on stalkers and their impact

A friend of mine was telling me Friday night about a stalker who has been bothering her 20 something daughter. He hasn't done anything violent (yet) but has been doing things like breaking into her house, breaking into her car (he  threatened to put sugar in her gas tank and the next day she found the gas tank ripped open - he did not put any sugar in that she is aware of), tailgating her on the road, calling and facebooking her incessantly, and, when she blocked him from her phone and facebook, sending emails to my friend.

The daughter has called the police but all they will do is file a report. The stalker's parents, who are friends with my friend, called her and asked why her daughter was filing police reports against their son! They have had behavior problems in the past with their son but are in total denial. They also seem to be blaming the daughter as if she is somehow doing something to this kid to make him act like a total asshole. The daughter is wondering if she did do something to set this guy off.

I was reminded of an experience I had in the past with a work colleague who stalked me, showing up at the JHU campus at 10 PM as my class was letting out and following me to my car, and on numerous occasions threatening me physically in meetings (he was once restrained from punching me and another time told me in front of other colleagues that he knew where I lived and was going to put a bullet in my head). Why did this colleague feel so negatively toward me? Because I was brought in to take over his job because he apparently had "nerve problems" and was on so much medication (oxycontin, back in the day when it was hardly prescribed) that he couldn't function at work. At the meeting where he had to be restrained I had merely asked him if he had any documentation from the customer that I could look at.

And yet, when things finally got to the point where I felt this guy actually might do something to me, I had to answer a bunch of questions about MY behavior toward him to see if I might have done anything to justify him stalking me! AS IF! What could I have possibly done? Murdered his family (presume they would have heard about that)? Run over his dog? Put a voodoo spell on him???

The bottom line is that there is outlier behavior that should not be excused. Even if I had been totally rude to that guy in a meeting (I wasn't, since I was new to the project I was trying to be friendly to everyone) does that REALLY justify him threatening to kill me???? And if the daughter had had a romantic dalliance with stalker boy before deciding he was crazy does that justify, in anyone's mind, him stalking her because she doesn't want to date him??? Then why should he be allowed to make her life such a living hell that she's thinking to move to a different city where he can't find her?

The advice I gave my friend is, if a guy acts crazy toward you maybe you did something to set off his crazy, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still crazy and that isn't anyone's fault but the guy. Most people show their crazy early on in a relationship (friendship, romantic, colleague, whatever kind of relationship). As soon as you see the crazy get out of the relationship. Unless you're a profession shrink you aren't ever going to change that person's behavior and it's best to keep their crazy out of your life because it will drive you crazy too.

End of soapbox speech.

To be fair, it's not just guys that are crazy. I watched "Play Misty for Me" last night (got a box set of clint eastwood movies, 3 for $2 at target on saturday).