shoe calculations, or why broccoli sucks

So there I was getting ready to go to the grocery and buy broccoli yet again. I'm trying to eat more broccoli because of its anti-oxidant properties, although it's hard to imagine that anything that smells like farts when you cook it could be good for you.

As I walked out my door I was suddenly propelled over to my car by a little voice that said Why don’t you go buy some shoes instead because shoes are good for you. But I’ve stopped buying shoes I told myself sternly. Then I tried to remember how many pairs I had left, since I cleaned out even more shoes this past week. Was I down to 100? Er, 150? Okay, I was under 200, right? And I hadn’t bought any shoes since August. Except for some shoes I had to buy at the end of August for climbing. And my thanksgiving Nikes which I needed for the drive to my parents’ house because my other shoes weren’t the right color and caused me to push the gas pedal too hard resulting in a speeding ticket, my first ever. And there were the shoes I had to buy in December to keep my mom company because she was buying shoes for Christmas, but sympathy shoes don’t count. And then there was that one tiny little pair I bought in January, which really don’t count because I promised myself I would return them except that I accidentally wore them instead.

While my mind struggled to work complex equations to calculate my total shoe value (really, it's more complicated than taxes – I’ve included a form at the end of this story for your edification) I suddenly found myself at shoe nirvana – Nordstrom (5,000 pairs on line – www.nordstromshoes.com – go ahead and look, I’ll wait). I’m just going to browse for a few minutes because the produce guy probably hasn’t shown up with the latest shipment of broccoli anyway, I told myself. The next thing I new, a pair of Charles Jourdan stilettos jumped out and impaled themselves on my arm. Gosh, I better carry these around with me so they don’t hurt anyone else, I thought. Then I realized they were available in 2 other colors so I grabbed those too. After all, there were children in strollers lingering in the shoe department and I didn’t want anyone to be injured or to perhaps lose an eye. And I had recently read an article that pointy toed shoes, while stylish, are bad for the feet. I’m sure I saved three women undue pain and agony. So it seemed like it was time for a little reward for myself.

Then a pair of Merrells popped into view and the little voice said those are going to be necessary if you are really going to move to Colorado and they would make a perfect reward. This is very true I thought to myself. The Merrells came in two colors, so I bought both for luck. Then there were the orange trail running shoes. Orange is the color of the third chakra, the core muscles, and I had been having problems with that chakra lately. But once I picked up the shoes I felt the problem dissipate and I could sense that I was a step closer to inner peace.

The rest of the hour is unaccounted for. When I came to, a guy was carrying bags behind me and we were at my car. I’m not sure how I got there. He said “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” as he loaded the bags in my car. I mumbled a reply and fumbled my car keys. Quick, drive away before someone sees you! the little voice commanded.

I got home and folded all my shoe boxes into tiny little squares because I prefer the compact look. I plan on putting them in the dumpster after dark, when the prying eyes of the neighbors will be busy watching TV or cooking dinner (I really hate having to lie, like when I was walking up to my apartment with a couple of the bags of shoes and one of my neighbors saw me and said “Oh my!” forcing me to respond in a somewhat untruthful manner “These aren’t for me. I bought them for the sniper I’m sponsoring in Iraq”).

And for your information, I plan on spending the rest of MY evening working on my thesis and NOT communing with my new shoes. Seriously. Right after I eat my broccoli.

Adjusted Gross Shoes Total
Total Number of Shoes You Bought This Year
1.______
Total Number of Shoes You Admit You Bought This Year
2.______
Subtract Line 2 from Line 1. This is your adjusted gross shoes total.
3.______
Deductions
Athletic shoes
The athletic shoes deduction is calculated as the total number of sports you are participating in multiplied by 5 potential pairs of shoes per sport unless the shoes come in really kicky colors in which case the deduction is the total number of colors of the shoe minus 2 (you really shouldn't own every color of a pair of shoes - isn't that a bit excessive????)
Weather related shoes
5.______
The weather related shoes deduction is calculated by the total number of seasons experienced in any area where you travel or live multiplied by an allotted 2 pairs of shoes per season per territory unless the season involves 6 inches or more of water or snow in which case you are allowed 2 other pairs of "back-up" shoes
Sympathy shoes
6.______
There is a standard deduction of 4 pairs of shoes that were purchased in sympathy of a friend or relative purchasing shoes, unless there was a recent breakup or bad date experience by your friend or relative, in which case you can take a deduction of 6 shoes, not to exceed 10 shoes for the year.
Hot Guy Shoes
There is a one time deduction for one pair of shoes that were purchased while attempting to attain a hot guy.
7._______
Future Use Shoes
8.______
There is a one time deduction for up to 10 pairs of shoes purchased for an event that will occur in the future (e.g. greater than one year).
Stolen Shoes
9.______
There is a deduction for any shoes borrowed or stolen during the course of the year. If they were borrowed or stolen by someone you really dislike you can take a double deduction.
Medical Shoes
10.______
There is a deduction for any shoes that you wear that the doctor might actually approve of. Inserting an insole into a stiletto makes them eligible for this deduction.
Pain and Suffering Shoe
11.______
Any shoe purchased due to pain and suffering (including emotional) or any shoe that causes pain and suffering should be deducted on principle
Total Shoe Deductions:
Total number of shoes that must be declared: