stupid babies

Along with many other issues I have with Delta, I am tired of their moronic assignment of seats.

If an airline won't ban kids under 5 so that the rest of us don't have to listen to them screaming and crying during a long flight, at least they could put all the kids in one place on the plane, preferably as far away from me as possible. And all of us business travelers should get the front of the plane, because we don't take 5 minutes to pull our luggage out of the overhead bin once the plane door is open.

But no. Delta does stupid shit like always putting me next to the mom carrying an infant on her lap. And then they put her in the middle seat. Like yesterday, when I was flying home from Montreal.

I was approaching my seat, which was towards the back of the plane, and could hear a baby crying. I was like why me god? There was the infant and mom, in the middle seat in my row. I don't exactly have a poker face so I'm sure the mom knew I was NOT happy. Meanwhile the rest of the plane had a lot of empty middle seats. So this mom could have had two seats, but instead they crammed her in with me and a fat woman who was at the window. I asked the steward to move me to a middle seat, but none of the fucks who had an empty seat between them would agree to let me sit there. I was like they didn't pay for that seat so why should they get to decide if I sit there, and the steward said "because those empty middle seats are not your assigned seat". Are you fucking kidding me?

I tried to put myself in a happy place as the plane was being de-iced. The kid was flailing around, dripping goo on me and grabbing my burberry scarf. I closed my eyes and pretended I wasn't there. The fat woman at the window said "If you need room you can put your baby's feet on my lap. I don't mind. I have 5 children of my own." The mom mumbled something, and the fat lady said "Well, some people don't have children, so they don't know how to act."

I was like FUCK YOU. This is a PLANE, NOT a nursery. I work long hours, and spend a lot of time on planes. I am NOT there to entertain a 10 month old for 5 hours. I am there to sleep because I'm tired.

Then the fat woman pointed out the baby had thrush, which is some kind of rash. She warned the mom to be careful touching the baby spit because it can spread. I was like great, since the baby had drooled all over my hand. Then the mom mentioned the baby was getting over a cough and earache. Like I can afford to get sick. If I was hit by a car my clients would still be calling me like "can you come over and fix our software even though you are immobilized from the neck down?"

I luckily just bought new noise canceling ear buds and was listening to my stop smoking CDs. Suddenly I realized my row smelled like a toilet. The mom, who was sitting half in my seat anyway, with the thrush covered baby's head resting on my leg, tapped me rather hard, and rudely, with her finger.

I took out my ear bud. She proceeded to ask me if I would stand up so she could change her baby's diaper on my seat. I said "there's changing rooms in the plane bathroom". She got pissed and called over the steward. He told her "we want you to do that in the bathroom". I think he felt sorry that he hadn't let me change seats.

I am absolutely disgusted by people who change their baby on a seat plane. How would they like it if I took a shit on their seat? It's a plane, not a trailer park. And you can get diseases from shit. For fuck's sake people.

She changed the baby 2 more times after that. I guess his cold had moved to his ass. She spilled a bottle of baby goo all over my coach purse. I wiped it off without saying anything. Then she sat the baby facing forward and propped a People magazine on his head and proceeded to read it as he reached over into my seat back and ripped up my new yorker. I had already read it, but she didn't know that. She didn't say a word. I was even more pissed. Yeah, I'm not helpful, but she's a great mom for using her kid's head as a book stand.

Our flight circled DEN for an extra hour because of the storm yesterday. I was ready to scream. No one would have noticed because the baby was screaming. Finally we landed and as soon as the seat belt sign was off I got up and into the aisle. I had been on planes for over 9 hours by that point. I wanted to go home.

I leaned over and asked the mom if I could get anything out of the overhead bin for her. I always do that when I have the aisle seat. The fat woman said "oh, now she's being helpful". I looked at her and said "I'm right here, so if you have something to say, say it to me." Everyone turned around to see what was going to happen. I was not the only person on the plane who had been annoyed by the baby crying.

The fat woman didn't say anything to me. Instead she turned to the mom and said "let me give you my phone number". Fucking freak.

For the record, I have helped many moms trying to get their luggage and kids to their cars or get their luggage off the baggage claim. I've carried their shit down the plane ramp and moved to a shit seat so all the parents and kids could sit together. I just don't understand why anyone would fly with a sick kid. And why anyone would fly with a kid and not get a fucking seat for aforementioned kid. I didn't volunteer to give up half my seat. She just took it. And assumed I'd be okay listening to her kid screaming. When you're a parent you get used to that shit. For everyone else, it's hard.

Please. Stop flying with your kids if you can't control them. Don't change your kids on the seat. And don't assume everyone else cares that junior is having a bad day. Believe me, people just want him to shut the fuck up.

Thus ends the tirade. I feel better now.