the tunnels make sense now

The other day I was watching a show about FDR. My friend Neil had seen it before and it was on my tv because I had the same channel as him so he said I should watch it.

One thing I didn't know about FDR is that he cheated on his wife but then ended up staying married to her for the sake of the presidency. The woman that he cheated with was at his bed side when he died. I found this sad because it seems like nothing should be worth giving up true love for. Both of these women sacrificed everything to keep this stupid guy happy and in the end really didn't get anything out of it. Except, the girlfriend got some money.

Then I read an article in the new yorker about an author, I believe it was Henry James, and how he cheated on his wife. There was a line in the article that said something to the effect that him doing this was devastating to her because as a woman who couldn't bear children the knowledge that her husband was sleeping with someone else made her feel not just bad about herself, but also inadequate as a woman.

I agree with that completely. I think that if you are a woman who is a non-breeder, and you are with a guy who is sleeping around, in the back of your mind you are always thinking that he is going to either knock one of his bitches up and end up with her or that he will eventually leave to go knock a bitch up. Guys are never honest about the breeding thing. I've dated lots of guys who said they didn't want kids but the second a viable uterus was around they were screaming at their little sperms "faster dammit! go get that egg!"

I think the world would be a happier place if guys were just honest about what they wanted, rather than pretending to want what you want so they can fuck you. And I think if a guy wants kids he should not get into a relationship with someone who can't have kids if he's going to end up leaving her.

And, this morning standing outside the La Guardia Marriott at 4 am in the snow, smoking a cigarette in the hopes it would wake me up, and laughing about my magic clay dream, I realized that my tunnel dreams must be about not having kids and meeting guys that are obsessed with breeding and how that really bothers me even though I guess consciously I don't acknowledge that.

But now that I understand the dream hopefully I will stop having them.