arks

I made an interesting discovery on Monday night watching this show about arks on the channel my maid likes to watch (I can't figure out how to make the channels move on the TV in this hotel so any time I turn it on I'm left at the mercy of her whims since she knows how to change the channels and watches TV while she is supposedly cleaning my room). There is a third ark called the ark of the covenant that I didn't know about.

So, the first two arks I knew about. One is the boat thing that Noah was on. The next is a box that Moses made that if you get too close to it will rip your face or arm off. The third, new one, is this cup that Jesus put some blood in and then gave to one of his guys before he got killed, and if you drink the blood you'll be alive forever, but not have to be a vampire.

...which brings up the point that the bible keeps having the same story over and over, and then they did a sequel called the new testament, and that just has even more of the same story but they tried to put a different plot twist on it. It's like the Rocky movies, but more confusing because there are a more people in the bible. In books, extras are free.

All these arks got lost somehow, even though one would think that they were important enough to be looked after. Of course, you give a man responsibility for anything...

Depending on what kind of person you are, you go look for one of the arks. The guys looking for the boat ark, at least in the show I saw, were all kind of geeky scholar types that were probably thrown out of the house by their wives: "honey, you are driving me NUTS - why don't you go look for Noah's ark again, I heard on Oprah that someone saw it in Turkey". The second guys, who have hats and think they are indiana jones, go looking for the box kind of ark. They usually want to use it to take over the world and rip the face off someone they don't like, but a person they don't like for stupid reasons, like maybe some guy's dog peed on the ark searcher's lawn and killed an azalea bush or something so now the ark searcher is like "I will find the ark and smite my neighbor - and his dog too!". The third guys, looking for the cup, are always really religious and they end up getting into wars and getting their asses kicked (who wears white to a war? great cammo if you're fighting clouds, otherwise, bad choice) and they want to live forever I guess in the hopes that they will one day happen upon an era where they are considered cool. That era will be, um, next never.

The show I saw said, about the box ark, and I quote, "Not even Jesus knew where it was". That's kind of mean since the box was commissioned by his dad and I bet his dad knows where it is. So some day, when God dies, Jesus is going to be at the estate settlement and the lawyer is going to be like "Well Jesus, your dad left you...the ark." And Jesus is going to be like "Dammit! I already have one of those. By the way, did he say where it is?"

It would be convenient if they put all the arks together in one spot, kind of like winning the power lottery thing where you get millions of dollars instead of just a million dollars. Or you could put the box ark inside the boat ark and then the cup ark in the box - it would be like a turducken.

I'm actually quite inspired by these ark stories. My co-author said that if you find an ark you get sucked into heaven like you're on the extra express elevator to salvation. He also said that every one who's written a story that's worth a damn about trying to find the ark died before the story was finished.

Which reminds me of the book I'm trying to write with my co-author. I will likely die before it's finished, which is not to say I'll die prematurely, but instead to say I'll be lucky if we finish that book in the next 60 years.