do you work for free?

My mathematician friend, who is a constant source of amusement, sent me an email he wrote to an amazon seller from whom he was trying to buy shit for his bike. He ordered some brake pads for them only to find out the shipping costs were as much as the brake pads. He cancelled the order once he found that out, citing the reason for the cancellation as the shipping being to costly. The seller, who obviously needs to take some business classes, sent him an email:

We have to do about 15 mins of paperwork for all international orders, & then we have a 23 mile round trip to bring international packages to our post office where they all have to be weighed & measured. Time is money, do you work for free ?    ..... because my shipper doesn't & neither do I.
I think a lot of customers lose site that when you order online, you are paying for a service,  so you can sit at home & have your stuff delivered to your door without having to run around shopping trying find what you want, saving time & gas. If you don't like shipping cost then go & support your local bicycle shop instead of ordering online.

So he sent this response (hee):

Hey, [dick head amazon seller],

We're losing something in all the relays and translations, here. I'm not trying to insult you, or demean your efforts to provide customer service. I completely understand that folks are investing effort and trying to make a living from every one of these transactions and shipments.

Here's my customer experience to perhaps give you some context for my comment:

The headset on my three year old cyclocross bike is starting to 'clunk'. I'm thinking "that timing is about right, since these days the manufacturer is all about tapered headsets and they probably don't make the one that will fit my bike anymore".

I go to the manufacturers' websites for the specs, rather than riding to my LBS, since I’m at work and am supposed to be working.

The manufacturers website is a carnival of videos and links to race results and t-shirt sales, but after about 10 minutes I'm pretty sure it is not going to tell me anything quickly about the OMS headset for their 2010 model.

But while I'm there, I see a link to the results of one of their sponsored racers and I remember seeing a magazine feature about his bike back in the day, which prompted me to buy mine in the first place. I look that up, and there it is in a photo - super fancy ceramic headset - not like the one on my bike that goes clunk.

I crib the name of the part from the picture and hit the search engine. I discover that - wonder - that particular headset is no longer being advertised by its manufacturer, but seems to be available all over the internet at deep discount. I begin to salivate.

I try a couple of direct orders, but the part seems to be sold out at most distributors. I am referred to Amazon Marketplace again and again, though, because they seem to have collected all the Google box tops and are put at the top of the results for every search.

I go there and query. They say they have the headset. Yay! And I have an account, even, because I've bought books from them in the past. Cool.

I put the headset in my 'shopping cart' on their website.

Before it lets me pay, Amazon tells me that "people like you also recently purchased..." and shows me a bunch of little pictures across the bottom of the screen. I remember that my LBS was out of Swissstop Green pads last time I asked for them and I hate having to default to Shimano pads because they get black rubber dust all over everything. I add a 4 pack of the Swissstop pads to my Amazon cart.

I use Amazon's "one click check out" and go back to paying work.

Email confirmation of my order comes to my inbox. The email tells me that the headset is coming from one supplier in one place, and that the brake pads are coming from another supplier in another. I think "That's pretty stupid".

Amidst a bunch of other reassuring stuff, their email also mentions that the shipping charges for the brake pads will be 130% of the cost of the product itself. I think "that's *really* stupid."

"This is not an economic trend I should be encouraging", I further decide, "I could wait the time it will take the order to get to me here in Kanukistan and the pads will be in stock again at my LBS".

I click the link provided for "if you need to return an item from this shipment or manage other orders, please visit 'Your Orders' on Amazon.com".

I cancel the order with the handy button there, and in the comment box, because I'm polite, I give them a little feedback and say, "Shipping cost disproportionately high" in case the presence of the comment box is actually a sign that they are interested in my consumer experience and are willing to consider the reasons for the cancellation.

Amazon sends me a note telling me my brake pad order has shipped and dusts their hands of the matter - " Thank you for shopping with us. We thought you'd like to know that [dick head seller] shipped your item, and that this completes your order. Your order is on its way, and can no longer be changed."

Hmmnnn... I mull this over for a bit.

And decide, "Caveat emptor. You just wanted the snazzy headset anyway, and the discount on that will offset your now-pricey brake pads", I continue with my work.

But, I am clearly not having a good day. Amazon sends me a notice saying that the order for my headset has been cancelled because the item is out of stock at wherever it was in that other place they had said they were going to ship it from.

I am saddened by this news. I am not relishing further internet adventures. Plus, my bike will continue to judder every time I brake in the interim. I notice with wry amusement, however, that the headset part of the shipment, were I to receive it, would have only cost me 8% of the purchase price of the headset for its actual shipping... A shame. Ah, well.

This morning on the way to work, a commuter coming downhill out of control on his mountain bike along the narrow, tree-lined bike path nerfed me off the outside of a blind corner as I was riding up. He had disk brakes, but was going about a million miles an hour.

I was standing to climb as he came at me, and I bunny hopped sideways to get out of his line. My bike was sort of clear, but he hit my left hand with his handlebars and ploughed his helmet into my left shoulder with significant force, knocking me over the edge.

Lying in the punji stakes I had just made, I thought, "For Fucks Sake!" (I may even have said that part out loud), and struggled back toward the path in the hope of catching the idiot and beating the shit out of him.

I needn't have bothered - when I found him tangled in his bike in the trees on the other side of the path a little way downhill, his nose was broken and there was blood and mud and torn clothes everywhere.

He seemed dazed and intimidated. We exchanged a few words, but he refused help and gave every indication of wanting to get on his way. I picked my bike out of the bushes and rode on up the path, massaging my shoulder. He limped out of sight around the next corner down, wheeling his piece.

My shifter was twisted on the drop from the accident and the bar tape under it was unraveling, but further damage seems to have been prevented by my left hand taking most of the hit. My glove was torn. My front brake was dragging on the wheel. My headset seemed worse than before.

Here at the office, facing another day, I find your email in my inbox, as copied below. You employ the word "site" inappropriately and seem to be arguing that you are saving me from having to "run around shopping".

Next to it, a marketing outfit has sent two messages offering me a $50 Amazon gift certificate if I will participate in a survey.

I just now have discovered a trail of dried blood on my neck, coming from my left ear. No one I've talked to in the course of business this morning has said anything about it.

All I want to ask you is...

Do you have any good bar tape in stock? I'm going to have to rewrap my drops after I fix that left shift lever and its cabling tonight.

For all of us who shop online...ha  ha  haaaaa.

And yes, I am too jet lagged today to write my own blog post. That's why I make friends with amusing people.