hire me, please

My brother was updating his resume and sent me this fucking hilarious email:

I was reading this article on typos people put on their resumes, and I
couldn't help but create a fake one.  All information below is
directly pirated.  It should not be read or published.  It is for your
amusement only.  If you happen to put your boss's name on it and post
it to job sites, that's not my fault.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OBJECTIVE
Seeking a party-time position with room for advancement.  I'm working
today in a furniture factory as a drawer.

SUMMARY
I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.  I
prefer lunch to be gin at Noon everyday.  I was an inspirational
leaper for a development team.  They described me as a perspiring
leader.  Am a real problem.  Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as
'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.  Here are my qualifications
for you to overlook.


2010-2011
Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people.  I
was a Candy Stripper, but I don't like dealing with blood or needles.
Helped injured people process clams.  Dispensed medication and passed
out.

2010
Instrumental for ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.

2010
Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.
Revolved customer problems and inquiries.

2005-2010
Experienced in all faucets of accounting.  As indicted, I have over
five years of analyzing investments.  Failed bar exam with relatively
high grades.  Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions.  Managed sex (6) units.

2002-2004 PUBLIC SERVICE
Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.  I am a Notary
Republic.  I'm a hard worker, etc.  I would like to work at a law
farm.  Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

1999
Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse. I have an excellent track
record, although I am not a horse.  I never take anything for
granite.  Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.


SKILLS
Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated,
Attention to Detail. extreme experience with PowerPint, Microsoft
World.  I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet
programs.

HIGLHLIGLHTS OF QUALIFICASIONS
Responsibility makes me nervous.
Bi-lingual in three languages.
Speak English and Spinach.
Exposure to German for two years but many words are inappropriate for business.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
Achievements: "Nominated for prom queen.
I have extensive experience with foreign accents.

HOBBYS
Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians.

EDUCATION
Completed 11 years of high school.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.  Have repeated courses repeatedly.
Graduated from Havrad University with a Masters Degree - Graduated in
the top 70% of my class.

Hope to hear from you shorty.