Jeffy and my liver: the search and destroy mission

Yesterday while I was on the most boring conference call on the planet, possibly in the entire universe, Jeffy texted me to meet him at Dell Frisco's. I called him after my meeting ended, and he said I should come see him. He then suggested I might want to wear something nice.



I went up to my room and tried to find "something nice" to wear, but, since I gave away all my clothes with the thought I would buy new ones, and I haven't bought any new clothes since I hate shopping with a passion, I ended up wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans. I was by far the worst dressed person in the place, so Jeffy kept introducing me as an engineer, hoping to explain my outfit I guess.



We started off the evening with a glass of shiraz that was the best shiraz by the glass I've ever had. Jeffy had sent me an article earlier in the day about a SEAL friend of his that died because he failed to deploy his chute (http://www.military.com/news/article/seals-own-errors-led-to-chute-deaths.html?col=1186032325324&ESRC=navy-a.nl ). On top of that bad news he also found out at 6 in the morning that he was going to have to do something really hard at work next week. Then there's the other problem that involves his ass which I won't go into. We both needed a drink.



Then he had to go "do some business" with some guys at the bar, so he left me in the care of Jack, whom he introduced as "you know, one of you engineering types". Jack works on the Atlas booster program. The entire time I was talking to him he kept looking around the room, I guess in the hopes someone would rescue him. No one did. We finally found some common ground talking about math (his father is a theoretical mathematician).



So, in an attempt to raise Jeffy's spirits, we went into the restaurant for dinner. Jeffy decided to procure a very expensive bottle of wine as a starter, as well as some steak tartare. Before he ordered the steak tartare, though, he decided to read through the entire menu just so he could say things like "oh, look, shrimp, that would be good but you can't eat that because you'll die". He also told his friend Jack how he could write his name on my arm in honey and make me look like that exorcist kid.



I tried to order the fish but Jeffy took my menu away from me and told me I was having steak instead. Then we had our wine decanted, but not before Jeffy sent the first decanter back to the kitchen because he thought it looked stupid. They brought out a new one that looked like a bong.



I learned some pretty cool things last night. First, Dell Frisco's will make a book for you to save the labels of wine bottles you really like. Second, when you order a good bottle of wine you're supposed to pour a glass for the sommelier. Third, one of the waitresses at that place smokes a lot of pot and has a crush on Jeffy, so she kept coming over and sitting at our table, chugging wine while Jeffy blocked the manager's view. The sommelier that picked our wine is named Aubrey and he has impeccable taste, as well as being exceedingly charming. He said some pretty funny things last night, but unfortunately the one liner that I remember was, after drinking some of the wine, "If Mary drank this I bet she would have a little lamb". Um, maybe you had to be there for that to be funny.



When our main course arrived Jeffy ordered a different wine. Just to be annoying I kept saying "Wow, I like this better than the first bottle" because everyone else who tried it kept saying how much better the first bottle was. We talked about the book (Dell Frisco's is going to distribute it at all their restaurants) and Jeffy said I needed to interview a bunch of strippers. Why would I need to interview a bunch of strippers for a diet book you may be asking. Exactly. I started introducing myself as Jeffy's co-author, and then saying "And I'm going to be interviewing the strippers". One of our waiters thought I said "surfers". That led to a weird conversation where he talked about how in Hawaii he loved to see them get up on a board, and me thinking "what, they don't have poles on the island?"



While we were talking about the book Jeffy suddenly said "Hey, what was all that shit on your blog?" I was like "what shit?" and he was like "those weird things". At first I thought someone might have hacked by blog, but then I realized he was referring to the poems I posted. I tried to explain the concept of a poem, but he kept shaking his head and saying "That was some weird shit. You didn't spend a lot of time writing that shit, did you?"

Jack, who had been sitting at the bar, came over to our table as we were finishing dinner. Jeffy was asking me why I don't have FlyClear and I said "because it's gay". Jack said I had improperly used the word "gay". Then our waiter brought us home made chocolate truffles but I don't really eat chocolate so I told Jack he could have my truffles. Not eating chocolate resulted in Jeffy making more comments about how I'm "so fucking weird". Then he told me this white blob truffle was not chocolate, and then after I put it in my mouth he was like "oh, my mistake, that was chocolate".

The night ended with Jeffy suggesting I cut off all my hair because he thinks short hair is cute. I know exactly what he is up to. He wants me to cut off all my hair before I interview the strippers so he can watch them hit on me because they will think I'm a lesbian. That will be one more thing he makes fun of me for, I just know it.

What a little shit.

I woke up this morning, after only 5 hours of sleep, with a headache that had Jeffy's name written all over it. Made the plane trip to DC...fun.