the general's banquet

Well, the first two meetings I had on Thursday were a waste of time. Me sitting there doing nothing while everyone talked in Korean. People talking trash about the tool. The sales guy didn't even know what an audit ID was so he asked me in the middle of the discussion. I was getting totally aggro at everyone for talking shit about my software in front of me (I love the software I support). I wanted to bitch slap one of the customers into next year because he said the tool wasn't working and the problem was not the tool, it was him.

Then we went to talk to a gov agency in Korea. I walked in exhausted, because it was 5 in the evening and really hot (no air conditioning in most of the offices). I figured I'd be sitting around waiting for the translator to ask me a question in English as I had the previous calls. Instead, I walked into a packed room and there was a presentation I had never seen before. The colonel running the meeting was like "you can begin doing the presentation". I was like shit shit shit! But what's a girl to do?

So I cranked through the slides, fearing for my life every time I hit the "next" button because I had no idea what was on the next slide. I was sweating bullets. The presentation lasted 2 hours.

At the end the colonel I presented to said that the general was so pleased with my presentation that he wanted to take me out to dinner. All I wanted to do was go back to my hotel, take my shoes off, and collapse. But instead they took me to a traditional korean restaurant. All the sales guys were psyched we got asked out to dinner. Then I told the general I couldn't eat pork, so we got beef. Later the sales guys were like "Nice job! Beef is 5 times as expensive!"

We were in this room with sliding doors, a low table, and mats on the floor that we were supposed to sit on. The general made me sit in the center of the table as the guest of honor. He sat across from me and stared at my legs while I tried to find a way to sit in my skirt and not pull a Sharon Stone. One of the korean sales guys gave me his jacket to cover up. The general and I had a conversation, but I have no idea what he said because his english wasn't that great, even before he started drinking. Alcohol was flowing like the rain we had had all day.

I started to worry the general was trying to get me drunk, so I used a ruse that I learned about reading a book on Korean etiquette. You're never supposed to fill up a glass of alcohol until it's empty. The general caught on to this and started filling my glass, saying "we do this american style". So I started shifting my glass around with everyone else's. The sales guys were more than happy to drink my drinks since the general wasn't putting out for them, and it saved me from getting drunk.

As a side note, one of the sales guys told me Korea consumes the second largest amount of alcohol in the world. Russia is first. I totally believe it. I couldn't understand how everyone drank so much and was still standing.

I was sitting on my bad knee in a tremendous amount of pain. The food was great, marinated beef (cut with scissors because the koreans think having knives at dinner is rude, perhaps they worry about sharp instruments and drinking), this corn thing, tofu with hot peppers, some vegetable that was a really cool acid green color, 8 kinds of kim chee, and what was described to me in english as "vinegar soup". It's impossible to describe the taste, which was kind of like vinegar, but it's the coolest soup I've ever had.

The only real bad thing I did at the dinner was say something inappropriate to the general. He was telling me how he had been stationed at Lowry AFB and how he missed the winters in Colorado. I started to get excited about snow (it was so fucking hot in the room) and I said "DUDE! You should have SEEN the snow we got two years ago!"

The room went dead silent. The officers attending the dinner all paused, mid eating, and stared at the general. I was suddenly like oh my fucking god, did I just call the general dude???? Shit shit shit.

But, he laughed and told his troops that "dude" is an english term of affection, and that I called him that because he was so americanized I forgot he was korean. Uh. Nice excuse. The rest of the night everyone called each other dude because the general was doing it. One of the sales guys said that is my mark on korea and the government will never forget me because I did that at dinner.

Then the dinner was finally over. As I was standing outside the room putting on my heels (even in bare feet I was the tallest person there) and the general grabbed my arm to "help make steady of you". Then we went outside and I tried to shake the general's hand and thank him for dinner. He said "No shake, american style (the phrase that preceded all the inappropriate things that happened to me in korea)" and then he suctioned himself on to me like a little bear. I looked at the sales guys, unsure what to do since I couldn't move my arms. They finally peeled him off me and his troops escorted him back to the base.

We got back to the hotel and the sales guys insisted we get a drink. Because I was with them they could drink and eat for free. They were really psyched that the presentation went well (they were probably worried after the previous day's little shit show). More drinking. I had one beer and then tried to stay awake waiting for everyone else to finish their evening because it's considered rude to leave people when you are out with them.

But, I finally deserted everyone for the hotel because I was tired as hell. I got lost getting back to the hotel from the bar. Seoul is such a difficult city to get around in everyone has 3D GPS. There are all these side alleys and unmarked streets and it's easy to lose your way.

The final result of my trip is that the general wants me to come back and train his staff. My liver would never survive. Plus, I'm bad at the fake smiles when people talk to me and I have no idea what they are saying. Or so the sales guys tell me.

And, a quick word about them. They were the absolute sweetest, most thoughtful people I have ever worked with. They called me "the iron woman" because my computer bag was so heavy. They insisted on carrying it for me and had to switch off turns with it. They were always worried to get me the best food in any restaurant we went to. They ordered a huge thing of fruit at every bar we went to so I could eat dragon fruit (one of my favorite, except when it's dried out). They even called me on the bus back to the airport to make sure I got on the right bus.

They told me I should move to seoul and marry a guy there because they treat their women like they are queens. There's none of the chauvinism you find in some countries. So far seoul is my favorite country I've been to in Asia.

Unless you consider Turkey Asia. Which I don't.