if only there were such a thing as magic clay

Last night I had the funniest dream. I dreamed that I was at Eva and Dan’s house and they had redone their kitchen so instead of having cabinets, a refrigerator, and all that other stuff that goes in the kitchen Dan had built these beautiful shoe shelves so the walls were all full of shoes that were my size. They also had some magic clay.

My brothers were there and they took the magic clay and made two little men that kind of looked like Mr. Bill and put them on this long granite island (which actually does exist in Eva and Dan’s kitchen) and the little men came alive and started racing each other. But my brothers had somehow programmed their legs so after they ran for a few minutes their legs would break apart into geometric shapes which would change colors every few seconds (can you tell I’ve spent the past two days in Times Square?).

Every time the guys’ legs fell apart they would fall apart in different ways and make different shapes like triangles, or squares, or diamonds. I was laughing hysterically at the little clay men with no legs because then they would start going “Ohhhhh, my leggggggggs” in this weird voice while trying to drag themselves with their arms. While I was laughing and watching the men race Eva kept putting different shoes on my feet. One pair of shoes was made out of diamonds. This part of the dream went on for a long time.

Then Tea Leoni showed up in the kitchen and so did Elizabeth Taylor, who had a huge entourage of body guards with her. Tea Leoni winked at me and whispered “watch this!” She walked up to Elizabeth Taylor and tapped her on the shoulder (Elizabeth Taylor was looking at all the shoes and had her back to us; she was also trying to grope Dan who kept pushing her away with a spatula). She said “Excuse me, Elizabeth” and then produced this half gallon round tub full of tuna fish salad that Dan had just made. “I dare you to eat this tub of tuna fish.”

So Elizabeth Taylor was like “you will never be as good of an actress as me” and sat down next to me to eat the tub of tuna fish. The little men were still running around. After about a minute Elizabeth had eaten half the tub and she said to Tea “I told you I could eat the whole thing” and Tea said “Guess what. I farted in there before I gave it to you to eat.” Then the two little clay men came running over to the tub and started blowing on it, saying “ohhhhh nooooo, we can blow the farts away”.

I was actually still laughing when I woke up. Though, after I finally get home and get some sleep, this dream may seem less funny.