why I make fun of canadians - my fake shark attack

Sometimes people think I make fun of canadians because it's so easy. But that's not true. I make fun of them because they have this canadian way about them. You know how clothes are sold in discount places if they're defective? Canadians would be the defective americans sold in those shops.

Case in point...

I was on a vacation in St. Maarten with my friend Rita (links to other stories from this vacation are at the end of this post; they also make fun of canadians). On the second day of our vacation, after spending the day snorkeling, we went to a pizza place for dinner. We overheard some canadians talking about how dangerous it was to swim in the waters of St. Maarten. Rita, being much more social than I, interjected into their conversation to report that we had spent the whole day in the water and except for seeing some barracuda, had no problem.

One of the guys (who later in the night tried to bite beads out of my hair, subsequently getting us kicked out of a bar) said "No, it's very dangerous! Just today I saw a woman get attacked by a shark in knee deep water!" All the other canadians decided they would be safer spending the rest of their vacation golfing.

I thought golfing in St. Maarten? Seriously? For fuck's sake. Or maybe I said that out loud to them. I was a few beers into the evening so the rest of the conversation is a blur. But, being obsessed with sharks, I found it intriguing that there had been an attack. I made Rita promise that the next day we would go snorkeling to find the man eater.

Later in the evening, however, I realized that I was the one that the canadians thought had been attacked by a shark. What happened was...

Earlier that day, I had promised Rita I would teach her how to snorkel, but I was so hung over all I could do was lay on my chair 3 feet from the water and contemplate cutting my head off so it would stop hurting.

I finally fell asleep, and Rita, who was pissed about the snorkeling, decided it would be funny to put some cheese puffs between my toes. I hate cheese puffs and had been making fun of her for eating them all morning. Finally the drinks guy came around, and I managed to wake up enough to order a pina colada (hair of the dog that bit me).

Then I decided, after my drink arrived, that I would feel even more refreshed if I went into the water. I should mention here that the beach we were on was a topless beach. So, there I was, topless, hung over, carrying a pina colada and smoking a cigarette as I waded into the water. I imagine myself looking like a blond, skinny version of Bill Murray.

I waded into the water, focusing on not getting my cigarette wet, when suddenly I felt a pinching pain in my foot. I looked down and about 10 fish were biting my right foot. "What the fuck" I thought to myself. I lifted my right foot out of the water, and the fish suddenly focused on my left foot, biting me again. "God dammit!" I yelled, and then proceeded to start high stepping in the water, boobs flopping around, trying to keep at least one foot from getting bitten. Finally I am pretty sure I shrieked like a hysterical school girl and ran out of the water (spilling my pina colada).

Rita was doubled over on her chair laughing. I threw what was left of my pina colada on her and yelled "I could have DIED!" Later she told me about the cheese puffs between my toes. We ended up taking them with us when we finally went snorkeling, after I had a second pina colada that didn't get spilled, so we could get the fish close to us.

So that was my fake shark attack, courtesy of canadian imagination (bet you didn't know they occasionally have imagination).

I wish I could say it was the worst thing to happen on that vacation (besides almost drowning in the hotel pool, having a pervert lick my foot, and being accosted by other canadians), but later that week, because of snorkeling, I almost killed myself in the bathroom. For more on that vacation see http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2009/03/hott-tomato.html and http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2007/02/commodal-concussion.html.