Just got into San Fran today (so glad I won't be doing this kind of travel anymore - I fucking hate having only one day at home before I'm off to the next place - how crazy is it that I'm in Orlando one day and San Fran two days later - no one should have to do that kind of travel).

I'm staying in a totally shit hotel in the tenderloin district. I knew I had arrived in the right place when I was confronted by a man wearing only pink Y fronts and a pink feather boa. He said "I love you Greta Garbo!" (I was wearing a hat and sunglasses - I blew him a kiss and he screamed and flapped his boa around).

Walked around the neighborhood. It's been a while since I've been here. When I lived in Capitola back in 2000 - 2001 I used to know San Fran like the back of my hand. But today I kept getting confused about where I was. I went to the fruit market and bought cherries. They were $1 a lb (they are $8 a lb in Denver). The lady was like "wow, that's a lot of cherries you're buying" and I was like "well, I'm here for three days" and she was like "that's a lot of cherries to eat in three days". Really? Because I've already eaten a quarter of them. So fresh and good, I LOVE cherries. I should have bought peaches too.

Then I decided to time the walk to the lab where I'll be retaking my drug test. I passed a theater where I once dragged my ex-husband's company to see a one man play called "Don't Make Me Say Things That Will Hurt You". It was about a gay guy who broke up with his lover and involved, at one point, him waving two double headed dildos around with Mr. Potato Head face parts glued to the penis heads. Imagine 6 terrified software engineers, most from the east coast, sitting in the front row with me. I laughed my ass off through the whole show and then we had crepes.

I passed the Hotel Rex, where, a few months after my divorce, a rich Indian guy I had met through a friend reserved a room for me so he could meet me in person. His name was Raj. I flew in early Friday morning and was supposed to leave on Sunday. He paid for my plane ticket from Baltimore and the room, picked me up at the airport, took me for drinks in the US Bank Building (best bar ever), dropped me at the hotel, and I never saw him again. We were supposed to meet for lunch the following day but he never called. I took advantage of the time by having dinner with my ex-husband and his then girlfriend. Sunday I saw Vanilla Sky and was like that's kind of my life, bought the sound track, and listened to it the whole flight home. Got an email from Raj two months later, on Valentine's Day. I didn't respond.

I walked passed the argonaut book store, where I used to buy books. Passed a restaurant near Fillmore where I used to eat after going to the ballet. Passed Le Central, the oldest french bistro in San Fran, where we sometimes had dinner on Friday nights. Walked up a steep hill and thought about how I always had to drive in San Fran because my ex could never manage the clutch on hills. Thought about how me and my friend Kerreck, who was a ballet dancer, used to sneak into unused boxes at the ballet (we'd go to our proper seats in the grand tier and when the ballet started we would sneak out and into an unused box).

Then I started thinking about how I should try to go to the exploratorium before I leave Wednesday night and how it was there that I first discovered I have a heart murmur (I was checking my heart rate on a machine that made a graphic of heart rate and a doctor walking by stopped and was like "oh my god, you need to get that checked out!" because my heart rate looked like a stair case instead of a mountain range).

I remembered how my ex used to pretend to be retarded in public and how I would yell at him and people would look at me like I was a bitch (he was acting retarded on the street and one woman stopped, patted him on the head, and said "you are a very special boy!" before glaring at me). He also, on my 30th birthday, told me we were going to a wedding but it ended up being Tony and Tina's wedding. Everyone in the audience knew it was a surprise for me. I was sitting in the church wondering why all these people I knew had been invited to the wedding when the show began. About 10 minutes into it I was like "this isn't a real wedding!" and everyone in the audience laughed. Three software engineers that worked for my ex, Brian, Bryan, and Matt, gave me a real Navy SEAL diving knife that was engraved with "I'm gonna git you sucka!" on one side and "Love Brian, Bryan, and Matt" on the other. My sister's asspipe (now ex) husband threw it out when I stored my dive equipment at their house during a move. The night of my birthday I strapped it to my thigh like I was a Bond girl.

Wow. That was a long bunch of what the fuck reflection. I was sitting on the plane today thinking how everything in my life is changing (not just work but why delve into my personal life) and I thought of this poem someone gave me last year about this guy watching deer in the snowy woods. The last line is "I realize I've wasted my life".

Don't want that to be my poem too. Change is good.