my 2015 new year's resolutions

1. I will quit being paranoid that every time I buy AA or AAA batteries at the store the check out person thinks the batteries are for a vibrator. For the record I do not own a single sex toy or any pornography.
2. I will stop picking up produce at the grocery store and pretending I'm trying to see if it's ripe or not because I honestly have no idea and no one in the produce department is watching me thinking "wow she must be a great cook because she's really checking out the produce to make sure it's ripe, I'm so impressed."
3. I will use my new rower at least 4 days a week to build up my arm muscles in the hopes that some day I may be able to carry it upstairs.
4. I will stop obsessing about my fitbit (caveat: I'm getting the one with the HR monitor as soon as it comes out so I might obsess about the new one for a week or two) and having my feelings hurt when it chides me to get in 500 (or how ever many) more steps. My fitbit is just a little computer and it actually doesn't care how much I work out. So stop taking it personally. And being obsessed with getting badges. It's stupid. No one cares if I got the India badge. Australia badge, though, that will be impressive. Did I just say that? Stop. With. The badges.
5. I will only order sushi delivery once a week. Or less. Did I mention a restaurant opened near me that delivers sushi? Have I died and gone to heaven? No. And if I really want to eat sushi three times a week I should walk to the restaurant except for once a week, or less, when they can bring it to me. Once a week sushi delivery isn't excessive is it?
6. I will learn to meditate without my mind immediately filling with that 1970s United Dairy Farmers radio commercial playing in my head. UDF. United Dairy Farmers. Your neighborhood food store. Fucking stop it already.
7. I will learn to harness the powers of my droid maxx because my brother Steve said my phone should be able to do almost anything for me (if my phone orders sushi delivery without my knowledge that's not my fault...is there an app for that? I hope not because I might install it by accident not knowing what it does).
8. I will complete my cooking class and my astronomy class by February.
9. I will eat 2 carrots a day and will eat asparagus at least 4 times per week instead of just eating arugula all the time. Anyway, the arugula sucks lately.
10. I will stick with my disgusting herb treatment until the end of March and will complete 3 more acupuncture treatments and will take it seriously and stop thinking "and after this I get to drink some toenail tea" when I'm supposed to be embracing positive energy and universal light and all that shit. For the record, the tea tastes awful.

So here goes 2015!