Luv R/X - climbing for couples

So My Other Nine Lives is not my first two year book project...

In 2007 a guy named Dave was looking for a co-author for a book that was the brain child of my friend Joe (aka Brassy, I've written about him before - http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2009/03/rebuttal-by-joe-josephson.html), who at the time owned First Ascent Press (at this point I didn't know Joe). The book was supposed to be a serious relationship book to help couples who climb together.

Dave initially wanted to get this girl who was a famous climber with big tits to help him. Unfortunately she was depressed and hating on men because she had just had a bad break up (which begs the question why Dave thought she would be a good co-author - see comment about "big tits"). Anyway, he was talking to my friend Will and Will sent him a link to my blog. Then Dave read my blog and asked Will what I was like because he was looking for a co-author.

So I was sitting in a customer office at 730 in the morning when I see this email from Will:

She's one insanely bright, very ironic and overall entertaining person. She could well be good for the project. As per usual, the best way to deal with her is straight up, so I've cc:ed her. FF, meet Dave and vice versa. You two have no fun together now, y'hear?

I was like, what the hell is this? Then I saw this email from Dave:

Will,

 

Thanks. “Bright” can be a bit of a liability in the molasses of the modern aether, However, irony is always appropriate, and “insanely” anything is invariably promising. It’s the next question that always gets me into trouble.

 

“But can she type?”

 

Hi, Franki.

I was excited about the prospect of writing a book, and a bit put off by the "can she type" question. So instead of doing the appropriate thing, which would have been to think before responding, I sent this:

  

Of course I can type. My favorite word to type is vagina. If that's not in your dictionary maybe you should switch to the US version of English, rather than the Canadian version. In the lower 48* we also recognize crotchless as a word.

Hi David.

*based on contiguous land mass

 Surprisingly, Dave took me on as a co-author. I was excited and put together an outline, with bullets for each chapter. I put together a schedule, estimates on the words for each chapter based on the overall word count Dave had supplied. Will must have known what I was in for, because his last email said:

Nice to see two friends having some fun and possibly work. I take all credit and no responsibility for the creative celebration or disaster that may ensue. Good luck.

(highlighting added by me)

Over the next 6 months I wrote 140 pages, about 50K words. Dave wrote nothing. He didn't even read the stuff I wrote. I would send him chapters with a request for comments, and when he finally got around to responding to my emails it was usually a one word sentence making fun of me, with a picture attached of Dave skiing, climbing, or doing other stuff that was NOT writing the book.

In the end, Joe's publishing business went bankrupt. The book was never finished. Dave never wrote anything, except to add a line that said something to the effect of  "allowing your climbing partner to have a bite off of your gas stationed purchased burrito shows you are a true climbing couple".

I recently talked to Joe about taking what I wrote and trying to condense it into a series of articles for a climbing mag. He seemed enthusiastic, but he hasn't read anything yet. 

That's why I need to paint him a magic writing dinosaur. Then maybe he'll want to write with me.