via worm holes. 

My brother Bob, because he's a dick, was like "yeah, but the closest black hole is really far away".

If we are right...you read it here first...

if it were easy it wouldn't be called "gardening"

Today I'm digging holes with my dad. We planted bleeding hearts, amaryllis, and some other stuff that the deer supposedly won't eat. My dad made me dig a big hole so he could move the dirt across the yard. After I dug the hole (had to use a pick ax to break up the soil) and moved the dirt with the wheel barrow (it wasn't easy) he filled the hole I had dug with dirt from a bag. I was like "why didn't I just use this dirt instead of transplanting that dirt?"

He was like "hm".

my dad's office building exploded

Today my dad left work early to pick me up at the airport. Which is lucky since his office building exploded. No one was hurt. But now he's freaking out because we're supposed to go for a meeting tomorrow (we'll have to find somewhere else to meet) and he left his laptop in his building. They just sent him an email that he can't get into his building.

http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20111121/NEWS01/311210043/Explosion-causes-fire-at-GE?odyssey=tab|mostpopular|text|FRONTPAGE

crooks and contracts

I sent my book contract to my uncle Joe last night since he is a lawyer and a CPA. He sent me his review this morning.

The contract is shit and the agent has pending litigation against him for defrauding other writers. Fucker. I wish he was here so I could kick him in the nuts.

Oh well. I have a few days next week to send out more queries.

I <3 rejection.

some news on my book

I submitted my manuscript to an agent back in August. I never heard from him so I finally emailed him again. He had never received my manuscript.

He told me he would reply back regarding my manuscript in two weeks. I heard back from him on Monday, one week. He is interested in publishing my book. So, now I have to get a lawyer to review the contract, etc. Stay tuned...

I haven't gotten to post my good news because I've been insanely busy with work and travel. San Fran on Monday, back to Calgary today. On the road until Christmas.

Yee haw.

erased

[at the suggestion of a friend I sent this story to I'm publishing it here - I'm in San Fran - apologies to my dad for breaking into his desk]

Smelling the ocean air here with my hotel room window open... I don't know why, but the smell of salt in the air always reminds me of when I was 4 and my dad had rented this little cabin on a beach in Massachusetts during the winter because it was cheap. The chairs were yellow vinyl and completely uncomfortable. We had to wear our winter coats all the time because there wasn't good heating, or maybe my parents didn't use it to save money. The door was painted red with a white x that covered the whole door and a white border. The cabin always smelled like the ocean.

 

One weekend it was raining really hard and all of our toys had gotten packed (we must have been moving somewhere), we had nothing to play with, and my parents couldn't send us outside, so my dad went down to the local market and brought back some erasers for us. The erasers were shaped like animals (flat, not a whole 3d body, with ink faces and body details like feathers or fur drawn on them) and they had eyes glued on them with the pupils that move (I used to call them googly eyes). There was a blue dog and a pink rabbit that my sister picked, she got to pick first because she was older, then my brother Bob picked a yellow lion (he was youngest so got to pick next) and a gray elephant. I ended up with a green owl and a red cat which was fine with me. I was playing with the owl and the cat and they were having a conversation about spaghetti. I guess I was irritating the shit out of my dad because he said "owls and cats would never talk to each other because the cat would want to eat the owl so stop pretending they're friends".

 

I thought about that for a while and then decided the cat should eat the owl. But since the cat was just an eraser and couldn't eat the owl I bit the owl's head off but then decided to keep the rest of him intact so the cat would still have someone to play with. At dinner that night I put my erasers on the table and when my dad saw that I had bitten the head off of the owl he started yelling at me about how I would never get a toy again because I ruined my owl. I tried to explain that I was just doing what he had said to do which was the wrong thing to say because it just pissed him off even more. He took the erasers away from me.

 

For years after that I would go through his desk when he wasn't home (it had a lock but I figured out how to open it with a screw driver - my brother Bob used to lock himself in the bathroom and not be able to open the door so I got pretty adept with opening locks) looking for my erasers. Never found them.

guess who's getting a new computer

The answer would be...me!!!!!!!!!!

I get 3 to choose from, and after a long discussion with the geeks at my client site, I know which one I want (even though it won't fit under a plane seat - they were like "dude, major RAM upgrade!" - I was like, "um, ok").

And demonstrating my company's complete illiteracy of technology, my manager, in response to his manger's manager's email asking why he didn't respond back to my email asking for help last week with my laptop, sent an email, repeat, SENT AN EMAIL, saying his email has been down and he hadn't got my email.

He can send, but not receive, email? What, he switched to a guy exchange server? Can send but not receive?

On a total random side note, check out this book the canterbury trail. I've only read excerpts, but it's really good. I've heard from a friend that the bone cage is great too.

looking for nemo? I found him...at my customer site

Today my customer received a shipment of toy helicopters from china. They are moving offices but since they are a tactical team they will move last. The building we are in is deserted, meaning, of course, a perfect place to fly remote control helicopters. The group of guys I'm training took great pleasure in buzzing the choppers over my head as I was trying to work.

Yes, everyone I work with is over 30.

To avoid the chaos and try to keep training on track I moved everyone to the board room (or, they call it the "bored room" when I'm in there with them).

A knock at the door. I opened it expecting to be kicked out by the chief guy because it's his room. Instead a rather large helium filled Nemo floated over my head and into the air space above the conference room table.
Needless to say order broke down. I retreated to an office to write sql statements. For the most part I could successfully ignore the crashes when a helicopter hit the window. I was not allowed to try to fly one of the helicopters or the remote controlled fish because I'm a woman and "women can't drive".

The nemo balloon is called an air swimmer. It's on youtube, funny video link here. I'm seriously considering buying the shark.

manuscript update

On Friday night I finally got off my ass and sent an email to the agent that asked to read my manuscript at the end of July. I haven't heard from him and it's been a few months...

I should have contacted him a long time ago. I received an almost immediate response from him saying he never received my manuscript. I emailed it to him again this morning. He promised to get back to me within 10 working days and said he was excited to read it.

Fingers crossed...

moral of the story - don't get speeding tickets

I guess my customer was tired of listening to me complain about my computer not working. Or maybe they just like rescuing damsels in distress. Or maybe the head of IT is pissed that his new computer was allocated to me until mine is fixed...

At any rate, at noon today I was getting more and more pissed that the help desk hadn't called me back so the gov agency I'm working for decided to take action to help me. The help desk had told me my company didn't have an office in Calgary but one of the gov guys said "I know I've seen the logo on a building near here". They used this app that scans the city from the top and they looked through the blocks until they found the building with my company's logo on it. I had a location to go to. Progress.

Then they went through one of their databases (don't ask) until they found the name of a guy who works at that building (think he got some speeding tickets and that's why he was in there). One of the gov guys I work with called him and said "we have a fellow employee here that needs help with her laptop and you're going to help her". I talked to the guy on the phone, explained my problem, and he agreed to help me. But, he said he had to leave the building at 4 pm and he wasn't sure my badge would work to get in. My customer got back on the phone and said "she's in a meeting with us until 4 so you'll just have to wait until she gets there".

This poor guy ended up waiting for me for an hour because I got my streets and avenues confused. I was supposed to be at the east end of town (the office was a 15 minute walk from my customer site) but I accidentally walked to the opposite end of town and then had to double back (luckily a kindly gentleman gave me directions). Four miles after initally setting out I arrived at my company's building.

An IT guy came down 5 minutes after I got there. I said "you're the only person in Canada who works after 5 pm" and he laughed. We then attempted multiple experiments to bring my computer to steady state, one of which caused my laptop to fall off a desk and the plastic corner to break off of it (don't ask - really, don't ask - it had to do with cycling the power to clear the something or other).

On top of the other issues with software, my hard drive is emitting a loud whistle (that was happening before it fell off the desk so don't blame me for that). The IT guy said "um, that's bad". He's going to rebuild my laptop tomorrow and I should have it back in the afternoon. I have to think of something nice to do for that kid. Poor thing was with me in the office until 730.

The best part of the story is the Canadian computer image is different than the US version and uses different drivers. So he's going to have to manually tweak it because the OS won't run on my computer as is. Also, I'm wondering if my spell check is going to be some fucked up Canadian US english/UK english thing. Then I'll be writing cheques instead of checks.

The good news is I got a ton of data into my customer's database last night and knocked their little socks off at the demo I did this afternoon (my meeting until 4 pm). It's not easy to be a rock star, but someone has to do it.

And now I'm going to open a bottle of garnacha de fuego and toast the kid fixing my computer even though he's not here (he better still be in the office fixing my laptop).

Why is wine so expensive here? Oh yeah, canadians only drink beer...

Calgary...

Sent this to Malcolm D. I thought it was funny, "no minors after 9 pm".

Canadians are so law abiding. Or not. This is a gypsy camp I happened upon while wandering down the bike trail that runs along the Bow River. They were very nice, especially when I produced a pack of cowboy killers.

Bow River. Nice after work walk even though it's cold.

the latest incompetence astounds even me

I work for an IT company. We supposedly help customers. That being said, my company is the most grossly incompetent place I have ever worked.

On Friday a new software update was pushed to my laptop by my company when I turned it off. I didn't turn my computer on again Sunday when I arrived in Calgary. My VPN software and my internet connection software wasn't working.

I arrived at the customer site monday morning to find that none of my software was working. Everytime I clicked on something I got a "application configuration issues prevent the application from loading - reinstalling may fix the problem". Well, re-installing didn't.

I called the help desk. They said it was an issue with my VPN software and tried to transfer me to another company. Then they said I'd have to ship my laptop back to the US to get it fixed because the canada IT help desk is different than the one in the US. Then they sent me over to hardware saying it was a hardware issue.

Since 5 pm Sunday night I've been trying to get my laptop fixed. I have spent over 10 hours on the phone with the help desk. I just found out this morning that my software issue was entered at a normal priority (meaning they have a week to get back to me) even though I explained that I was at a customer site and couldn't do any work. Today my problem was escalated to a 1 - 2 business day response, but was also told that unless I can get to an office for my company nothing could be done (I have to get on the company network). They can't fed ex me software or do anything useful. Hardware offered to send me a blank hard drive, like that would do ANY fucking good. I don't go back to the US until late next friday, and will not be able to get into one of my company's buildings because it's the weekend. I'm traveling until Christmas.

With a FUCKED UP LAPTOP. Which does not work AT ALL. Because my company can't figure out how to fix the issue. An issue THEY CAUSED by pushing out an update that didn't work.

Luckily I have a great customer here in Calgary and their IT people gave me a laptop to use. So I'll be spending the next two evenings making up for lost time.

I need a new job.

I am so fucked

Everything, and every application, is failing on my laptop. I've just back doored myself onto the internet so I have some connectivity. NOTHING is working. I have NO idea what I'm going to do at the customer site tomorrow. I have a shit ton of data I need to import for a class tomorrow and I can't run or install my software, my VMWare won't play any images (thought I could 86 my real hard drive and just play on the virtual one), I can't connect to my company's network so they can help me...

They are telling me to go an office but it appears Calgary is a "remote location", with the additional problem that I'm an American employee working in Canada. Fucking fuck. I have to get this project done in a certain time frame because I'm booked for the next 4 weeks. My customer is going to eviscerate me. There's no hope.

I should fall on my sword now.

table

And, since a few people have been asking, I am proud to announce that my dad and I bought the table.

Not sure when it will be delivered but I'll post a better picture once it's in situ.

Adult furniture. I can't believe I will soon be the owner of a real dining room table.

not to say everyone at Harvard is a sexist pig

Every year when my dad comes to Denver for vacation we watch a DVD course from the Great Courses company (my favorite course is either My Favorite Universe or Chaos). We were watching a course called the art of critical decision making done by a professor from Harvard (he's at Bryant University now).

I wasn't super crazy about the professor, and I thought the points he made about decision making were pretty banal. Every course is recorded in what appears to be the same room and this guy had a boring set up (i.e. no lab equipment, no experiments, no 3-d models of the butterfly effect). Then I noticed, on the wall behind his lectern, the picture to the left. I kept looking at it and noticed that the two men were wearing suit coats that covered their asses, but the woman's ass was not only visible, they even put a little line down it as if to emphasize it - "look, I have a cute ass".

I was like "dad, this is SO sexist! how come they cover up the guy's asses and show the woman's ass?". My dad was like "not only are they showing her ass, but look how the guys are both giving her directions by pointing which way to go".

We sat through two lectures and then decided to watch the movie "The American". The next day, while hiking up Bierdstat, we were trying to figure out why George Clooney's boss was trying to kill him.

Maybe we should have had less wine and more sleep before watching the movie.

Today is the first day since my vacation that I haven't been too tired to write on my blog. My dad makes me feel like a slug (even though most of my friends are like "you did all that shit in one day?"). When he comes on vacation I expect to get less than 6 hours of sleep and to be on the move either hiking, driving, or doing home improvement projects for the rest of the day.

That's why I have to rest before having vacation with my dad. Restful vacation? Who wants to do that?

table I think I'm going to buy

You can't tell because of the flash, but there are a series of holes in the table filled with turquoise. It looks really cool. The craftsman who made it said "I wanted to make a blackjack table/desk/dining room table". It has three legs. Very elegant.

Here's the picture from the other side. The natural holes in the table are filled with turquoise and black resin. Very cool. Half artwork, half table. The legs are made from bristle cone pine, the oldest still living tree in the world.

Note that the redwood was salvaged from dead fallen trees, it was NOT cut down (same with the bristle cone pine wood). The guy who made this table, Ken Lindstrom, is an amazing artist. He made a kitchen table, a bench, and a side table for my parents.

you should be paranoid

I don't think I'm very paranoid, but I think my dad is, a little. But maybe we're the same.

Yesterday at Castlewood Canyon I was freaking out about snakes. My dad was like "there are no snakes out here! the water puddles have ice on them! it's too cold!" And then an hour later he kicked a snake thinking it was a branch. The snake luckily slithered away instead of biting him.

After the snake incident we went to the visitor center, where my car was parked, to report our sighting on the board where you write what wild life you've seen. Then we walked out to do an inner canyon hike. But about 5 minutes into the hike my dad said "did you see your car in the parking lot?" I was like "no, but I wasn't looking for it." He was like "I don't think I saw your car". I was like "dude, we are in the middle of no where. Who would steal my car?" and he said "yeah, because it has 178,000 miles on it, who would steal that?"

But then I kept thinking, was my car still in the parking lot? Wouldn't I have noticed the absence, rather than the presence, of my car? I freaked out the rest of the hike, worried about my car (was it there??? did someone steal it???) and snakes.

My car was there. We didn't see any snakes the rest of our hikes.

Then today, when we were driving home from a trip to Salida (I think I just bought a table made from a redwood tree that's a few hundred years old...have to sleep on it) and Buena Vista (we did a hike partially up Yale, were turned back by snow, I can only wear my running shoes with my broken toe so didn't have real boots on) we had a major calamity.

In the morning, driving to Salida (it's a two hour drive from Denver on a very windy and steep road) I noticed that my passenger headlight was out. No prob, I thought, and I turned on the running lights, figuring I could get by on one headlight until tomorrow. But tonight, around 8 pm, as we were on the steepest and worst part of 285 headed back to Denver, with no ambient light, all of my headlights suddenly went out. We were headed into a steep curve, there were no cars with lights on around me, and I couldn't see shit. Luckily my reflexes were faster than normal and I managed to get my brights on (they were the only lights working - my driving lights and running lights all went out at almost the same time). I knew they weren't that bright because no one was flashing me, but I figured we'd be okay for the rest of the 45 minute drive home.

But then I noticed the brights were flickering and, frankly, they weren't that bright. I got so nervous that they were going to go out that I started sweating and my glasses fogged up. My dad was hanging onto the oh shit handle. I think we were both willing the lights to stay on at least until we got to my neighborhood (it's not uncommon for cars to drive around here without headlights).

Anyway, we made it home safe and then my dad made me turn on and off all of my lights to prove that, in fact, they had all failed on the same day. He said it's a one in a million chance that that would happen.

Lucky me. I'm feeling...paranoid.

my dad was on NPR

http://www.wvxu.org/news/wvxunews_article.asp?ID=9218

My favorite quote is about the gas streams.

out of season

Today my dad and I went for a hike at Castlewood Canyon. There, he was walking, after reassuring me as we were walking through tall grass that it was too cold for snakes to be out, when he suddenly stepped back into me and said "Oh!" I was like what????? and he said I stepped on a snake.

Numerous snakes had been spotted there, it turns out...

at least it was the right airport

My family is always late picking me up at the airport. One cold winter day when I had flown into Cincy my dad was 45 minutes late picking me up because he decided to rake some leaves. My brother left me waiting at Dulles one time for almost three hours because he decided, even though he was only 15 miles from the airport, to go home and feed his cat (then had to drive to his house and back to the airport in rush hour traffic).

So I decided to be on time to pick up my dad this morning (he flew out here for vacation, is staying until Sunday). Surprisingly though his flight got in much earlier than expected and his bags arrived 5 minutes after he got to the main terminal (that has never, in 7 years of flying in and out of DIA, happened to me).

I had left him a message telling him that I would pick him up at arrivals and to wait under the southwest sign. Luckily I called as I approached the terminal to make sure he got my message. He said "yeah, but I'm waiting at departures under the Frontier sign." Hm. Because he thought I would find him there easily????

So I swerved over to take the road to departures rather than arrivals but ended up in the wrong lane, for commercial vehicles. I had to wait for 7 taxis to go through the gate before I could take the exit back to the lane for normal cars.

And then we went to the botanic gardens. Fun. I love that place. Tomorrow we're hiking, Thursday going to Salida, not sure what's on deck after that...

really, it's all about you

This morning has been a nightmare. Besides the usual idiocy of some east coaster scheduling yet ANOTHER meeting at 6 am (I can understand this for people overseas - but there's NO reason the east coaster has to schedule these meetings at 6 am my time - in fact, it's early even for the east coast clients so most of them don't show up for the meetings). There is no reason why my company should expect me to be at work at 6 unless the CLIENT wants that.

Then I got an email that I have to take an engagement in Canada and needed to apply for my work permit immediately. I tried to explain to my scheduler that I already had two engagements for the time she wanted me in Canada. Back in the day my scheduler would have taken care of cleaning up the mess. Now I have to do it.

I found someone to take one engagement and rescheduled with my other client for a later date. Then I managed to find the obscure link for applying for a work permit on my company's crap web site. I spent $400 applying for it, plus $50 fed ex costs, and have no idea if I will get it in time. But at least the other problems were fixed. I then had to run a conference call that went over 20 minutes (and had a 2 minute start delay because my phone code for the conference service had expired and I had to get a new one - thanks for sending me a message it was expiring asspipes!).

Meanwhile, the consultant who promised to take my other engagement decided he didn't want it after all. And the sales guy on the rescheduled engagement refuses to accept the new dates I proposed, and the customer agreed to, for the rescheduled engagement. He is sales and doesn't have to fucking be there. On top of that, we were initially scheduled to do the work the week of thanksgiving but he doesn't want to travel then. If we were doing the engagement the week of Thanksgiving there would be NO PROBLEM and the customer wanted to do it that week because it's less busy around his office.

I think all these insane people in my company forget that I'm the fucking talent. And it's not about them. Fuck it. I'm just going to wait for someone to tell me where to go and what to do. I have had it trying to help people clean up their shit show messes.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

my dad's friend wins the Nobel in Chemistry

I was talking to my dad last night and he mentioned that a friend of his, Dr. Danny Schechtman, had just won the Nobel prize in chemistry. He and my dad worked together when Dr. Schechtman was at the National Bureau of Standards.

Here's a link to one of the papers my dad wrote with Dr. Schechtman:

http://www.springerlink.com/content/931226w26181100m/

My dad told me this story: back in the 80s he and Dr. Schechtman were doing some research on TiAl (my dad was interested from a metallurgy perspective) but it would take Dr. Schechtman a few months to do analysis. So my dad wrote a fortran program that could do the research in 10 minutes (I remember him taking me into his office when I was a kid and I would feed punch cards into a machine - possibly part of this software program - also my dad would have to analyze the results to figure out why the software wasn't working - he would bring home reams of this paper with lines of green interspersed with lines of white, a little bigger than 8 x 14, with holes running down the sides and all the pages attached - when he was done with the analysis we would use the paper for drawing pictures, making banners, and creating maps for fake buried treasure that we would leave around the neighborhood to trick people).

When Dr. Schechtman left the National Bureau of Standards he wanted to have the software updated to another language. This must have been, according to my dad, a herculean task because my dad didn't document any of his code.

What I love best about the whole story is how everyone told Dr. Schechtman he was crazy...and of course, he was right!!!!!

Think about that next time someone presents you with an out of the box idea...

B roll - my first commercial

Yesterday I was up on my roof winterizing my swamp cooler when I got a text from a fellow Denver Writer's group member Kevin. He was filming a commercial in Cherry Creek and wanted me to meet him so he could return some movies I lent him. Then he told me to dress in a certain outfit so I could be in the commercial. I thought he was joking.

But he was serious. My character was supposed to be a struggling business owner, and the commercial was for a lawyer. I had to wear a suit.

I got to the lawyer's office on time but Kevin wasn't there. Instead I met Cheryl Hiltzik who is a producer from LA. When I walked up to the office door, where she and the camera man were already waiting with their camera equipment, she turned to me and said "I hope you are here for the commercial because you're perfect!" I was surprised. I felt kind of stupid in my suit and weird makeup application.

She said she normally touches people up but she liked my "natural" look (I was wearing mascara and lipstick and felt like my face was caked with makeup but I guess that's a "natural" look). Then she asked what I do for a living, and I tried to explain it in general terms but she wanted more details. She thinks software is interesting. Then she said "How can you be so geeky and so damn cute?"

Around that time Kevin showed up and I made a little comment "most of us were here on time" which Cheryl laughed at. Then the lawyer called Kevin and said he was tied up in a meeting and couldn't shoot the commercial until Wednesday. Kevin was like "okay, we wasted everyone's time, but thanks for coming" and Cheryl said "let's get some footage of her walking down the hallway at least". Kevin looked at me and said "it's going to be b roll because we needed to you actually walk into the office and meet Steve" and Cheryl said "but she's so cute I'd like to get some footage anyway."

So I went to the end of the hallway and was supposed to open the elevator doors, walk down the hall, and act like I was opening the lawyer's office door. The first time I walked so fast the camera man couldn't keep up with me. The second time I almost walked into the door and started laughing because I could see Kevin down the hallway. The third time I looked at the camera, which you aren't supposed to do. The fourth time my heel got caught in the gap between the elevator floor and the regular floor and I almost fell backwards. Finally I did it right. They also took footage following me from the back as I walked to the office door.

It was pretty fun except it was hard to not look at the camera, to slow down my walk without looking weird, and I think I was making weird faces because as soon as they would start filming me I wanted to laugh.

Anyway, I'll probably end up on the cutting room floor but maybe I'll get to be in another commercial. Also, Cheryl knows John Scott (he's a director) and I told her about my book and she said he might be interested in the story line at least. John loves rock climbing and diving (his kids started rock climbing at the age of 4). Special thanks go out to Kevin who is much better at promoting me than I am (he kept saying "tell her about the part where you were in the water with the great whites" and "tell her how you fell 70 feet").

The best part of the whole experience was that Cheryl does a ton of work for charities (battered women, ALS, down syndrome) and I told her about no barriers and paradox sports. I've always thought the paradox athletes would make at least a good documentary if not a tv series. They are all so funny and such amazing athletes. Anyway, we'll see if anything happens with that. And I hope I get to meet up with Cheryl again because she has a lot of ideas for helping non profits and I rarely meet people who are as engaged as Cheryl. I think I could learn a lot from her.

oops, I did it again

I was walking down my stairs yesterday while simultaneously laughing at a cartoon in the New Yorker (in the background of the cartoon there's a woman tied to a chair and gagged while shadowy men are carrying something that looks like a TV out her apartment door - in the foreground is a cat staring at an almost opened can of food still attached to the electric can opener - the caption is "The Crime, to the best of Tiger's recollection") when I tripped and fell down the last two steps. Thought I was going to be okay, and walked down to Veda so my friend Cam could redo my highlights. But when I took my socks off for bed I realized I had broken my toe.

Today, it hurts. Wah.

My pedicure was not chipped at all. Nice job Karen at Voila!

productivity ratings

I made a list of tasks on Sunday that I need to finish by the end of the week and I've gotten almost all of them done. I am so a type. I like making lists though because it forces me to get shit done.

One thing I did today was refinance my house. I thought it was going to be a pain in the ass but it only took 25 minutes. My interest rate went from 5.75% to 3.3%. I should be able to pay my house off in less than 9 years, which would be nice, because I won't have to worry so much about making money.

My mortgage is with USAA. They are the best bank/insurance/brokerage company ever. The guy knocked my application fee down from $350 to $75. I'm barely paying any administrative costs. And my mortgage payment is $50 less a month even though I am doing a 15 year mortgage.

I'll be so glad when my house is paid off...

In other news I'm going to my first Denver Writer's meeting tomorrow since I had my surgery in January. Should be interesting...I'm going to read the new ending to my book.

ever wonder what would happen if you put mac & cheese in the microwave for 15 minutes?

The lid melted.

I had to take it outside so my fire alarm wouldn't go off.

This is what happens...I guess I accidentally punched in 20 minutes instead of 2. And right after I put it in the door bell rang and I was talking to a guy about an organization called Stop The Violence. About 15 minutes into our conversation I went back into my house to get some money for a donation and that's when I noticed the smoke.

Ech.

Microwave is in the garage airing out. I'm not sure if it will be useable again or not. I'm burning incense. My house smells disgusting...

from Russia, with congratulations

A colleague of mine, who is russian, sent this to me yesterday on rosh hashanah.

He wrote:

The Cyrillic text of this Soviet era document (modified in the digital age, one would think) reads: "This is to confirm that the recipient of this form is a Zionist and has to be congratulated with the sweet holiday of Rosh Hashana. Shana Tova. Signed: the Major General of the Legal Service of the Soviet Arm Forces (signatures follow).

Very cool! Thanks for sending V!

perhaps they think I can now travel back in time

The incompetence of my company is starting to surprise even me. I just received a confirmation yesterday for a class I taught last week...

The best part is, I get dinged by my management for traveling without a confirmation. Did anyone in scheduling get in trouble? Um, no, because that would be logical.