Holey Wars

How many people will die before it all ends?

It was a summer afternoon, a day with perfect climbing conditions, when Larry LeBouff neared the summit of the classic New Hampshire climb Dirty Underwear Puppet (5.10g[1]). He had been free soloing after a fight with his mom, but he was feeling strong, preparing to top out and then rap off a newly placed bolt. As he reached the end of the climb, though, something went wrong. Horribly wrong. As he plummeted 400 feet to his death, the last image he would remember, besides the 10-foot overhanging roof he had forgotten about right below the summit, was a chopped off bolt 15 feet away.

Larry has become the latest victim of the Holey Wars. Two million people die every day around the globe, and some of these deaths are a direct result of the climbing jihad being waged anywhere there is rock or ice to be climbed. This jihad is being run by holey extremists, headquartered in NH, but with cells all over the world. They have stated they will not rest until every person who owns a drill is dead, and every bolt that has ever been placed is chopped. The resulting bloodbath could cost climbing some of its most talented bolters, and could cost most sport climbers their ability to climb anything above a 5.6.

The holey extremists have taken a harsh stand in an effort to get their point across. Lars Fecklestein, famous for cutting bolts on all the Royal Caribbean Voyager cruise ship walls, looks no further than the greatest story ever told to present a reason for his jihad. “When Moses climbed the mountain, did he use a drill? No, he free soloed it. There isn’t any mention of bolts in the bible. They just ain’t natural.”

Non-believers seem to be supporting the movement as well. Famous climbing atheist Mack Twitt weighed in with his opinion. “I don’t believe in bolts.” He then went on to say that since he is an atheist he doesn’t believe in anything, including chopped bolts or no bolts. Once considered a top climber and self-professed anti-bolter, further investigation for this article showed that Twitt both owned a drill and was no longer climbing except in a gym. Because he has angered so many in the climbing community with his noxious rants, he now spends his days being belayed by a blow-up doll that was purportedly stolen from the third camp of a German Everest expedition. The theft caused at least two alpinists to die, and the scandal rocked the climbing community for years. To this day Twitt proclaims his innocence in the slide shows he gives at the local REI, and hopes that some day the Chinese will allow him back in base camp where he can resume his profitable drug business.

Though the extremists are starting to sway more people to change their opinions on bolting, Middle America seems intact in their beliefs, even in the face of bolting being outlawed to limit the bloodshed from the jihad. John Deau, a self-described weekend warrior who has climbed most of the hard 5.7s in Texas, sometimes with just a single rack of gear, stated, “Bolts are as American as obesity. I mean, if there were no bolts, how would your engine stay in your truck? If they outlaw climbing bolts, what’s next? Lightening bolts?”

Conspiracy theorists believe that the jihad might be the work of the United Nations. Other rumors are circulating that the Pentagon has developed an invisible climbing bolt for use by special forces, who don’t want to be seen as climbing “without style” in the third world countries they invade. The press contact for the Pentagon, Wanda Specschwartz, vehemently denies the rumors. “How would it be possible to hide such an advanced technology from the American people? If we had that capability people would know about it.” When it was pointed out to Specschwartz that, since the bolts are purportedly invisible, no one would be able to see them, she responded “There is an absence of evidence, which is evidence of absence.”

Some entrepreneurs aren’t waiting for the Pentagon technology to be developed to cash in on the jihad, however. Chris Dumass, who owns the largest call girl climbing center in North America, has begun working on bolts that look just like rocks. “For all intents and purposes,” Dumass says, “no one will even notice it’s there. It looks just like a rock, if a rock looked like a bolt.” His invention is called the Dumass Bolt. The company will charge extra for what Dumass calls “designer bolt colors”, such as Capitol Reef Red and Wonderland White. The cheapest bolt goes for $50 and looks like a petrified dog turd. “That’s the Seneca Rocks bolt,” Dumass says proudly.

Another company has come up with a drink, Red Bolt, that it hopes to market to the climbing rebels who continue to bolt. “Red Bolt is an energy drink that tastes like a mix of cat urine and pixie sticks,” says company founder Bill ‘Caution Man’ Beauford. “It’s very unique in the market because it tastes horrible and provides way too much energy.” The distinctive smell that begins to permeate the pores of those who drink Red Bolt is part of Beauford’s marketing strategy, as is the promise to “jack up the heart rate to the point where the heart monitor is about to explode. It’s kind of like climbing on a sketchy wall with a 100-foot run out from the last good pro. Except, of course, we want to bolt those climbs, and instead have climbers drink Red Bolt to get a rush.”

But bolters may soon need more than a drink to help them out. The legal profession has begun defending bolters against the rash of lawsuits resulting from the holey wars. W.H. Zaduu IV, Esq. has stepped in to provide his famous skills in court. Once an ardent defender of politicians involved in sexual harassment scandals, he now works for the bolting rebels, stating that the jihad is too broad in its statements and that the activities they rail against lack definition.
According to the current legal designation, Zaduu explained, "bolting" occurs when “[a] person knowingly engages in or causes contact with the cracks, slopers, faces or jugs with a foreign object”. Zaduu is also working on a definition of ‘penetration’ to provide legal grounds for whether a route has actually been bolted or not, based on the legal proceedings from the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal. “After all,” Zaduu explains, “there’s little difference between a cigar and a bolt.”

Though many in the climbing old guard are caught up in the holey wars, the younger generation appears to be distancing itself from the melee. “Can’t we all just get along?” asks Topher Karma, the first 4-year old to climb a 5.10z, when asked for a comment about the holey wars. Though only three feet tall, he appears wise for his age. He spends most of his days, when not in rehab, hanging out at the crag with his Siamese twin German Shepards. Their names? Bolt and Chopper.

[1] The NH climbing scale has recently been modified to account for the fact that nothing ever climbed can be harder than a 5.10. This rating system will be used in this article to describe routes consistently.