the danimal

The past few days have been, even for me, strange.

It all started last night. I was at Wahoo's picking up fish tacos for dinner (my favorite fish tacos ever). I was standing against the railing, and, to set the scene, I was wearing climbing pants, a baseball hat, and a t-shirt, the same outfit I've been wearing all week, I hadn't showered for two days (working at home so why bother) and worse, I hadn't washed my hair in almost two weeks. And my hair was looking especially ratty since I had put a hair mask on it the night before and hadn't rinsed it out yet.

Suddenly this guy comes walking towards me from outside. He was dressed in really expensive clothes, including his shoes. I'm pretty sure they were hand made. That song "walking in memphis" was playing. He stood RIGHT next to me and said "will you dance with me?" I was like "whaaa?" and he said "please, I really, really want to dance with you".

I was like "dude, I'm just waiting for my food". There was a couple waiting in front of me for their food. I had ordered blackened salmon tacos which take a while to make. I was like please don't let them get their food and leave me with this maniac. Wahoo's was deserted, and the two idiots behind the counter were just staring at me as if the hamster turning their thoughts couldn't keep up on the wheel.

He said "Well, if you won't dance with me, come have a drink at the bar. I would love to buy you a margarita". He crooked his arm out like some old fashioned guy escorting me to a dance. I just looked at him. He reached out to grab my hand and I said "don't fucking touch me". He said "What's wrong???? I'm not hitting on you! Look, I'm married and have two kids." He held up his hands, palms facing towards me, and waved them around like a homecoming queen. He was not wearing a wedding ring.

Then he said "You coloradans are so cold. I miss California." The couple waiting for their food said "You can buy us a drink" so they sat down with him at the bar and he bought them drinks. He bought me a beer and tried to give it to me. I said "I don't drink beer". Then he bought me a bottle of water and I said "I don't drink that because it's bad for the environment".

By then the two guys behind the counter were laughing. The guy said "Look, my name is Daniel. I'm not a stalker. I'm not going to kill you. I just want to share the love." Uh huh. The couple started talking to him. He kept edging back over to me and trying to include me in the conversation. I was like where is my fucking food? I think the kitchen was being slow on purpose to see what would happen.

Daniel told the couple that he had a house in Redondo beach, on the water, and a house in Colorado, that he was starring in Spike Jonzes' movie "where the wild things are" (googled his name when I got home, that was a lie), that his friends call him "the danimal", that he loved to surf until he broke his back (surfing was playing on the tv behind the bar) and that he had a scar on his leg from getting bitten by a shark. Around then my food came, so Daniel turned to me and said "I can't believe you want to sit home alone when you could hang out with me." Right. Then he said "I'm sure I'll see you again. What is your name?" He held out his hand as if I should shake it.

I said "why do you think you'll see me in here again?" even though, ha ha, I eat there a lot. He said "because you live really close to here". That gave me a chill so I left.