This evening I decided to stop fucking around and just write something. So here's the draft prologue to the book:
The Legend of the Croco-diamond
From The Legends of
all the Creatures in all of The Worlds, by Baron Joseph von Noseworth-Socks
and Dr. Mimsy A. Crumbles:
In the time of the time in question, which is much earlier
than time is now, there existed a King Muckles-string who oversaw the kingdom of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea
(though in truth it was just close to the sea). And the King had a terrible problem.
There was a building central to the town, The Raincoat
Keeper, where all the raincoats, back up raincoats, raincoats for future use,
and previous raincoats which could no longer be used were stored. It rains quite
frequently in New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea. The building was old, and, as
the town people often said, a bit wobbly.
In any case, one day the King had arranged a parade for all
of the heavy things in the town. He was trying to promote fitness. So the
townsfolk dutifully gathered up all of the heavy things and loaded them onto
carts for the parade. There was a statue of a camelsaurus (the King was quite
fond of dinosaurs), and Mr. Elmsberry’s fish tank which contained, among other
rare species, a leafy dragon eel. Also in the parade was a giant sack of pennies
that the elder Mrs. Fungalstinn had spent her life collecting, a model of a
volcano used during National Lava and Explosions Week, a giant egg whisk made
of solid metal that commemorated the mention of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the
Sea in book nine of the poggly woggly adventure series, the local cat that ate
all of the rats, and finally the De Confetti family’s collection of bricks.
The Parade of Heavy Things was meant to start at the edge of
town, circle The Raincoat Keeper, and then proceed to the other edge of town.
But as the Parade of Heavy Things began circling The Raincoat Keeper a terrible
thing happened.
The building shuddered, then sighed, and all of the walls and the roof collapsed into a
pile of dust as if the Raincoat Keeper had never existed. Raincoats began to
blow around New Dunsley Clackyshire. People were seen walking down the street
with red children’s raincoats stuck in their hair, yellow crossing guard’s
raincoats plastered to briefcases, and blue fishermen’s raincoats caught on the
bottom of shoes.
As New Dunsley Clackyshire is in a valley, the raincoats blew
in a circle around the town. Pretty soon everything was covered with raincoats
– the sidewalks, the houses, even the camelsaurus. If one saw it one would
imagine it was just a giant coat rack and not an esteemed dinosaur. The people
of the village picked up the rain coats but had no where to put them and, in
any case, more blew in to take the place of the ones people picked up.
Around this time a Croco-diamond came to the village. He
seemed out of breath as he arrived. One might have thought he had been running
though Croco-diamonds aren’t normally known to hurry. He was dragging behind
him a large corked bottle. Something grey and cloudlike was
swirling around inside it.
“Greetings good people of the town of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea! What a
fine town you seem to have! I am amused by your decorations. Perhaps it is National
Raincoat Day? I do love holidays. Especially ones that last a week. Why just
the other day I was telling King Ramsley of North Cuffsley…”
A breeze picked up and blew a pink polka dot raincoat onto
the Croco-diamond’s head.
“Well, I see I have now joined in your raincoat celebration.
I thank you, the good people of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the…”
More raincoats landed on the Croco-diamond, sticking to the
jewels on his spine and tangling around his finely manicured nails.
“Mmmphff. Well. This is a bit of a situation.”
The king rushed forward and pulled the rain coats off the
Croco-diamond. Croco-diamonds are considered royalty according to Von Murray
Royalty Reference and the king was embarrassed about the rain coats
landing on such an esteemed figure.
“Oh pardon,” said the king as he held up his royal robe to
shield the Croco-diamond from further rain coat assaults. “We had a parade of
heavy things and…”
“I am very much in a hurry,” said the Croco-diamond,
interrupting the king. “You see, my favorite uncle has fallen into an abysm
while looking for a button and I must rescue him.”
“An abysm?” asked the king.
“Yes, he was strolling through the moors with Lord Fangerly
when he lost a button. While looking for the button he fell into an abysm. One
can only be grateful he fell into an abysm and not a schism. Or a crack. Or a
fissure. Or a rent or a rupture. Imagine if my uncle had fallen into a split or
a sunder. Though I supposed one might not
be able to fall into a sunder. And all for a button…”
“A button? I mean, an abysm?” asked the king again. He was
very confused.
“Yes. I see you understand. So I have created a vortex to
pull him out of the abysm.” The Croco-diamond pointed to the bottle with the
swirling cloud inside. “I must make haste to the moors! So if you would be so
kind…”
But just at that moment a rain coat landed on the head of
Mr. Elsmberry,
who stepped backward onto the tail
of the cat that ate all of the rats
(who was, at that
moment, trying to eat Mr. Elmsberry’s fish),
causing the cat to jump on the De
Confetti family’s collection of bricks,
causing a brick to fall onto the
bottle next to the Croco-diamond.
There was a sharp CRACK and then a loud WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH.
“Oh dear,” said the Croco-diamond. “There goes the vortex. I
fear a bad result for all.”
The vortex rose from the ground and swirled above the crowd,
spinning faster
and faster as it
rose.
“The camelsaurus!!!” cried the king, running to protect his
beloved dinosaur.
BUT.
The vortex, in fact, was slowly sucking in all the rain
coats. As it spun around the town, looking somewhat like a tornado but also
like a cone of multi-colored cotton candy, it sucked up the polka dotted rain
coats, the firemen’s rain coats, the ancient rain coat of Great Aunt Ethel, and
all the other rain coats (except
for those that were properly hung in the closet).
And after all the rain coats were cleaned up, the vortex
rose towards the mountains and disappeared from sight.
The Croco-diamond sighed and peered up at the sky. “How sad.
I was going to rescue my uncle and then patent my vortex.”
But soon the jubilation of the town people, who were finally
free from rain coats, raised the Croco-diamond’s spirits. Mrs. Fungalstinn made
him a very fine sash proclaiming the Croco-diamond the rescuer of the people of
New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea and Grandpa De Confetti took a picture of
him standing regally next to the camelsaurus in his sash.
The king declared that the Croco-diamond was the luckiest creature in all of the
worlds so that any town and every person would, if they met a Croco-diamond,
welcome him and take care of him.
The best luck would belong to any person who met a Croco-diamond.
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