mormons and cookies

Last night I went to see the book of mormon with my friend C and her daughter Bailey. Bailey's 21 and she reminds me of myself (no real interest in boyfriends because they are a waste of time and money, likes travel and adventure and has no intention to live a "normal" life). We hit it off from the get go and she asked me to teach her to climb, which I am going to do as soon as my foot is more solid. I'm pretty much over having a hurt foot.

My favorite line from the musical is when a mormon sings "I'm going to man up all over myself".

My favorite part was when the natives were doing the dysentery dance and the chief ran over to the mormon elders or what ever they're called and farted in their faces. Not because I care about a mormon getting farted on. I just find farts funny. It still makes me laugh remembering that part.

The musical, btw, makes fun of all religions, not just mormons.

And, the other day I made cookies for my colleague Dave because he did some shit for me. They were gluten free and I used agave nectar instead of sugar. MOST people liked them. But then Mr. Army the crazy fuck (who has a thing about cookies I bring in for some reason) decided to confront me about my healthy cookies:

Mr. Army: Those cookies tasted like shit! Why are you always making healthy shit?
Me: Because I care about the health of everyone I work with.
MA: I'd rather die early than eat a cookie like that again!
Me: Did I just say "go fuck yourself" out loud or did I just think it?
MA: No, fuck your cookies! And what's organic peanut butter anyway?
Me: It's peanut butter that's organic. Are you fucking stupid?
MA: Not fucking stupid enough to eat your cookies.
Me: So what do you want me to do, a cookie redo with unhealthy ingredients?
MA: I won't eat them because I'll just keep thinking that you fucked with them somehow.
Me: Yeah, because I'm in grade school and smart enough to know how to cook Ex Lax.

By this time all of the developers had gathered around. I would mention here that they were breaking the two remaining cookies into pieces so they could sample them.

Woman who recently had a baby: Mr. Army, what the fuck? These cookies are good.
MA: Shut up [woman who recently had a baby]! You have hormone issues and you don't know what tastes good! You're eating pickles and shit that pregnant women eat!
Woman who recently had a baby (to me): What is he talking about?
Me: I ask myself that every day.
MA: Stop ganging up on me you hippies!
A programmer: I thought the cookies were good too.
MA: You eat cookies from safeway. (then to me) And anyway, if these peanut butter cookies were supposed to be so healthy why did you put a hershey's kiss in the middle of them?
Me: I'm a complex person.
My friend C: And a gemini.
MA: Yeah you're all fucked up.
Me: (to MA) If I give you a kind bar will you shut the fuck up and go away?

At that point I decided to pack up and leave because I was getting nothing done at the office. I bid everyone a good evening, as I do every night, except for Mr. Army. I told him "I hope your evening sucks", gave him the finger, and left. The developers clapped.

Full disclosure, Mr. Army and I get along like a house on fire. We like to cause scenes to make people laugh.