Beware the Starfish...

So my friend Kristin brought me a DVD today called Sponge Bob Square Pants. I first became aware of Sponge, or is it Sponge Bob, when I noticed a necklace Kristin was wearing. What's with the cheese? I asked. She explained to me that he is actually a sponge and not a piece of swiss. Then she tried to explain the concept of the show (do I really need to get a TV and could this explain my constant communication problems with the world around me?).
I found the idea of a sponge named Bob kind of interesting. That night I laid in bed, trying to sleep, but stuck wondering, was it sponge square bob pants? square bob sponge pants? I'm pretty sure I remember sponge pants...
The DVD is very interesting (it's Tales from the Deep). On the cover is a picture of Bob, a dork among dorks. He has on little athletic socks and his toes are turned in. And he is smiling but at the corner of his mouth is a red frowny face. What the fuck?
Also, apparently he has a friend who is a starfish. The starfish actually looks like a clitoris with stumpy arms and legs. Also, there is, on the front cover of the DVD, a gelatinous red goo pile near the clit/starfish. Implying menstruation? And what's with the brown smudge stain to the right and behind the clit/starfish?
I find this whole thing disturbing because it's obviously meant for kids but has all this subliminal kinky sex shit. Or am I reading too much into it? What's with having square pants, anyway?

I once had a starfish in a saltwater aquarium. He was an orange starfish named Orangy. Prior to buying Orangy, I had gotten a pink sea anemone, named Pinky, so the clown fish would have somewhere to hide from Pinochet, the lion fish (he eventually ate them all anyway, once gorging himself on a clownfish so large that he floated at the top of the tank for three days, upside down, with a big bloated stomach, and, BTW, you could still see the little clownfish's eyeball moving around through the expanded flesh of Pinochet's tummy - but I digress).


So his first night in the tank I decided to keep an eye on him to make sure Orangy was okay. He was crawling around the tank like a madman. Then I saw him climb up on the reef where Pinky was anchored.


He stuck one of his little starfishy arms into Pinky and Pinky stung him. Orangy's little arm shrunk up like an elephant leg when the elephant is sitting. That'll teach you to mess with Pinky I thought. But then Orangy touched Pinky again. And again. And again. WTF? I thought.


After a couple of hours of this I saw Orangy climb on top of Pinky. For fuck's sake I thought. He sat there for about ten minutes not moving. Maybe he's dead I thought. I went to the tank to lift up Orangy.


When starfish eat they turn their stomachs out of their bodies, digest their food, and then pop their stomachs back in. When I picked up Orangy he had Pinky in his stomach. I then realized he had decided to eat Pinky and was getting Pinky to sting his little arms to get rid of all the anemone poison so he could eat her.


Little bastard. Beware the starfish...