contorted filbert

Today I had to go to home depot to buy another cactus because I'm obsessed with cacti and one of mine got a fungi and died.

I was wandering through the tree section because I was thinking to get another tree for my yard to block the sight of my asshole neighbor's yard when I spied this amazing thing:

It's called a contorted filbert. It's a shrub but you can prune it and disguise it as a tree. It grows to be 8 - 10 feet tall and is as wide as it is tall if you don't prune it.

I was in love. But it cost $70. I took a picture and sent it to my dad and asked if I should buy it. He said to research it online first.

So I did, thought it would be the coolest thing EVER to have in my yard, and I returned to Home Depot. Three people were mingling around Filbert touching his leaves so I had to almost run them over with my trolley to get them to back away.

The only problem was, I couldn't lift Filbert. He weighs 150 lbs. Also, I wasn't sure he would fit in my car. I asked if there was a way Filbert could be delivered to my house and the woman working in the tree section said "Honey, rent a truck."

Bitch.

So I went to a nursery up the street to see if they might have a contorted filbert, but smaller, so I could pick him up. They were like "um, no". Then I asked if perhaps they could order me a smaller contorted filbert. They were like "um, no".

So I bought a cheyenne mock orange shrub instead because this hot guy named Bret said it was his favorite bush (Bret works at the nursery and gallantly carried the shrub out to my car and refused a tip - I will be going back to see him). It smells like oranges and has white flowers.

employee of the week

That should be me! Today I deleted all the emails I received without reading them. It was fun.

And to contrast my new company with my old, I've already gotten invites from the VPs I'll be working with and everyone I interviewed with on linkedin and all the invites were welcoming me as a colleague to my new company. I sent my manager at my current company (who is the one who mandated I open a linkedin account) an invite a year ago. He still hasn't responded.

I really, really hope this is the beginning of the best job ever.

the important thing is...

Tuesday was my birthday, and ranks second as the worst birthday ever (worst birthday ever was when I was in the middle east). I was working on a client engagement which was a disaster because the idiots at my company sent the wrong laptops out to the client. The day went downhill from there.

But I will no longer be complaining about my company any more because I nailed the interview I had on Wednesday and will be quitting as soon as I have the offer letter in hand. The company that offered me the job is going to expedite things. I hope to be working there by the last week in June.

I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my friend Kevin got some interest in his wifesitter trailer from a producer in LA. Go us!!!!

And lastly, but not least, I talked to my friend Brassy today and he's giving a TED talk in October and I'm invited!!!! Even better, I'm going to visit him in June when I hopefully get some time off before starting my new job. I'm going to hang out with him and his girlfriend Taola who's MOT.

the amazingly stressful race

I just arrived in Temecula, CA. Never heard of it? Join the club. Me either. It's in the middle of nowhere.

So tomorrow I have to teach my class, then get all the laptops packed up, then drive 50 miles to John Wayne airport (if you've never driven in Cali you have no idea how stressful that is - at a drop of a hat a trip can go from taking 30 minutes to taking 3 hours) in time to catch my 6:55 flight to Oakland and somehow I'm supposed to look not tired during my job interview. Ech. I'll be glad when I'm back home in Denver on Wednesday night. For me this is the worst kind of travel. If I miss my flight tomorrow I'm up shit creek without a paddle, at least as far as getting a new job goes...

On a positive note, I bought blueberries to have for dinner and they're really good!

kitchen update

I met with my architect today and am really happy with the drawings she did for my new kitchen. I'm starting to feel better about how it's going to turn out. I think it's going to look really cool. And she made some enhancements on my original drawing so I feel like in the end there was value in bringing her into the project.

And my mom gave me a suggestion on where to put my wine racks and I think that's going to look really nice.

I got almost everyone in my HOA to agree on the new colors for our house. So fucking annoying. I had to hire the contractor, pick out the colors, and then test them to make sure they look nice. Thanks to everyone else in my building for doing nothing. Your welcome for making our building not look like shit.

hiring an intern may NOT save you money

I'm picturing that despair poster:

None of us are as dumb as all of us.

It certainly applies to my company.

It's not just that my new fucking laptop can't display on a projector correctly...why, you might ask...because they put two fucking vid cards in which cause compatibility issues with each other. And the software my company wrote to link to a projector (don't ask why we can't use commercial software - why buy off the shelf when you can make software) doesn't run on Windows 7. So, I have to use the company software but it doesn't work right because they STILL HAVEN'T FUCKING UPGRADED to Windows 7. IT doesn't know how to fix the problem. Great. Because I use a projector like every day and it causes me a lot of problems. I can't do dual display. And the display size that gets rendered on the projector is so huge I can't see my whole desktop. Ridiculous.

Probably the software is being built by interns. Like the fuck nut intern who was supposed to replace the expired license on the VMWare image I use for teaching classes.

You remember that disaster, right? Well, I was supposed to teach another online course next Tuesday. But, once again, they deployed an image with an expired license. I discovered that on Monday. MONDAY people. And the "support" desk said they couldn't, even when given A FUCKING WEEK, copy an unexpired license to the images. And the intern said this fix, which would take TWO FUCKING SECONDS to do, will be fixed "soon". This has been a problem since JANUARY.

So what do you think my company, who cuts corners at every turn when it comes to us consultants, decided to do? They shipped laptops to the customer site with the expired image, then asked if there was a way I could update the license remotely. Hell no. What am I supposed to do, transport myself to the customer site and back the hour before class starts?

So they decided, at 430 yesterday, that I would fly out to teach the class. Now I have to go to Temecula, CA on Monday. Much cheaper to do that than to have the fucking intern do his job (the customer is paying internet rates for an onsite class).

That also botched up my flight arrangements for my job interview on Wednesday. So I had to make these totally convoluted travel arrangements to get to my interview. I hope it goes well after all this.

Oh, and dipshit me left the little GPS holder onto the windshield thing in my rental car in New Orleans yesterday. I blame being fucking exhausted, but really I'm just a dumbass. Hope they sell them somewhere...

the big easy - it's not that easy

New Orleans, at least the part where I'm staying, is kind of el sucko. I'm in a bad neighborhood off of I-10. There are a lot of poles where street signs used to be, but the signs are gone. The roads look destroyed and they're a nest of hard to navigate twists and turns. Have they never heard of the grid pattern down here ya'll?

This consultant that I really don't like is auditing my class (I love the horrified expression on his face when I go off route and do a little experiment) and he takes a taxi to class every day because he's staying in an expensive hotel in the French Quarter that costs 5 times what my hotel costs and he didn't want to bother with a car because taking a taxi ride that lasts a half hour one way is SO MUCH CHEAPER than having a rental car.

This may explain why my company doesn't have enough money to send ME to training.

And this morning apparently the 730 class start time was too early for him. He rolled in around 9. And surprisingly (not!) has a "conference call" and won't be at class until 930 or 10. Yesterday I asked him if he could come early to help me get the class room set up (this is a NORMAL thing auditing consultants do). He said no, maybe because he would have had to meet me at the base at 630.

If he thinks I'm going to cert him to teach this class he should think again.

Luckily my lebanese buddy flies in for the class tomorrow and he's taking me to dinner tomorrow night. Though, that means I have to go to bed early tonight. I didn't sleep at all last night. Think I did my workout too late.

In other good news I have a job interview next Wednesday!!!!!! The company is flying me out to California. Unless everything looks like total shit I'm going to take the job.

And, on top of all of my other nonsense, I've been editing books for two friends, submitted a chapter of my book to a magazine, and am setting myself up for more rejections. Because I <3 rejection!

Oh, and to help my friend Kevin out I've agreed to take an online cooking lesson with a company called Dish Up Today and let him tape me during the lesson for a 5 minute promo video that will be posted on Dish Up's web site. That should be amusing since I'm the worst cook ever. I had a focus group on Saturday with the owner of Dish Up (he bought me lunch). He said he liked all of my ideas. Maybe he was just saying that so I'd be in the video.

smoking and stressed stewardesses

I was sitting at the Calgary airport on Friday reading Barry's first chapter. The book is amazing. I can't wait to read more.

But I was interrupted by this very rude old woman sitting at a table 10 feet away from me. "Can you smoke in here?" she asked me.

"You have to go outside" I said, wondering why she was talking to me.

"Well you need to stop smoking this instance!" she yelled. Everyone else in the lounge turned around to look at me.

"I'm not smoking." I said. I realized she had confused my fake cigarette with a real one but I guess I just felt like being an asshole.

"What's that then?" she asked, pointing at my fake cigarette.

"It's an atomizer." I said. "Real cigarettes smoke. You would be able to smell the smoke. That's how you can tell someone is smoking."

The waitress came over at that point to refill my water glass. The old woman waved her over and asked to to make me either leave or quit smoking. The waitress said I was allowed to fake smoke and that she could reseat her if it bothered her to watch me smoke (fake cigarettes don't really smoke, and there's a faint odor, but the lounge smelled like fried food, so I doubt anyone would notice it).

The old woman went on to comment to her friend and the people at the tables around her "I can't BELIEVE she is doing that in here!" like I was running around on the tops of the tables with my clothes off or something. ANNOYING.

Then the stewardess on my flight home lost her shit when she thought one of the passengers hadn't turned off his kindle during the landing. He tried to show her it was off and she started screaming at him that she could see text (which you can because the kindle has a splash screen when it's off). She kept saying "DON'T YOU DIS-RESPECT ME!!!!!" Then she went to the front of the plane and gave a 5 minute speech about how he had endangered all our lives. Everyone on the plane was laughing.

Ech. Can't believe I have to fly again tomorrow...

pizza joke

It was great to see Barry (dude has his own wikipedia page!) last night. I haven't seen him since we were artists in residence in the Banff writing program. I remember being terrified of him until he started making fart jokes. We ended up assigned in offices next to one another. I never got a damn thing written when Barry was around.

We'd agree to meet at the offices at 8 am. Barry was always lugging around a big bag of slides. I would work for about 15 minutes before he would interrupt me to come look at cool slides. Then he would try to get me to show him one of my tattoos or a scar. Then he would pretend he was going to let me work. Then he would come into my office and eat some of my smarties (new jersey, not UK).

We'd take a smoke break and he'd smoke one of my gauloise cigarettes even though he doesn't smoke. We'd go back into the office and he would say he was hungry and we would go to the cafeteria to get something to eat. He always ran into someone he knew. Before I realized it, it would be afternoon and I'd have to cram 6 hours of writing into 1.

He just got a book deal with Patagonia, but he has to finish writing his book by the fall. He's a little nervous about that. Which I can understand. I finished my book 2 years after the deadline I was supposed to meet to get published. He was feeding me shit about being the only person in the Banff program that failed to get published. Ech.

So I fed him shit about his recent knee problems. He's not sure what's wrong with his right knee but it had a lot of fluid in it when I looked at it. Hopefully it's not a meniscal tear. He's going to e-introduce me to a friend of his in New Zealand that just got a new kind of mechanical knee. Apparently she does all the shit she used to do before the surgery. I'd hate to give up my zombie knee for a fake knee unless the fake knee would allow me to run without pain.

We went to an italian restaurant for dinner. He ate the biggest vegetable salad ever and then a special that had clams in it. It was like clams and vegetables, which looked as weird as it sounds. I ate half my salad and some raviolis which I couldn't finish. He ate the rolls, which I called "penis rolls" because they looked really phallic. The waiter said "I can tell you're from out of town because you're sunburned". Love that Calgary weather. Though the sun was out today.

Barry's going to help me make some vids to promote my book if it ever comes out. Which will be fun, insane, and potentially R-rated if he takes me climbing on some scary shit. He got to work on the new Jason Bourne movie and we were laughing about that. Barry is hardly Hollywood.

Joke of the night:

What's the difference between a professional climber and an extra large pizza?

An extra large pizza can feed a family of four.

we really ARE born to run

Sitting in a strange hotel in Calgary, waiting for my friend Barry to get here so we can go to dinner...

I came across this article on NPR about how there is now scientifically proven information about "runner's high".

And for those who think I'M crazy - it's not just me. It's all runners.

"Morganti injured herself running two years ago and had to stop running. "And everything else fell apart," she admits. "My ability to cope with the stresses of life, my organizational skills juggling your job and motherhood, everything like that, wasn't as acute as it was when I was able to run and be fit."

And:

"Morganti treats runners for injuries, and she says they're the worst patients. "The treatment is to stop running," she says. "They won't. They don't want to. A lot of the behavior is not unlike the patients we have who are seeking drugs. It's really similar. It's an addiction.""

a new holiday?

I dragged my friend Kevin along on a hike today at Roxborough, since he lives right by it and has never been. We did Carpenter's Peak. I had fun, I think for Kevin it was more like the Bataan death march.

Anyway, we were hungry when we finished so we stopped at the safeway shopping center near the park. Choices of food were mexican and asian. We opted for asian as neither of us are huge mexican food fans (that is, the american version of mexican food).

As we were looking at the menu Kevin said something about not wanting to eat "fucking mexican food on Cinco de Mayo". Then he said "we're eating chinese food - it's chink-o de mayo".

The waiter was kind of like "um, what?" but Kevin didn't notice because he was busy texting his gay room mate, who responded "I fucking hate mexican food".

The end.

I'm getting Kevin into shape so we can do Bierstadt. Maybe by June if he keeps working out every day. He's a vegan now and has already lost some weight. Of course, he had extreme difficulty getting out of my car when I dropped him at his house. Something about a sore toe and a jacked up ankle. He'll live.

See you at the top!

a response from the editor who rejected me!

I sent a follow up email to the senior editor who rejected my book asking if he had any suggestions of publishers that might be interested in my book. And he actually responded today! So I'm going to follow up on his leads this weekend.

Maybe something will come of them...

ya'll talk too fast

In a small town near Memphis, TN, teaching.

I haven't been in the south in a while...

First I was told to stop "running in the hallway". I was walking at my normal pace.

Then I was told "ya'll talk too fast". I've tried to slow down and pretend I'm speaking to someone who just learned english.

And when a student asks me a question when I've just written the information on the white board someone else in the class says "readin's fer the rich".

Rowdy group of 12 DoD personnel. I managed to make it on base even though I went in the wrong gate (worst directions from the customer and the location isn't on the map or locatable through GPS). Unlike the east coast bases they didn't try to shoot me.

It's raining on and off so my hair looks insane. But that's not really new.

And, after SIX FUCKING MONTHS they STILL have not fixed the expired licenses on the VMWare image I teach on. So I got to spend my lunch hour updating 12 computers. ANNOYING. I really hate my company sometimes.

desperate times call for desparate measures

In the interest of forging ahead with my book (thanks to all at the pitch fest who sent words of encouragement! I super appreciate it!!!!!!!) I've been up to a few things this week.

1. I made some more edits to the colossal cringle crisp caper and am looking for kid's book contests.
2. I found a magazine that's having a writing contest and I'm going to enter my gimps on rock story. Chance of publication is probably a little larger than zero, but that's okay.
3. I met a woman at digifest this weekend who's a retired editor from Random House (she moved here from NYC last year to take care of her mom). I was talking to her about my memoir and she said she is also working on a memoir and was approached by an agent that she decided not to go with (she got an A list agent instead which would be impossible for me as an unknown writer). Anyway, she thinks that agent might be interested in me. So when she gets back from a trip she's on I am supposed to send her my query letter and a sample chapter, which she will pass on to a friend who's still at Random House, hoping that friend will then pass my work onto the agent.

Crazy, I know. Don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up that this will be anything more than another trip down the rabbit hole.

But if I don't go I'll never know what could have happened...

the STUPIDEST english word EVER

As usual, the only person in my four person unit that does anything for the common areas is me. I asked the guy next door to schedule for someone to come out and turn on the sprinklers (since he had to be home because he's the only one without keypad entry to his backyard and I don't want to try to coordinate between him and the lawn service). You would have thought I asked him to build me a replica of the Titanic with pixie sticks.

He's also the supreme douche fuck who sent me a nasty email about traveling too much. And the guy who's dogs barked so much that I seriously considered kidnapping them.

Anyway, we need someone to cut our common area grass because the two guys who own lawn mowers refuse to spend 10 minutes every other week cutting it. I started looking for a contractor on craig's list because if I didn't do it no one would.

I found a guy who offered us a rate of $45 (ridiculous) to cut our grass bi-weekly (in our discussion, that was every two weeks). I sent an email out to the HOA members asking what they thought. Douche responded back "we don't need our grass cut twice a week". I was like "I know, it's for every two weeks". He responded "So you mean BI-MONTHLY instead of BI-WEEKLY".

Now, I've been using the term "bi-weekly" for a long time. And it's always meant "every other week". So I was going to send him a link to dictionary.com to show him he was wrong. Instead I found this:

bi-weekly

   [bahy-week-lee] Show IPA adjective, noun, plural bi·week·lies, adverb

adjective

1.

occurring every two weeks.

2.

occurring twice a week; semiweekly.

noun

3.

a periodical issued every other week.

adverb

4.

every two weeks.

5.

twice a week.

 

What kind of stupid fucking shit is THAT? A word that can mean the opposite of its meaning? 

 

Someone should fix that.

 

 

but she has a key to my house, and may knife me in my sleep

Today I learned a valuable lesson.

I've been avoiding my friend, who is also my hairdresser, because I was afraid she would flip the fuck out about my deva haircut that I got from someone that wasn't her.

But she invited me to lunch today, and I decided to 'fess up. I said I would meet her for lunch and then admitted I had gotten my hair cut somewhere else. I thought I would mention it to her in email to prepare her, and to give her an opportunity to tell me to go fuck myself and not meet her for lunch after all.

But she ended up doing some research on deva, and was so impressed with my hair she said she's going to get her hair cut at Voila when she gets back from a trip she's taking to Sri Lanka.

Huh. Not the reaction I expected at all.

But I'm glad I told her and I'm glad she's not mad at me. And she said I've been a really good friend to her and helped her through some tough times.

So. Go me!

just add boobs and, what the hell, some dinosaurs

Me (in an email to my family about my book getting rejected):

Rejected.

My brother Steve:

This isn’t bad news.  He is saying she liked your book but it has a narrow audience focus.  So if you can expand your audience then they are interested, otherwise look for someone that deals in a niche.  So what can you do to expand your audience?  Get a camera crew to follow you around anywhere, doing anything or add in a lot of research and background material to draw the reader in and make them care about you or your situation.

Me:

I could add a villain who is also part zombie. Or take out all the pictures of my knee and replace them with naked women.

Steve:

Maybe you could get trapped under a boulder and cut your knee out with a  broken Leatherman.  Zombie are overdone these days, I think dinosaurs are due for a comeback.  How about you bleed onto a fossil and it comes to life.

 

 He's so pragmatic. Meanwhile my Uncle Joe did some research and found a publishing company that publishes books like mine. I'm going to get my submission in to them tomorrow.

rejected!

Random House passed on my book:

Dear Franki:

 

Thanks for letting us take a look at your material. As a runner with a bum knee, I read this with interest and found it quite riveting, not to mention harrowing.

 

A few people read with interest but ultimately it was decided that this book might better reach its target audience with a more specialized publisher with a greater outreach to the fitness community.

 

I did enjoy this look, and I wish you all the best with this.

 

Oh well.  Maybe he'll (the editor who rejected me) have some ideas on where else to send my book.

someone who has a lot of time to make costumes

Some clips from the digifest costume contest...

I wouldn't invite this person to a costume party unless you have a great costume too.

 

And, a guy proposes. That was weird. I guess Kevin and I are too cynical...

 

suicidal batman

Some clips from the digifest costume contest...

I appreciate that some people can spend 200 days making a costume for a 2 day event. But. For real?

This, as far as I could make out, is a suicidal batman.