Troy Aikman and I have something in common. I've also had 7 concussions. Most of the stories of how I got my concussions are pretty ridiculous, but this one is the most embarrassing.
I was in Marigot, St. Maarten, heaven on earth, with my friend Rita. Po
or Rita. She has been through so many situations where my sad behaviour has almost ended my life. In fact, at the start of this particular trip, I was completely wasted, standing by the pool, when someone pushed me in. I remember being underwater and thinking "gee it's hard to breathe" as my face was touching the bottom of the pool. A greek guy jumped in and saved me. His name was Gus.
He later took a picture of me and Rita topless on a beach with the guy who walked around with a cooler selling beer. Things like this caused Rita's long time boyfriend to break up with her when we got back from the trip, thankfully, and he didn't even hear the worst stories, like when we brought the hotel bus driver, whom I had earlier mistaken for a kidnapper, into a bar so we were ensured a ride back to the hotel. It's amazing, actually, that we didn't get kicked out the hotel because of all the parties that kept spontaneously erupting on our balcony especially when the postal strike happened and the island got shut down, and we were the only ones who had beer, so 60 people from the resort were hanging out in our room.
Anyway...
We had gone to a nude beach called Cupisco. We started out topless, and then took everything off, and were having a great time snorkeling (Rita's first time). We saw a real squid, some barracuda, and other stuff. The visual you should get is a very white shiny ass pointed directly towards the killer rays of the sun. That ass, by the way, would be mine.
Then it was on to a night out, starting at a great Italian restaurant called Mezzanotte's where we were put in the little two topper table out on a balcony and served expensive champagne for free because, yes, we are that hot. NOTE: I am ashamed to admit this but I dumped some of my champagne in a planter because I was getting, as Rita says, kaput, which is where I fall face first on a table because I've had too much to drink. The planter had holes in the bottom so accidentally the champagne got on people standing in line to get into the restaurant. But they were french so fuck em.
Anyway, after a round of drinking at Hott Tomato and doing some other stuff which I can't remember, we got back to the hotel and I realized my ass hurt. Really bad. I showed it to Rita who immediately diagnosed the problem as sunburn, and she gave me some aloe. I lubed up my ass like I was waiting for ET to land and give me an anal probe and then I settled into bed for the night.
Owing to the multiple Caribs I had imbibed in over the course of the evening (14 when I stopped counting) I soon had to get up to pee. Rita was sleeping soundly in the bed next to me so I decided to not turn on the light or close the door (a gross habit I indulge in, but Rita doesn't care and in fact the first time I visited her at her apartment she answered the door wearing only a thong - as she said "the united states of get over it").
Since Marigot is on the French side of the island the bathrooms are very European, i.e. the toilet is porcelain, the bathroom is small, and the tub is kind of a cute little thing, also porcelain. The toilet was right next to the tub due to the bathroom size, with a little wedge of space between.
I sat down on the cold porcelain thing and I wasn't at my most coordinated because I was a bit tipsy and it was dark. Actually I probably toppled onto the toilet seat. The aloe all over my ass caused me to slide sideways off the toilet, unfortunately heading towards the tub, and I somehow ended up getting wedged between the toilet and the tub, arms and legs pointing skyward as if to say why are those fucking gods cursing me again.
I tried to wriggle up but I was wedged tight. I couldn't lower my arms or legs to get any leverage. In addition, I had hit my head on the back of the toilet and was in shock from what would prove to be concussion number 6.
What to do? I obviously couldn't unwedge myself so I tentatively called out:
"rita?"
"Riiiita?"
"Ritaaaaaaa?????"
"Riiitaaaaaaaa????"
"RIIIIIITAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I'M STUCK IN THE TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Finally she woke up and walked into the bathroom, turning on the light. After a few minutes of laughing so hard she almost puked she was able to pull me by my arms and get me unwedged from the toilet. I then peed standing up and vowed never to sit on a toilet when drunk with a sunburned ass again.
Humiliation, carribean style. At least I didn't have tan lines...
I was in Marigot, St. Maarten, heaven on earth, with my friend Rita. Po
or Rita. She has been through so many situations where my sad behaviour has almost ended my life. In fact, at the start of this particular trip, I was completely wasted, standing by the pool, when someone pushed me in. I remember being underwater and thinking "gee it's hard to breathe" as my face was touching the bottom of the pool. A greek guy jumped in and saved me. His name was Gus.He later took a picture of me and Rita topless on a beach with the guy who walked around with a cooler selling beer. Things like this caused Rita's long time boyfriend to break up with her when we got back from the trip, thankfully, and he didn't even hear the worst stories, like when we brought the hotel bus driver, whom I had earlier mistaken for a kidnapper, into a bar so we were ensured a ride back to the hotel. It's amazing, actually, that we didn't get kicked out the hotel because of all the parties that kept spontaneously erupting on our balcony especially when the postal strike happened and the island got shut down, and we were the only ones who had beer, so 60 people from the resort were hanging out in our room.
Anyway...
We had gone to a nude beach called Cupisco. We started out topless, and then took everything off, and were having a great time snorkeling (Rita's first time). We saw a real squid, some barracuda, and other stuff. The visual you should get is a very white shiny ass pointed directly towards the killer rays of the sun. That ass, by the way, would be mine.
Then it was on to a night out, starting at a great Italian restaurant called Mezzanotte's where we were put in the little two topper table out on a balcony and served expensive champagne for free because, yes, we are that hot. NOTE: I am ashamed to admit this but I dumped some of my champagne in a planter because I was getting, as Rita says, kaput, which is where I fall face first on a table because I've had too much to drink. The planter had holes in the bottom so accidentally the champagne got on people standing in line to get into the restaurant. But they were french so fuck em.
Anyway, after a round of drinking at Hott Tomato and doing some other stuff which I can't remember, we got back to the hotel and I realized my ass hurt. Really bad. I showed it to Rita who immediately diagnosed the problem as sunburn, and she gave me some aloe. I lubed up my ass like I was waiting for ET to land and give me an anal probe and then I settled into bed for the night.
Owing to the multiple Caribs I had imbibed in over the course of the evening (14 when I stopped counting) I soon had to get up to pee. Rita was sleeping soundly in the bed next to me so I decided to not turn on the light or close the door (a gross habit I indulge in, but Rita doesn't care and in fact the first time I visited her at her apartment she answered the door wearing only a thong - as she said "the united states of get over it").
Since Marigot is on the French side of the island the bathrooms are very European, i.e. the toilet is porcelain, the bathroom is small, and the tub is kind of a cute little thing, also porcelain. The toilet was right next to the tub due to the bathroom size, with a little wedge of space between.
I sat down on the cold porcelain thing and I wasn't at my most coordinated because I was a bit tipsy and it was dark. Actually I probably toppled onto the toilet seat. The aloe all over my ass caused me to slide sideways off the toilet, unfortunately heading towards the tub, and I somehow ended up getting wedged between the toilet and the tub, arms and legs pointing skyward as if to say why are those fucking gods cursing me again.
I tried to wriggle up but I was wedged tight. I couldn't lower my arms or legs to get any leverage. In addition, I had hit my head on the back of the toilet and was in shock from what would prove to be concussion number 6.
What to do? I obviously couldn't unwedge myself so I tentatively called out:
"rita?"
"Riiiita?"
"Ritaaaaaaa?????"
"Riiitaaaaaaaa????"
"RIIIIIITAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I'M STUCK IN THE TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Finally she woke up and walked into the bathroom, turning on the light. After a few minutes of laughing so hard she almost puked she was able to pull me by my arms and get me unwedged from the toilet. I then peed standing up and vowed never to sit on a toilet when drunk with a sunburned ass again.
Humiliation, carribean style. At least I didn't have tan lines...
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