contorted filbert

Today I had to go to home depot to buy another cactus because I'm obsessed with cacti and one of mine got a fungi and died.

I was wandering through the tree section because I was thinking to get another tree for my yard to block the sight of my asshole neighbor's yard when I spied this amazing thing:

It's called a contorted filbert. It's a shrub but you can prune it and disguise it as a tree. It grows to be 8 - 10 feet tall and is as wide as it is tall if you don't prune it.

I was in love. But it cost $70. I took a picture and sent it to my dad and asked if I should buy it. He said to research it online first.

So I did, thought it would be the coolest thing EVER to have in my yard, and I returned to Home Depot. Three people were mingling around Filbert touching his leaves so I had to almost run them over with my trolley to get them to back away.

The only problem was, I couldn't lift Filbert. He weighs 150 lbs. Also, I wasn't sure he would fit in my car. I asked if there was a way Filbert could be delivered to my house and the woman working in the tree section said "Honey, rent a truck."

Bitch.

So I went to a nursery up the street to see if they might have a contorted filbert, but smaller, so I could pick him up. They were like "um, no". Then I asked if perhaps they could order me a smaller contorted filbert. They were like "um, no".

So I bought a cheyenne mock orange shrub instead because this hot guy named Bret said it was his favorite bush (Bret works at the nursery and gallantly carried the shrub out to my car and refused a tip - I will be going back to see him). It smells like oranges and has white flowers.