will not dig a ditch for dinner

On saturday a work colleague invited myself and my friend Neil to dinner at his girlfriend's house. I'd met her once and wasn't very fond of her, but Neil liked her so I agreed we would go.

Neilski and I went to the baltimore museum, and then we walked around the sculpture garden, and then drove to the girlfriend's house on Solomon's Island. We got lost because Neil was telling me this hilarious story and we forgot to look for our exit off the highway. We found it in a roundabout way and were only a half hour late. My colleague, we'll call him C, did not think it was funny when I called him from the girlfriend's (we'll call her G) porch to say that we were really lost. Even though he was standing only 10 feet away from me he didn't notice and was getting all pissed that I was going to be late and when I finally told him to turn around he didn't even smile when he saw me.

G walked up to me and gave me a hug. She was either totally coked up or really drunk. She was acting insane. She went to get us drinks and Neil looked at me and said "do you think they didn't really want us to come?" I was pissed because I wanted to just hang out with Neil in Baltimore but C insisted we come to dinner. And now that we were there they were acting weird.

C told us we were having kabobs and that we had to make them because he was busy doing something else. Neil and I were just looking at each other laughing. So we got to work. I first made an Audrey Hepburn kabob out of filet mignon, a zucchini for her dress, red peppers for her lips, and then a mushroom for a hat. I also made a sail boat for C, who sails, that had an onion for a seagull. I made Neil two models that were mad at each other. Then I made a christmas tree, a fox, and a suspicious looking man with a squash for a hat.

C came in from where ever he was and asked why it was taking me so long to make kabobs. I showed him what I made and all he said was "you didn't put enough meat on them! make some that are all meat since you used up all the vegetables!" Neil said my kabobs were nice though. He ate both models. G said I had "sexualized" the kabobs. She almost didn't eat one. C ate the boat.

We sat down to dinner and G dominated the conversation to the point no one could say anything. I kept kicking Neil under the table. A few times when Neil tried to talk G would interrupt him as if she didn't notice. C tried putting his hand on G once to get her to shut up for two seconds and she said "oh, I know, I'm talking TOOOOOO much". And then she kept right on talking. It would have been bearable if it had been an interesting talk, but she was going on and on about how much money she has, how she never entertains without having hired help (guess Neil and I were the hired help), and how everything in the world is fucked up. Nothing she said was very coherent. She threw in a few digs at C about how her mom thinks he isn't good enough for her because he's not rich. That pissed me off.

Then we walked around her garden and got a lecture about her "fabulous" trees, even though she was calling the trees by their wrong names. Neil tried to correct her once and got his head ripped off. Then Neil said that if he lived at her house he would run around the yard naked all the time. She was like "that is just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!" as if Neil had suggested we all do that, immediately. I was walking behind Neil because I was laughing so hard at her reaction I didn't want anyone to see me.

I ended up doing the dishes. She just piled them up in my arms and said "rinse these and then run the dish washer". Oh, uh, I'm the maid?

Finally we got to her back porch, where there is a water leak. By then the sun was going down. She suggested, and I am NOT making this up, that Neil and I might want to dig up the leaky pipe since she had provided us with dinner. She seriously wanted us to dig a 10 foot trench in her back yard. It was unbelievable.

C tried to get us to stay for a glass of wine but Neil said we were both tired and we left. We laughed the whole way back to baltimore, but not just about G. My favorite story Neil told was about his "bad boy papers", but that's not one I can share here.

I got home at 1230 this morning, didn't get lost, but did get stuck in a torrential downpour.