Right as I was pouring a glass of wine my doorbell rang. It was the sister in law of my crazy next door neighbor (among other antics, he was supposed to pick me up from the airport after my surfing trip in February but got the date wrong and got everyone at DEN stirred up because he thought I had been kidnapped ).
Anyway, she said my neighbor had a massive mental break down two weeks ago and they were going to get him committed but he disappeared. Before disappearing he destroyed his phone so no one had a way to contact him. And for what ever reason he told his sister in law that I was the only person he trusted.
She asked if I was hiding him in my house and I said no. She asked if I could help find him and I said fuck no. She said she thought the mental problems he's having are related to drugs and I was like no shit. She said "I know he smokes a lot of pot" and I told her that he was also doing coke (at least at the dinner parties I attended). I also showed her the disturbing text messages he sent me right before he disappeared.
...and that's when my doorbell rang again. This time it was two crack head women (seriously, they smoke crack) who live across the street and two doors down from me. They said their kitten was stuck in the engine block of their van and asked if I would get the kitten out. Seriously. Do these people come to my house because I'm the only one who is dumb enough to answer my door after 8 PM?
The sister in law is a kitten lover so she was like "you have to help them!" So I got my mag flashlight and went out to the van and looked around the engine block until I found the kitten who was in fact not stuck. The fucking kitten was just hanging out in the engine block.
I was like "This kitten has no reason to hang out in the engine block. It's too stupid to live." And the crack heads and the sister in law were like "No, save the kitten!" So I said I was going to dump some water on the kitten but they were like "noooooo, that's sooooo mean!" I tried to fish the kitten out but couldn't get my arm in the engine block in such a way as to not kill the kitten pulling it to safety. Plus the two crack head women were holding the engine hood open and I didn't have a lot of faith in their ability to not drop it on me if I leaned to far into the engine.
So I got some tuna fish out of my pantry and put it under the van and the fucking kitten climbed out of the engine block and ate the tuna.
Here's the kicker. It wasn't their fucking kitten. It was just some random kitten. They realized this only after the kitten climbed out of the engine block.
I was like seriously, are you fist fucking me?
I gave the sister in law my cell number and promised to text her if my neighbor came home. By this point it was 930 and I was on the verge of an exhausted collapse but I had to eat something because I hadn't eaten much all day because I was just too busy.
I had a tuna fish sandwich because I was in the mood to be ironic.
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